Do you always find yourself asking, “Why can’t I get a girlfriend?” You know you’re a pretty cool guy, and you’ve had some luck with girls in the past. But right now, it seems like getting a girlfriend is impossible!
There may be a few key points you’re overlooking that can prevent you from getting the girlfriend you want. Plenty of guys struggle with this problem because they don’t realize what it is they’re doing wrong.
Let me show you the top ten reasons why you may be having these troubles. This will help you can see if you’re doing anything you’re not supposed to be doing. I’ll also mention what you can do to fix them.
Why can’t you get a girlfriend? The top culprits
There are plenty of reasons guys struggle with women and can’t get themselves a girlfriend. A common one is not knowing how to approach and attract women. This is why we’ve created an in-depth course on how to approach women without fear of rejection.
These reasons can range from something as simple as nervousness to practically showcasing your insecurity when you’re around women.
I’ll go over each of these below and show you how you can get past them, so you can land the girlfriend of your dreams.
1) You don’t know how to flirt
This is, by far, one of the biggest reasons most guys can’t get a girlfriend. They simply don’t know how to flirt with women successfully.
Effective and proper flirting is an art form. It doesn’t matter if you’re handsome, average-looking or like something that just crawled out of the sewer. If you know how to flirt and do it well, you’ll often be attractive to most women you meet.
That’s why I highly suggest you learn how to flirt with women the right way. It’s a skill that’s going to be useful for life, and not just for getting yourself a girlfriend.
I say this because guys should continue flirting with their girlfriends and wives even when they’re deep into a relationship. A little flirtation spices things up and keeps the spark alive, making attraction and sexual desire last.
Flirting is about having the right body language to attract a woman. Make eye contact, lean a little closer to her, or touch her arm when you’re making a point. You can also flirt through playful banter and joking around. Everyone has their own flirting style, so find your style and practice it with anyone who’s up for it.
2) You’re too anxious around women
The second biggest reason guys can’t get a girlfriend is anxiety.
Anxiety is like a huge black cloud hanging above your head and preventing you from just being yourself and having fun around people. This is caused by a number of things. But in the context of dating, it’s usually due to being rejected several times.
Anxiety affects everything you do and makes you seriously doubt yourself and every decision you want to make.
Maybe she won’t like me? Maybe I’ll say something stupid? What if she thinks I'm weird? Why can’t I get a girlfriend like everyone else? Why would she want to talk to a guy like me?
If these and similar questions sound familiar, then you may be more anxious around women than you should be.
So how do you deal with it?
If you feel like your anxiety is debilitating, you may need professional help. This is especially the case if you’re anxious because of some negative experiences in the past.
However, it’s also possible to get rid of anxiety through exposure. When you expose yourself often enough to the thing that makes you anxious, like women, you can gradually overcome your anxiety. Try talking to different women even if you’re not into them to practice your social skills.
You can also change your mindset about why you’re anxious. Instead of thinking of what can go wrong, focus on what might go well. This is a step into getting the girl without losing yourself.
Remember that you’re just talking to a woman, and she’s human just like you. The worst she could do is reject you, and even then this rejection from an almost-stranger shouldn’t matter that much.
3) You put women on pedestals
This is a huge issue for guys who think women, especially beautiful ones, are out of their league.
But the truth is, women hate it when guys are desperate to please them, especially if they do this because they’re pretty.
Putting women on a pedestal is similar to objectifying them. When you do this, you’re not treating her as a regular human being but as a symbol of “perfection.” Women want you to get to know them instead of imagining them to be your dream girl.
When you start projecting your image of a perfect girl onto a woman, you’re ignoring who she is. And when you finally do see that she’s not perfect, you’re sure to be disappointed.
To avoid this disappointment, see her as an imperfect, unique person that you can get to know. Treat her as an equal. She’ll then start respecting you because you’re not putting her on a pedestal.
4) You don’t take care of yourself
Another reason why a lot of guys can’t get a girlfriend is because they don’t take care of themselves and their bodies.
There are too many fat, lazy slobs who hate how they look but do nothing to change their situation. And then they cry about why they can’t get a girlfriend.
Well, if they don’t even like themselves and the way they look, why would a girl like them?
So the first step to fix this issue is to get off that lazy bum and start taking care of yourself. Invest in a gym membership, some hygiene essentials, and polished clothes. Get a haircut or trim your beard. This will surely make you look more manly.
It doesn’t even matter if you’re not the best-looking guy around. As long as you smell good, look clean and dress well, women will find you more attractive.
5) You’re always negative
Let’s face it, no one wants to be around a person who’s always moping about everything.
Would you want to hang out with a friend who’s always complaining about everything that has gone wrong in their lives? Of course not! And it’s the same for women.
As with anxiety, if your negativity feels overwhelming, you may want to consult a professional. But if you’re just generally a pessimistic person, try to at least lessen the negativity you exude.
Before you approach a woman, keep in mind that she will very likely reject you if you keep complaining. Try to think of something positive that happened to you recently or something you really enjoy, and talk about that.
She can pick up on your positive attitude and even reinforce it. It will also let her see your happier side, which she might find attractive.
6) You reek of desperation
There’s nothing more unattractive to women than a man who’s desperate. Desperation is the opposite of being masculine.
This can manifest itself in many different ways, but often it’s when guys are desperate to have sex. They will do it with anything that moves. And they’ll do anything and everything just to get laid.
This shows that you have zero standards, and that is incredibly unattractive to women. Why would she want to date a guy who has zero standards?
Another way desperation manifests itself is when guys try too hard to please women. A manipulative woman can use this to her own advantage. But any other woman will get turned off.
So how do you avoid this pitfall?
Start by having higher standards, not just for looks, but for the whole package. Don’t be extra nice just because there’s a woman talking to you. Instead, get to know her and decide if you want to woo her.
You don’t want to throw yourself at any woman who would give you the time of day. Have some self-respect. Women will see that you value yourself, and that’s one way to a girl’s heart.
7) You are way too insecure.
Guys who are insecure usually ask themselves “Why can’t I get a girlfriend?” the most often. They’re also the guys who are more likely to drive women away with their insecurities. Their insecurities become too much for her to bear, and this drives a huge wedge in their relationship.
Insecurities manifest themselves in many different ways. The most common signs include being too jealous, too controlling, needy, passive-aggressive, overly dependent, etc.
Getting rid of various insecurities if you have them is a difficult process. But it can be done with the help of a professional therapist or a life coach.
One quick way to get rid of your insecurities is by learning to have self-compassion. Stop being so hard on yourself for the things you can’t do. Try to silence that voice in your head that says you’re not good enough. Then start focusing on positive qualities, the ones that your friends and family love about you.
Remember, you’re not as bad as you think just because you don’t have a girlfriend.
8) You give up too soon
When guys want to start dating, they go out to various venues and start approaching women. But when they get rejected a few times, they give up.
Don’t be like this.
Rejection is a normal part of the dating process. Everyone gets rejected and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it. Sometimes getting rejected isn’t even your fault. Maybe you just approached someone who doesn’t like you, which is also perfectly fine.
That’s because there are always going to be people who simply don’t like you, no matter who you are, no matter how you look and no matter what you do. Just accept it, don’t let it get to you.
Next time you get rejected, notice what you can improve and adjust. Learn from your mistakes, then try a different approach. Eventually, you’ll meet women who will like your approach. You might even meet one out of pure luck.
9) You always get stuck in the friend zone
Do you constantly get friendzoned and then shout “Why can’t I get a girlfriend while everyone has one?!”
Well, have you considered that for women to want you sexually, you have to show them you want them sexually as well?
Truth is, this is one of the biggest issues that tons of men have in dating. They keep hanging out with the girl they like, but they never touch her, never get close to her, and never do anything a friend wouldn’t do. They’re don’t create any sexual tension.
And then they act surprised when the girl has no feelings for them and doesn’t find them sexually attractive. This ultimately gets them a one-way ticket to the friendzone.
To fix this, you need to accept that women also have a sexual side. You need to accept you’re a sexual person as well and never hide it from women. And while you don’t want her to think that you only ever want sex, don’t act like sex never crosses your mind when she’s there!
It’s the hesitation and the shameful inaction that ultimately kills the mood and any chance you may have with them. So don’t be afraid to get close to her, talk about sex with her and then initiate some flirtation. It’s the only way into a physical and sexual relationship.
10) They’re just not that into you
There are many twists in the world of dating, and one of them is this: the women you like are not into guys like you.
We all have a type, and this is perfectly normal. However, there’s always the chance that our types are the ones who are more likely to reject us.
Maybe you’re a perfectly nice, clean-cut guy, but all the girls you’re into just happen to prefer guys with tattoos and piercings. And this is not your fault at all because you can’t help who you’re attracted to.
How do you get out of this mindset? By not having a type.
Naturally, you should keep your standards. But your perpetual singlehood might be due to you only approaching one type of woman. To combat this, try to approach women who aren’t your usual type. If you like blondes, try approaching a brunette. And if you like shy girls, try chatting up a bubbly, extroverted girl.
This might show you that you can be attracted to a woman who doesn’t fit your usual criteria. It shows that you have an open mind and that you’re able to look past superficial traits because you care more about who she is as a person.
You might even learn that you now have a new type!
Now that you know the best answers to the “Why can't I get a girlfriend?” question, you need to see if any of them are applicable to you.
If you find something that rings true and describes you, then you have to take the time to work on fixing these issues. Once you do, you’ll have a much easier time getting and keeping a girlfriend.
HOW TO GET A GIRLFRIEND AND KEEP HER
Getting a girlfriend is an important business in a man's life. Unless you are famous, extremely rich or a male model you've probably found that it's not easy to charm a woman and make her your girlfriend. You may believe fate will throw the woman of your dreams into your path. It's possible, but you could be waiting a long time. As with most things in life good things tend to come to those who actually seek them.
Recognize that dating and relationships are a skill set that can be learned. Getting a girlfriend you want is NOT something that is left up to luck or fate. It's a skill set that can be consciously worked on. Social skills can be learned and an attractive personality can be developed.
If you're not good-looking, rich, or popular, don't worry, many of my clients aren't either.
In my experience, men facing perennial problems getting a girlfriend won't make any conscious effort to step out of their comfort zone. They'll complain all day but never invest any financial resources and/or effort in their dating life. They also usually end up with prostitutes and/or splashed huge amounts of money on dating agencies.
STEP ONE: HOW TO FIND A GIRLFRIEND
If you’re truly looking for a partner for the long haul, you want it to be with Ms. Right. And that means finding a gal who truly gets you, wants to be with you and makes you happy.
But how do you find such a woman? Even if your first date is amazing and you want to get to know her better, there’s no way to know if you’re looking at your future or simply a pleasant yet brief interlude.
Here are a few things you can do to speed up the process of finding your soulmate:
1. Know what you’re looking for
Knowing what you want in a future partner is the first step in finding her. Many guys go on dates without really thinking about what traits they want in a long-term girlfriend or wife. But if an LTR is your goal, you really need to give it some thought.
Do you want someone who shares a particular hobby? Do you want someone independent? Kind? Creative?
Making a priority list can be really helpful — just don’t fall into the trap of making it too detailed.
2. Don’t be overly picky
While knowing what you want and like is a good thing, if you get hung up on the finer details, it can keep you from being with someone amazing.
Deciding you want someone funny, kind and intelligent is great. Saying you want someone who shares your faith or views on spending money is wise.
It’s when you get into only dating blondes, athletic women or women who like drinking beer — that’s where you begin limiting yourself and potentially missing out on your perfect partner.
3. Don’t judge too quickly
Like we said earlier, it’s impossible to know on a first date if you’ve met your soulmate. So, unless the date was a total disaster, it’s worth going out with a woman at least a few times before deciding if you’re a good match.
Keep in mind, first dates can make people nervous and the first impression is not always the right one. By going out with a woman at least a few times before making a decision, you'll ensure you don't write off a potential love match down the road.
4. Don’t judge solely on looks
You may well think you’re attracted to a particular type of woman, but ignoring ladies who don’t fit that image can be a big mistake. Even if you typically go for curvy brunettes, that doesn’t mean you won’t discover some sizzling chemistry with a slender redhead.
Remember, true chemistry is more than just physical attraction. It’s also mental and emotional. When you connect with a woman on all three levels, that’s someone you’ll want to commit to.
5. Look for more than sex
As exciting as some relationships can be, they aren’t always good for the long haul.
It’s best to avoid party girls or women who are only looking for casual sex if what you truly want is a long-term relationship. Even if you’re attracted to a woman sexually, if she’s not looking for the same things as you, being together is ultimately a waste of your time.
Look for a woman who wants to meet all of your needs, not just the physical ones.
Step Two: Put Yourself In front of "X" Number of Women
The majority of dating/ social skills advice for men revolves around traditional ‘alpha values’ such as discipline, macho-ness and masculinity.
However, what if I told you that true confidence revolves around comfort with failure and rejection? What if I told you it revolves around putting yourself out there and being vulnerable? If not so, then why are hundreds of men out there with highly successful careers who can barely walk up to an attractive stranger and start a conversation. Why is that so?
The truth is that getting a girlfriend is a numbers game to a certain extent. This is why understanding how to approach a girl and leverage online dating applications to get matches you want are extremely powerful methods.
This way, there's no need to rely on friends or colleagues to HOPEFULLY introduce you to someone.
There's something to be said of putting yourself out there to meet women. However most people hesitate in this area maybe because they are afraid of what their friends might think. Or maybe all your friends are losers and don't desire to change their dating life and you're left alone.
You need to be able to act despite that.
You must take responsibility fully for your surroundings. Take leadership of your own actions. I’m not saying ditch all your friends and try to sleep with the entire planet, however, I’m saying, you need to put yourself out there and take risks.
Step Three: Stop Putting Women on a Pedestal
You can argue that attractive women lived a good part of their lives with men (and even women) deferring to them, purchasing gifts and expensive dinners. It is also common to see beautiful women splashed on advertising campaigns. They are the prize, and you have to 'earn it'.
One time, I went on a date with an attractive girl. On text, she bored me to tears. I was wondering if she was how she's like in real life conversationally. It turns out that her conversational skills are borderline around one-lined sentences of boring and blunt. Similar to her text messages.
On the date, she rarely initiated the conversation and was more focused on taking selfies. Trying to relate to her as a human being was a total chore. I was disappointed. I was expecting much better. She's an academically accomplished individual that came from a top-tier University. I thought I'll be able to stretch my intellectual muscles with her. However, I ended up bored out of my mind.
There's no need to put her on a pedestal.
I ended up wasting an entire evening. I should have cut short the date and gone home.
- Find Role Models
It's suggested that the industrial revolution lead to an entire generation of mothers taking care of their sons in their adolescence. Hence, instead of having fathers growing, playing beside their sons, sons only see them after school due to the long hours spent at the factory. Children then go to bed and the routine repeats itself. The end result? One entire generation of men without masculine role models.
I'd like to point out that this isn’t just an issue faced by Asian cultures but Western cultures too alike.
There are no lack of teachers (and role models) in the world. You can invest in yourself through self-education. There are multiple biographies that you can read and learn from.
STEP FOUR: MAKE HER WANT TO BE YOUR GIRLFRIEND.
The essence of this is attraction and the root issue is the ability: to start a conversation, express an attractive personality and connect with a woman on a date and... etc.
If you don't treat dating and relationships as a skillset, you’ll never know how to make new connections with women on the go and you’ll be dependent on limited avenues such as your current friend circle to hopefully introduce you to someone. You'll also be severely limiting your dating pool. This is how millions end up with someone they are not really excited about… and call it ‘reality’.
To quote a cliche: "if you give a man a fish for a day, he’ll eat for a day. If you teach a man how to fish, he’ll eat for a lifetime."
If you are looking to get a girlfriend the smart and efficient way, then it's about fixing your fundamentals and then putting yourself in front of a number of women.
If you can get a girl on a date it means she's interested in you. Mess it up and she won't be for much longer. Don't make the date too formal (dinner = bad idea, cinema = worst) and try to make physical contact with her as much as possible. Ideally, go somewhere that has some form of entertainment that can take the pressure off your conversation and go to a few different venues; it will make her feel like she's known you for longer.
Attraction of course is crucial to getting a girlfriend and keeping her.
Moving on to the more general guidelines, you've probably heard that women want a bad boy... it's not completely true. Women want a strong man - someone with his own opinions, who stands up for himself and doesn't take any crap - least of all from her. You don't need to be an asshole, but try being a little selfish. Don't be afraid to cancel plans if they don't suit you and don't do anything a selfish man would think was too much of a hassle.
STEP FIVE: HOW TO KEEP A GIRLFRIEND
If you truly want your relationship to last for the long haul, there are some things you should never compromise on. They are:
1. Having common interests
While it may be exciting in the early going to date someone with completely different interests, it’s just not likely to work long-term. Having at least some of the same passions can help bind you together.
Sharing a few common interests not only gives you things to talk about and activities to share, but you’ll naturally want to spend more time with each other doing the things you love together.
2. Laughing together
If you’re dating someone who doesn’t share your sense of humor, it can be harder to connect with each other.
Shared laughter with a partner is one of the best medicines around. Even on a crappy day, if you know you’re going home to someone who makes you smile, the day always seems a little bit brighter.
3. Having similar goals
To have a harmonious relationship long-term, being with a woman who shares your future ambitions really helps.
For instance, if you want to go on a big vacation every year while she would prefer to save money to retire earlier, that could be a source of discord in your LTR.
Make sure you have similar philosophies on marriage, money, children, jobs and any other topic that’s truly important to you.
4. Sharing beliefs
Although there are exceptions to every rule, in general, long-term relationships are better when the partners have the same beliefs and core values.
Sharing the same religious or spiritual views and having the same personal values makes for a far more harmonious relationship.
If for instance, you value honesty above all else, but your partner thinks lying is OK in certain situations, you’ll likely be in for a lot of disagreements.
5. Truth and trust
Being completely open and honest with each other is essential in any long-term relationship. You should feel comfortable sharing your past with her and she with you. You should also feel like you can express your feelings without being shut down or ignored and vice versa.
Trust is also essential. A healthy long-term relationship is always built on mutual trust and respect: Trust that you’ll never deliberately hurt one another and respect for one another’s feelings in every situation.
Don't Stop Improving
Social skills can not only be learned, but it’s also going to play a huge role in your success in other areas of your life. Show me a job that doesn’t require you to communicate effectively to another human being? The answer: none. No matter what you do, even if you’re a low-level executive, you’ll need to communicate with your boss, your colleagues, clients, your suppliers, distributors... the list goes on.
I built up my entire range of communication skillsets solely from learning how to talk to women.
In the age of the internet, there's no lack of information. You can almost learn any skillset for free in the world. Test out ideas in real life. Run trials. Take some risks. They are all forms of self-leadership. These pursuits demonstrate that you aren't a blind rules follower and are willing to take risks. Hence, you'll be perceived as an attractive individual to women.
For a long period of time, I obsessed on a single goal: attracting as many women as possible. This single pursuit slowly morphed to entrepreneurship and personal growth. I developed an interest in subjects such as psychology, boundaries, attachment theory and emotional growth.
Some of us didn’t have a choice and maybe grew up in strict religious upbringings in our childhood. Or maybe we're told to study hard, focus on our careers and everything is going to pan out. However, the responsibility to take control of your life is on you. If you wish to get a girlfriend you truly desire, then getting your dating life handled is never a price too steep to pay.