There’s no other way to say it: Breakups freakin’ suck and learning how to get over a breakup fast is probably the top thing on your mind right now.
As men, we would rather rationalize and intellectualize away our painful emotions.
But there’s nothing we can do here.
She’s gone, it hurts, and it sucks.
What’s the fastest way to get over a breakup, move forward, and start dating again?
Here are 12 points to follow with actionable steps to help you get back on your feet:
Again as men, we’d prefer to rationalize away our annoying or painful emotions.
But emotions are healthy and normal, even the so-called “bad” ones.
If you blame or judge, it’s just another way to throw the painful emotions you might be feeling away.
Yes, you want to know how to get over a breakup fast, but pushing your emotions away is going to make them worse.
What you resist persists.
It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t learn from the possible mistakes you’ve both made.
Making mistakes (“failing”) is the best way to eventually succeed at something and improve yourself.
Learn from what went wrong here so you can move on.
Don’t fall into the victim mentality, blaming her for everything that went wrong or internalizing all the faults.
It takes two to tango, you both screwed up a bit.
Recognize that she wasn’t perfect and that there were some things you thought that were awesome but didn’t really like.
Maybe there were some things you could have done better as a man in the relationship.
But don’t unnecessarily blame her or beat yourself up.
Unless people are sadistic or manipulative, people go into relationships wanting to be as happy as they can despite their possible psychological flaws and ticks.
Most people come out feeling a bit sad in some way.
You both didn’t do anything wrong, you’re both OK.
You’re just a bit hurt.
Learn and move forward.
Expanding on point #1 you might find yourself slipping into massive self-criticism.
“I shouldn’t have done that.”
“Why didn’t I get at her for those annoying things she did?”
“I didn’t spend enough time with her and I was never present enough.”
But recognize that the breakup means that something was wrong, and that you’re better off finding someone you work better with (even if it doesn’t seem or feel like it now).
Again: Use all of these lessons to learn for future relationships and be better.
If you want a bit more logic on why the breakup happened, it’s a sign of incompatibility: Something wasn’t working between you two, either in terms of your growth, defenses, or otherwise.
Even though it felt great, you weren’t perfect for each other, and this is a sign that it’s time to move on.
The problem is that as we date people, we sometimes become so enamored with them, happy about BEING in a relationship, or reliant on them and wanting to keep them around, that we look over little flaws or things that we wouldn’t have normally.
We can’t help it.
But there was something a bit wrong here.
It’s time to move on, and again, that’s OK.
A lot of guys breakup with their girlfriends and go into a rebound period…
Either they have sex with tons of girls, or try to get into a relationship AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.
Do you think this is how to get over a breakup fast?
Unfortunately, you’re wrong.
See the problem is that this covers up emotional pain and is used as a coping mechanism, like alcohol with anxiety.
You won’t be genuinely excited to meet new girls, you’re just going to mask your hurt.
Girls will even sense this and things won’t go as well.
You’ll get needy because you want them around to make you feel better.
You’ll feel more anxious around them too!
In other words, dating won’t be fun anymore.
Give it time, man.
You’ll be back again.
Though you might want to pine and track them to see if they’ve got a new boyfriend or what they’re doing…
You should delete them from social media and remove anything obvious that reminds you of them from plain sight.
You’re trying to keep the emotional connection going and seeing anything about her is going to make it worse.
While you might have some great memories (photos, personal objects from the person, etc.) that you can keep, stash everything away from plain sight so you can’t obsessively look at it.
Doing a bit of this is normal in the grieving process, but after a few days, you need to put everything away to give yourself time to separate from the girl.
You might even want to consider giving it to a friend for a while as you get over her.
Research on relationship breakups finds that people who cut contact with each other feel better and get back out there MUCH faster.
You might feel like a bit of a dick for cutting her off but it’s actually a super healthy thing to do.
The more contact you have with her, the more risk you have of setting off an emotional time bomb, getting back together, and being in relationship no-man’s land where you, “Might be together, but maybe not, but just having sex, but no emotions so we don’t get hurt again, OK”?
We’re often REALLY poor observers of our own relationships: What went right, what went wrong, and what we should be doing.
Talking to someone like your close friend, a trusted family member, a counsellor, etc., can keep you out of your head, from overthinking, getting into shame spirals, and blaming yourself.
They’ll be able to objectively tell you what’s going on, and help you through the situation with support so you’ll feel much better, faster.
You’ll probably feel like shit for a few days if this was a really important relationship and you won’t be able to do much work…
But after a few days of this it’s going to drive you up the wall, and do more hurt than good.
Give yourself a time limit to feel whatever you want to feel in bed, and then force yourself to get on an empowering morning routine or schedule.
Wake up at 6AM every day.
Blow through some work.
Call a friend.
Go to the gym…
By establishing a series of positive habits and healthy activities, you’re going to feel much better compared to just sitting and moping around in bed all day.
As Casey Neistat says, the solution to many problems is WORK.
The more time you’ve spent with a girl, the more your identities meld together.
Being with someone in such an intimate position creates a separate psychological entity that’s a combination of you and her.
And when you breakup that thing dies, and it hurts.
It leaves an empty space in who you are.
Breaking up with a girl might make you forget your value as a man.
The things you have OUTSIDE of the relationship.
Learning how to get over a breakup fast involves you finding that value again.
This is the time when you want to work INSANE hours.
This is the time to remember what your purpose in life is and to put all your energy into it.
While you’re doing that, here are some other suggestions:
Massive investment in yourself is the way out of heartbreak and it will give you happiness independent of anyone else.
Not only will this boost your endorphins and make you happier, but you’ll get your stress out and increase your testosterone and masculine energy.
Get to the gym and don’t stop going.
It doesn’t have to be a hardcore workout, but just go.
Isolation is worse for our health than drinking and it leads to overthinking and depression.
Replace ALL the time you’d spend with the girl and hang out with your friends instead.
Do it EVERY DAY.
Talking with your friends is therapeutic, and it will also help you re-discover who you were before your girlfriend.
They’ll re-assure you, make you feel better in the moment, and help you laugh again.
Good friends are some of the best things you can have in heartbreak or troubling situations.
As an alpha man you’re going to feel huge urges and pushes from outside, society, and otherwise to get back on the market…
But if you rush into it, you’ll feel even worse (see rebounding above).
Don’t pressure yourself to get back out there until you’re GENUINELY EXCITED to do it.
If not, you’re going to be DESPERATE for a woman’s attention and be super needy, which will just turn them all off.
If you feel like you NEED someone and can’t be alone, you aren’t ready yet.
You need to be excited to see what happens, and OK if nothing does.
Once you’re in a good place you’ll just do better with women anyways.
It’s worth the wait.
Some people want to stay on friendly terms with an ex which is a very good thing to want (unless it’s a sneaky way to try to get back with them or always leave the door open)…
But this should happen organically.
Don’t force it.
If you do, it could make people feel obligated to you and kick up the negative stuff you left from the breakup.
If you were meant to be friends and there was friendship inside the relationship, it will emerge outside as well once you’ve both moved on.
You might both have to start dating new people so you see that there isn’t a possibility of re-connection.
It might just take days, months, or years…
But if you were meant to be friends, it’ll happen.
Do yourself a favor and don’t force it.
I know you’re in pain right now and want to make it go away, but you need time to let go.
By following these actionable items in the 12 steps, you’re going to be well on your way to recovering and being healthy and ready to get out there again.
Remember: Women aren’t going anywhere, don’t force yourself.
Putting extra pressure on yourself to date and beating yourself up while you’re in pain is just going to make the recovery process take longer, make you feel worse, and just screw up your interactions with women.
Give yourself time, let yourself be in a bit of pain, and then once you’re starting to feel better and you’re back to your super confident self, go out there and have some fun.