With dating apps and websites becoming the norm, learning how to talk to girls online has become an important skill. It doesn’t matter what type of women you’re into, online is probably going to be the easiest place to meet them.
Whether you’re new to online dating or you’re just looking for some pointers, this guide is for you. I’ll be covering a whole bunch of tips that will have you excited to chat with women online. No more nervousness and uncertainty.
How to talk to girls online the right way
Before we get into teaching you how to talk to girls online, we’ve gotta make sure you’re using the best dating sites and apps (especially if you are interested in cougars). The best ones are full of real women so you can actually talk to someone and not a bot. Once you’ve got yourself on the best dating sites and apps, the rest is about setting up a good gameplan and remaining confident.
I get it. Knowing how to talk to girls on dating sites just isn’t all that intuitive for some of us. I certainly made my share of mistakes and learned to experiment with this in the beginning.
That’s great news for you though -- I’m going to share the more important tips I learned the hard way so you don’t have to. I’ll also be answering that age-old question “what are good pick up lines for online dating?”
Keep it confident
If you make just one change after reading this article, make sure it’s this. Confidence is a trait that literally everyone finds attractive, especially when you're flirting online with a woman and want to keep her interested. Coming across as soft, malleable and unsure of yourself on the other hand . . . not so great.
The beauty of talking to women online is that you have time to think about your responses. Even if you aren’t a naturally confident person, you can learn how to project that image for now.
When you learn to do that, even just through text, you’ll notice a change in how women respond. This positive response will give you a small amount of genuine confidence to work with and build from.
From there, the positive feedback loop will continue, growing more and more confident as time goes on. What starts out as an act quickly becomes genuine confidence and you’re good to go from there!
Rather than expanding on it too much here, take a look at our article on texting girls with confidence. It’s a quick and very helpful read that goes in-depth on what to do.
Start with something funny or interesting
To an extent, online dating is a numbers game. That means you’re competing with multiple other guys and you need to be able to talk to her online in a way that grabs her attention.
Advice like this is going to help you stand out from the others to make you that much more successful. How you start a conversation with her online will play a huge role in that.
While so many guys will just message her with “hey”, “hi” or “how are you?”, you’re going to be different. If you can make her either laugh or think with your first message, you’re immediately grabbing her attention. And you will definitely improve your first message response rate.
Not only has she finally received more than a single-word opener, it’s actually interesting.
How to talk to girls online -- Keep it respectful
Unfortunately, this seems like a point that needs to be mentioned. Far too many times I’ve seen and heard about texts that my female friends have received that make me cringe.
While the basic premise of being an “alpha male” is good, it often pushes guys beyond pure confidence and into asshole territory.
See, you can be ‘alpha’ (basically just confident and forward) without making her feel bad. Without insulting her or generally acting like a dick. There’s a huge difference between:
“Let’s go get a drink at 8:00 p.m.”
“Be ready, you’re coming with me at 8. You’re welcome.”
I can tell you from experience, you don’t need to act like a neanderthal, just don’t channel Ted Mosby. This is especially true when your messaging older women online.
Build trust and comfort
When you’re coming across as confident and respectful, trust and comfort will build themselves. All you have to do is give it a bit of time for this to happen naturally.
Pay attention to what she’s saying and have a real conversation with her. The more authentic you can be in that conversation, the faster that trust is going to build.
If she’s been dating for a while, she’s probably met some. . . interesting characters (see my point about being respectful). Unfortunately for you, that means she isn’t going to trust you until you give her a reason to. She also won’t be comfortable around you until you’ve given her a reason to be.
To make it even faster you can also try sharing something private about yourself. Not your darkest secret, just something small that you don’t tell everyone. An embarrassing story from your past will go a long way. That moment of vulnerability lets her see a glimpse of the real you and that’s comforting.
Until that trust and comfort are there, you really shouldn’t be trying to escalate.
Compliments are okay as long as you’re creative
Since you’re interested in her, you probably find her physically attractive among other things. That’s great and there’s nothing wrong with letting her know that but save it for later.
So much of learning how to talk to girls on dating sites is creativity -- standing out for the right reasons. Since her attractiveness is obvious, it’s also the most common thing she gets complimented on.
This is bad for two reasons. Not only is she tired of hearing the same boring thing over and over. She’s also not going to take it as a legitimate compliment. Instead, she’s going to assume you’re just saying nice things so she’ll go on a date with you.
Instead, focus on other things in her profile. Maybe she plays a cool instrument, has an interesting pet or speaks an unusual language. All of these things are going to lead to more interesting conversation than, “you’re hot” or the ever-cringey, “you have beautiful eyes.”
Remember, she’s actually a real person
Shocking, I know. The reason I wanted to include it in this article is the temptation to ‘game’ women. As though you’re manipulating her into doing what you want.
I’m not suggesting that isn’t possible, I’m saying it’s not how to talk to girls online. Rather than following the pick-up artist advice and going out of your way to be “alpha,” just talk to her like a normal person.
You’ll be surprised by just how effective this is. If she uses the app often, she’ll be dealing with a collection of creeps and “alphas.” By comparison, the mere fact that you can hold a conversation without being weird is going to win you massive points.
This means casual, confident conversation, replying when you’re available and actually taking an interest in her. No need for complex tactics or making her seek your approval.
If English isn’t your strong suit, there’s an app for that
Poor English can be a bigger problem than you might expect. It’s such a common complaint from my female friends and yet, it’s so easily solved!
All you have to do is download the Grammarly keyboard for your phone and you’re set. If you’re learning how to talk to girls on dating sites, install the Grammarly browser extension instead.
However you use it, it’s going to keep a close eye on your spelling and grammar so you don’t have to. This way you won’t have to stress about the difference between “you’re” and “your” any longer.
The reason it’s such a common complaint is because most women prefer an educated man. The occasional mistake is normal but if most of your messages are packed with errors, it doesn’t look good. In fact, the impression it gives is that you’re uneducated which can be quite a turnoff.
Be authentic. It’s better for everyone
This point flies in the face of so much dating advice but it’s a huge part of my success. You’re a good guy, right? So why would you want to present anything other than who you are?
As I mentioned above, I don’t think ‘gaming’ women is necessary. Nor is it a good idea.
Instead, just be yourself from start to finish. No need to Photoshop your profile photos or lie in your bio. In the same way, there’s no need to present a different version of yourself when you’re talking to women online.
The more comfortable you can become being authentic with women, the easier dating will become for you. It may seem counterintuitive but this is what will allow you to make a real connection, separating you from the others.
As a nice side-benefit, it also makes date #1 so much easier. You don’t have to maintain a complex facade, you can just show up and be you!
It takes two to tango
It also takes two to have a healthy and engaging conversation. If you find yourself having a one-sided conversation, it’s time to cool it.
Personally, my limit is two unanswered messages. If I’ve messaged her on two separate occasions and not received a response, that’s as far as I’ll go. By this point, she’s either busy or just not that interested in chatting to me for one reason or another.
Whichever it is, constantly messaging her will only make the situation worse. You’re going to end up looking needy and it’s not an attractive look for anyone, believe me.
Figure out what your limit is and make sure you stick to it. No matter how great you think she might be, make it a hard rule. She’ll appreciate you giving her space and you just might hear from her soon.
What are good pick-up lines for online dating?
This is a question that gets asked so much, I just couldn’t leave it out. The answer is actually very simple: there’s no such thing as a good pick-up line.
So does that mean you shouldn’t use them at all? Not necessarily. They can be used ironically (and even then, sparingly) in certain situations.
For example, the last time I used a pick-up line it went like this:
Her: Wow, it’s so nice to talk to a normal guy for a change
Me: Oh no, I’ve gone and set a high expectation! I think I skipped the part where I drop my best pick-up line.
Her: Oh god. Hit me.
Me: [Mildly amusing pick-up line]. . . am I doing it right?
Her: Somehow you actually made me laugh at a pick-up line. Well done sir.
Honestly, the pick-up line itself isn’t all that important. It’s all in the delivery. In my opinion, using them ironically is the only way they’re going to be well received.
Be honest about your intentions
Depending on what you’re looking for exactly, this might cut down on the number of women who want to meet up. This might sound like a bad thing but I assure you it’s not.
I understand that it’s tempting to omit this part and just focus on the numbers game but that’s not what it’s about. Focus on quality over quantity here instead -- speaking to women who are looking for the same thing.
If you’re just using online dating for hookups, there’s nothing wrong with that. In fact, I even covered hooking up on Tinder in a recent article, give it a read if that is what you’re looking for.
If she’s only interested in something long term, keeping this from her isn’t going to change her mind.
When that’s all I wanted from Tinder, I included this in a tasteful way in my bio text. I never felt like I was struggling to meet women in the slightest. I also found it made everything that much easier because this was out in the open and we both knew what we wanted from it.
No need to avoid being sexual
As long as you’ve built some comfort together, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being a sexual person.
If you’re worried about coming across as creepy, at least you know your head is in the right place. Sounding creepy in a message is exactly what you want to avoid but you can be sexual without being a creep.
The key difference is in the balance. If you start off with something sexual or that’s all you ever talk about, now you’re moving into ‘creep’ territory.
Instead, get comfortable with each other and test the waters a little. Maybe start with a sexual joke or something simple and see if she seems into it. If she is, that’s your green light!
As long as sex only makes up a portion of what the two of you discuss, it’s usually going to work out very well.
Ask questions to get to know her
This is a great fallback if the conversation starts to get dry or you feel like you’re talking too much about yourself and we have a few favorite questions to ask specifically for online dating.
We can all talk about ourselves for days so asking her questions about herself has two benefits. Firstly, she’s going to find it easy to respond to you. Second, you’re actively getting to know her and she’ll appreciate this.
Another complaint I hear quite a lot from women is that guys tend to show up and talk about themselves the whole date. If you can get into the habit of asking interesting questions about her when talking online, your dates will improve too.
With the help of our video dating course and this article, you’re going to see real-life success from your online dating in no time.
You’ll be far more comfortable talking to women online and know what a healthy conversation looks like. Now it’s time to get out there and start putting it into practice. Remember, dating is fun!