“Why doesn’t she love me anymore?”
Bro, we’ve all been there. We’ve all felt the “light switch effect” where, for seemingly no reason, she falls out of love with you. Worse, you might not even know that she’s heading in that direction and then the rug is pulled out from under you when she drifts away, ghosts, cheats or just outright tells you she is no longer in love with you.
For answers to the question “why doesn’t she love me?”, we will explore ten signs your girlfriend is losing interest, why she doesn’t feel that way anymore, and what you should do when you know she’s moved on.
10 Signs She Doesn’t Love You Anymore
#1 Your gut feeling
We’ll start with this one because if you are reading this article, there’s a very good chance that your intuition is sending you clear signals that your mind is overriding. The slight nausea or discomfort you feel, described as your “gut feeling”, is your subconscious giving you signals.
There’s a lot of science and spiritual practices that point to the effectiveness of our bodies communicating to our minds about our present states. In psychology, this “gut feeling” manifests as psychosomatic symptoms and illness. If you feel ill or have inexplicable pains, a relationship-gone-sour might be the culprit.
For spiritual practices such as Buddhism and Hinduism (among others), this “gut feeling” is believed to be pain that is stored in the body. This makes sense, as you can take a look at someone with slumped shoulders and see that they’re carrying a heavy burden. Or, you might have digestive issues. It’s not uncommon for a man to have angry outbursts after vigorous exercise or excessive stress, all of which point to the emotions your body is releasing.
#2 She doesn’t respect your time
If she is constantly late, reschedules or just outright flakes, this is a strong indicator that she doesn’t respect your time - and doesn’t love you. After all, our time is limited and precious, so these little indiscretions mean that, in some ways, she’s killing you. Okay, maybe that’s a little harsh, but her priorities lie elsewhere. Why?
The bottom of Maslow’s pyramid states that we need food, water, shelter, and intimate relationships. And your inability to provide these - by her standards - means that she is liable to look elsewhere to fulfill these needs.
While most modern people in the Western world are capable of the first items of the pyramid (food, water, shelter), finding that sense of belonging and love is a rarity for women. In fact, it can be argued that women spend an inordinate time constantly checking to see if a man they’re involved with loves them or shows signs of commitment.
As just one example of this, you’ll often notice very attractive women pursuing relationships with ugly yet physically capable men. Often, this is fine because the man represents the Protector archetype. While you may see people of similar attractiveness mate, a woman from difficult circumstances may be looking for a capable man that’s capable of aggression at the expense of looking nice or acting nice.
#3 She doesn’t return favors
In a functional relationship, there’s a give-and-take of practical things.
You can see this if you choose to meet up and she doesn’t buy you a coffee if you’re running late to meet up with her - especially with the plausibility that she “didn’t know what you wanted.”
While you shouldn’t keep a tally, look to see if she thinks of your needs and perspective. If she doesn’t see it from your point of view, chances are she’s moved on to greener pastures.
#4 She doesn’t reciprocate affection
If you feel like you’re putting all of your energy into hugs, kisses, love-taps and the like but she doesn’t, it may be a sign that she doesn’t love you anymore. Bear in mind that some women aren’t affectionate in public, so this affection should be when you’re alone or in a comfortable setting.
#5 She Starts to Deny You Sex
This one is a bit different from the last sign that she doesn’t love you anymore, as sexual intercourse has the ability to create offspring (and she doesn’t see you fit to be either a good genetic source or a provider for her needs during/after pregnancy).
Because sex means a lot of different things to people, the following are some situations where you might notice her behavior shift from a baseline of a sexual relationship:
- She might go through the motions in bed to keep leading you on for her own purposes, but the tell-tale sign is that you feel “empty” after sex.
- She doesn’t orgasm (or doesn’t attempt to).
- She might be quick to jump out of bed and get clean as if pillow talk and cuddling are not even a priority for her. Even if she’s a neat freak, she might just leave or go to sleep afterwards.
- She doesn’t initiate sexual behavior.
- She doesn’t have sex with you unless it’s on conditional terms (for example, you just bought her a trip to Bermuda).
- She’s not in the mood or tired even if she had lots of energy before you initiate.
#6 She openly disrespects you
If you’ve entered a phase of your relationship where she doesn’t conceal negative emotions from others or the public, this is a clear sign that she has fallen out of love for you. In a healthy, loving relationship, a couple should be able to talk about their differences in a mature or at least civilized manner. If she openly treats you with contempt when you're around other people, it's like her way of saying, "See what I have to put up with?" It's her way of showing people that she thinks she deserves better.
#7 Look for body language signals
She may conceal her emotions, but her body will not. Her body language has a series of “tells” that precisely indicate how she feels in the moment:
- A classic sign of contempt is her rolling her eyes or puffing her breath when you’re enjoying yourself.
- If she has a habit of drinking, see as her behavior changes the more intoxicated she becomes. She may be acting out her innermost desires that she is normally in control of.
- Look to see if she gets flushed when talking to other men.
- See if she guards her cell phone if you take a peek. She should feel open to show you what she’s up to. While everyone deserves privacy, there’s no reason for her to be guarding her phone 24/7.
#8 She has a “good friend” that she always talks about
This is a huge red flag. When a woman starts mentioning another man (like a “work-husband”), you can be at least sure that her mind is partially invested in another.
What you may discover is that she has a network of men (and/or women) who fulfill her needs. Or, she may be trying to stoke some jealousy out of you in a last-ditch effort to get you to “man up” and act more masculine. Whatever the reason, another good friend who’s suddenly in her life is a troubling sign.
#9 She isn’t 100% truthful
Selective honesty is a clear sign that she doesn’t love you anymore. Catching her in white lies is one thing. But a prolonged habit of saying expedient things or offering convenient excuses might mean that she is setting up her next “monkey branch” before you notice her deceit.
#10 She is always busy
“Busy” means that you aren’t a priority. After all, are you too busy to use the bathroom? Pay your bills? Go to work?
Some women are actually busy and have complicated lives (like businesswomen, lawyers or pre-meds), but she should still make time for you as a source of comfort in her life.
BONUS: She needs time away from the relationship
If she needs time away from a relationship, it may be because she needs to concentrate on her work, school, or family needs. But then again, this communicates that your presence is not compatible with her life at the present moment. She may also use this time away to try out other options, but it is a clear sign that she may be falling out of love with you.
Why Doesn’t She Love Me: 10 Reasons
There are plenty of reasons she fell out of love with you:
- You didn’t grow together
- You aren’t compatible
- She has trust issues
- She’s scared of commitment
- She has a Cluster B personality disorder
- She’s emotionally unavailable
- She convinced herself she has better options
- A family member or friend told her she could do better
- You did something she doesn’t like
- She wants to explore her sexual options before she gets older
- Her job or schooling is too demanding
Once the love is gone, it’s hard to get it back. Just as an example, once the love is gone, particularly for marriages, there is only a slim percentage of 6% that choose to get back together. However, of that percentage, only 72% choose to stay married, but don’t kid yourself - that means that only 4% actually stay in a remarriage.
She Doesn’t Love Me, What Should I Do?
Ok, now that you’ve discovered that a woman doesn’t love you, you’re probably wondering what your next course of action is. Here’s what NOT to do:
Don’t make further concessions
If she doesn’t love you anymore, it’s probably too late to convince her otherwise. By making concessions to woo her back, she’ll only feel more contempt for you - putting her at an advantage to choose in her best interest. Essentially, this is the sunk-cost fallacy.
Don’t wallow in self-pity
Self-pity is not a productive emotion. You may turn to self-pity if you don’t do any self-reflection, but you will see that any person that chooses to not be in your life is doing you a significant favor.
The longer you stay sad, the more power you give over to her and feel “cheated” - and this can turn into anger.
Don’t get revenge
It’s not uncommon to feel betrayed and angry when she doesn’t love you anymore. And when that happens, love transmutes into a deep hatred.
You can start to take every good memory and make a running list of how she was faking it all along, manipulating you, playing you for a fool and so on. But squaring the deal by lashing out through negative behaviors only makes it worse.
You may feel like spreading her nudes on social media, bad-mouthing her to her friends/family, and other behaviors are getting even. But you can quickly get into hot water - and it may reflect negatively on the future of your dating prospects. After all, how would you feel seeing a girl that you’re interested rag on her ex-boyfriend - you probably wouldn’t want to even date her for fear of getting on her bad side!
(See “The Opposite of Revenge” below for a healthy and productive way to use a failed relationship as the means to propel yourself to a better relationship.)
Meditate on the entire relationship from start to finish
Once you’re certain that she’s no longer in love with you, it’s time to take an assessment of everything that occurred in the relationship.
There may be a moment where you could tell that she felt like she was drifting away. Or, you may identify where you were projecting love when those feelings were never present. Whatever the cause, get to the root of it by meditating the true cause of your self-deception.
Anecdote: I had a woman fall out of love with me when I revealed a traumatic episode in my past. Because I was younger and less experienced, I had not fully processed what happened, as well as thought that our shared traumatic experiences would bring us closer. A week later, she told me that she needed someone “stronger” in her life. Lesson learned.
Go Monk Mode
You may need a period of reflection to focus on what you may be lacking, but the answer may lie in you disengaging from dating for a while. By going “monk mode”, you turn your focus on yourself to heal and create a better version of yourself.
Monk mode includes such behaviors as:
- Working out
- Going on trips alone
- Updating your wardrobe
- Reading more books
- Leveling up in your career
- Going back to school
- Learning new skills and hobbies
- And so forth
Recommended books on human nature during Monk Mode include:
- Allan Pease - “What Every Body Is Saying”
- Rollo Tomassi - “The Rational Male”
- Robert Greene - “The Art of Seduction”
- Mark Manson - “ The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck”
Feedback, not failure
Every failure brings you closer to a “yes”, but you should be aware of what went wrong. DON’T get down on yourself. Instead, take the events that transpired as research into human nature and your own failings. With this feedback, you can make better decisions, Recognize warning signs sooner, and you will soon find better relationships and better results overall.
The opposite of revenge
There’s no greater revenge than living your best life. If you felt that a girl didn’t have the ability to see your positive qualities or potential for the future, it’s time to actualize what she missed out on.
Trust me, most women will poke through your social media to see if they were right to leave you - and if she sees you in a happy relationship and reaching new career goals, you can not only “get revenge”, but you may also start to pity her poor decision-making skills. So it goes…
Accentuate the negative
Love makes us put on blinders. And when those blinders come off, we may see the relationship objectively. The truth is that we may have been suppressing these negatives, hoping that our love could resolve them or downplaying the severity of them. Now that she is no longer a candidate for long-term love, it’s important to really see what was going on. This exercise also makes it easier to answer the question, "why doesn't she love me anymore?"
Find another lover
“The easiest way to get over someone is to get under someone”
Of all the times to pick up a new relationship, being back in the dating pool is easier than ever on the rebound. Women can sense that another woman had chosen you, so this is like a grace period for social proof. While getting a rebound isn't always the fastest way to get over a breakup, it definitely helps lift your self-esteem.
As you can see, there’s no short answer to why doesn’t she love me anymore. However, if you take the time to digest the information in this article and others on BeyondAges.com, you will gain a clearer sense of navigating the world of dating, relationships, and human dynamics.