Even if you’re not a beginner, it would benefit you to learn how to text a girl for the first time. There’s always something to improve on, and it’s helpful to see things from a different perspective.
Since texting a girl with confidence is something you’ll essentially use with any girl you meet at some point, it’s in your best interest to learn how to do it right. Especially when it comes to the all-important first text.
We’re going to assume that you already have the number of a woman you’re interested in, and that you’re looking to get started on the right foot. You may have obtained her by meeting her in person, through online dating, or through some other means such as a mutual friend.
In any case, it’s crucial to get things right, starting with the first text. These tips will work from normal texting through messaging on the few hookup apps that we know work.
Allow us to discuss the proper ways to text a lady for the first time, and create attraction with a woman you like.
Use these tips for texting a woman's phone or even when messaging online (check out our rankings of the best sites for meeting older women to find out more).
Firstly, you must recognize that if you have her number to begin with, she’s a warm prospect.
While there’s a slim chance she may have given it to you out of politeness, in most cases a woman will only give you her number if she’s at least mildly interested.
Consider it a win, even if there’s still work to do.
It’s much easier to engage a woman who’s a warm prospect, than it is to try and convince a woman who isn’t sold on you after making your first impression.
Assume there’s some attraction in place to begin with, and you’ll have an easier time moving forward starting with your first text.
Texting a woman for the first time often induces some anxiety.
It’s normal to feel a bit nervous – especially if she’s an attractive woman.
It means that you’re not settling for less than you deserve but there are some great dating books out there to help improve your confidence and chances of success.
You deserve a cute girl with a bright personality that compliments your life – regardless of how long she is a part of it.
If you’re nervous to send that first text, or endlessly contemplating what you should send or how you should send it, you should take pride in having some anxiety.
It’s much better to be a little bit anxious than it is to be indifferent.
It’s counterintuitive to pursue women just for the sake of it when you’re not really interested.
The most important thing you about how to text a girl for the first time is to avoid blatant mistakes.
There’s nothing worse than hurting yourself from the point of the initial hello and then knowing that she won't text back.
The first message you send a woman should be very casual, direct, and to the point.
Sending a long-winded message or pushing a conversation from the get-go is incredibly overwhelming in most cases, and would likely harm your chances with her.
You can say things like, “Hey Anna it’s Mike. It was nice to meet you today.”
But avoid saying something like, “Hey Anna it’s Mike, we met at Winehouse last night. It was great to meet you. I hope you got home OK. What are you up to today?”
While the sentiment behind the second example is nice, it’s way too much for a first text.
You can break it up into 2-3 text messages once she gives you an initial response.
It might seem trivial, but her replying to your messages is an emotional investment, even if it’s incredibly minor in the beginning.
But it’s this investment that helps further her attraction in you and will ultimately help you in the long run.
As the old saying goes, this is where the rubber meets the road. Let's take a look at some examples of how to start texting a girl with confidence. If you are struggling with your overall confidence with women there are a few great books out there worth looking at to help.
If you want to know how to start texting a girl with confidence, the first thing you should do is establish a bit of a dominance play. Therefore, don't ask permission to do anything. Just do it. There are many guys out there that ask permission for everything.
"Hey, Jenny. Wanna go to the movies?"
"Want to study tonight?"
"Are you interested in grabbing a drink tonight?
Guys figure that by asking first, they're being considerate of the girl's feelings. Yet, what they may actually be doing is driving her further and further away due to their lack of masculine energy.
Masculine energy is all about dominance. Not dominance in a bullying type of way (i.e., you will go to the movies with me or else!). I'm talking about a confident type of dominance.
Instead of questions try statements. For example:
"Let's go to the movies tonight" as opposed to "want to go to the movies tonight?"
The former is a statement. The latter is a question and what we want to avoid from now on.
Statements cause women to react, typically with a question:
"Isn't it a bit late for a movie?"
You can fill in your own answer, but the point is to replace your questions with statements. Thus displaying your masculine energy.
You can also use these tips if you are doing any online dating. We have had a lot of success online, mostly using our favorite sites for meeting cougars, and recommend that everyone give it a shot.
You have better things to do than text this girl 24/7, don't you? Even if you don't, she needs to think you do. After all, you're a popular guy and there are tons of women who demand your attention. She must view you as a scarce resource.
Scarcity occurs when the demand for a resource is high but there isn’t much to go around. For example, water is a scarce resource in a drought-stricken desert.
In the dating world, you’re the rare resource. You can let her have some of your time but certainly not all of it.
The more scarce you are, the more she'll want you. I'm certainly not telling you to blow her off when she rings you up at midnight. But keeping your texts brief and to the point will communicate that you have better things to do than sit around all night and chat.
A lot of guys are timid when they're texting women. Many are afraid to make that first move because they're waiting for more validation that the girl actually likes them. If this is you, ask yourself this one question - how many texts do you need to send and receive before you have the validation you need to make a move?
It's very likely she's waiting on you to make a move. Yet when you're too timid to take that first step, your texting relationship transitions from potential love interests to good ol' friends.
This will be your texting relationship soon enough:"Hey! It's my good ol' textin' buddy Matt back for another round of late night texting!"
If you draw out a texting relationship for too long without revealing your intent you're practically asking to be cast into the dreaded friend zone. Therefore, stop waiting for validation and just make a move. Let her know that "this is the reason I'm texting you."
You're not texting for the hell of it. She probably has a dozen guys in her back pocket she's texting for fun. You need to be that one guy she's texting because she's interested romantically.
Let's throw out all concepts of being the nice guy. Assertiveness is the name of the game here. That's especially the case when you're asking her out on a date. Remember this well - the whole point of texting a girl you like is to ask her out on a date.
So, don't be like a large number of men who fumble when it comes time to make a move. Most men have no clue what they want or how to go about asking a woman out. Thus, something like this happens:
"Hey, um...if you're not busy anytime we should go out to a movie. I mean, when you're free and all."
How many of us have sent cringe-inducing texts like this one to our love interests - not sure of yourself, fumbling, accommodating and worst of all lacking masculine energy.
Let's take a look at an assertive text:
"You. Me. Movies. Next Tuesday."
Straight and to the point. You're not asking her if she wants to go to the movies. You're telling her this is what you want to do.
If she has something to do on that day, then you would, of course, have to reschedule, but the point being made is that to be successful with your texting game you have to be assertive.
Never assume you're the only guy talking to a woman. Because she likely has an entire stable of men she's currently texting. Therefore, you have to differentiate yourself from the herd. The first way to do this is not to be boring.
Yes, this is a legitimate issue that many men struggle with. They don't know how to carry a conversation nor do they know how to start a new subject. Over time the conversation stagnates, and she'll just drift off to a more engaging guy.
Boring men are the ones who start conversations with "hey". Every guy starts their conversation with “hey”. It's tired and boring. She's seen it a thousand times so do yourself a favor and don't be that guy.
It's all about keeping her entertained. You're not a dancing monkey or anything, but keeping a smile on her face should be your ultimate goal.
Always have a conversation topic ready to go before texting. If your conversation starts to drag out and begins to stagnate simply kill it before things get awkward.
Making a woman feel comfortable is important to keep her engaged in the conversation. I'm sure we've all dealt with that situation where you're texting a woman, and she suddenly stops responding out of the blue.
You sit there and wonder what the hell happened. Was it something you said? Maybe it something you did?
In most cases, women only engage with a man if they feel comfortable. If you make her feel uncomfortable in any way she’ll mentally check out and simply ignore your texts. It happens all the time.
Any number of things can make a woman feel uncomfortable. Perhaps you made a sexual reference that she didn't like. Perhaps she wasn’t feeling a connection with you.
Whatever the case, texting a girl with confidence requires that you make her feel comfortable during your interactions. Just make her smile, and you're in business!
Now that you know the main mistakes to avoid, you can focus on sending the crucial first text.
Moreover, it’s imperative that you don’t overthink it.
Any attempt to embellish your first message might be seen as an overeager attempt, which would possibly turn her off.
In regards to your first message, less is more – keep it simple, like these for instance:
“Hey Emily, it’s Jon. It was nice to meet you yesterday.”
“Good to meet you tonight – James.”
“Hey Jess. Guess who ;)”
As you can see, the context behind how you got her number will change the tone of your first message.
The last example implies that you just got her number – this is a good message to send a few minutes after getting a woman’s number through online dating.
She may even play along if there was a good-humored vibe in your initial conversation.
With the other messages, you’re essentially fishing for that first reply, because you can begin a conversation once she’s a little bit more invested.
If you attempt to kick start a conversation with her instantly with your first message, you’d be making the common mistake that we mentioned before.
Creating attraction through text messages is a process, and it begins with the first text.
When you start the conversation on a high note, you’re putting yourself in a great position to escalate from there.
Keep the interaction playful.
Tease her whenever you can.
Get her talking about herself.
Pay attention when she asks you questions, because it’s a strong indicator of interest. It means she's not just leading you on.
Soon enough, you’ll be in a good position to ask her out. And then it's all about texting in anticipation for your first date.
Learning how to text a girl for the first time isn’t as complicated as you may have been led to believe.
If she’s a warm prospect, as she should be since she gave you her number, there’s little that you could do wrong as long as you avoid making any avoidable mistakes.
Text her and get your conversation started.
Ideally you’ll pick up where you left off.
Done right, text flirting can be a safe and fun way to get to know someone without pressure. But starting a good conversation by text represents double the problem. First, you need to get her number. Second, you need to deliver the goods.
These are tips that will work for you from a standard text conversation to getting things going on your favorite hookup app (if you don't have a favorite yet check out the proven hookup apps we have been using).
Luckily, there are ways to get around these problems. Knowing how to get her number is part of learning what to say to start a conversation over text. So let’s take a look at how you’re going to do it, so you can land a date with a woman you’ve just met or even one you know quite well.
First of all, you’re going to need to choose your method of acquisition. Do you want to give her the impression you’d like to start a text flirt with her? Do you want to pretend you’d like to contact her about something more serious or professional? Are you going to trick her into giving you her number?
Here’s a hint: The last option is not the right answer. If you trick her into giving you her number and then you text her, she might just block you – game over. But you can turn a professional or serious reason for calling her into something more, just as long as it doesn’t cross over any work/home boundaries.
Let’s assume you don’t work with her and you want to get her number purely to flirt. The problem here is, you need to flirt with her a little in person to do it. And most guys are after a girl’s number so they can flirt with her via text, generally an easier route.
The trick is to create a situation where she wants to keep chatting with you but can’t. One of my favorites is the public transport or grocery store line technique. Here you’ll get just a couple of minutes to flirt and suddenly – here’s your stop. It’s now or never.
“Oh no. I get off here. Hey, do you think I could get your number? I’d enjoy it if we could keep chatting.”
“I have to get back to work. Hey, do you want to give me your number or I can give you mine? That way I can send you a link to that band I mentioned.”
The great thing about this approach is if she says no, or nothing at all you’re not standing around embarrassed afterward. Just be polite and gracious. Say, “Maybe next time!” And get off the train, because there actually may be a next time and you might get lucky two or three times later. In building rapport, patience is a virtue.
Once you’ve got her number you might be feeling pretty pleased with yourself. But this feeling could wear off once you realize the real work has only just begun. Now you have to decide what to say to start a conversation over text. You also have to figure out the best time to text her.
Luckily, the second question is much easier to answer. You text her straight away.
“Hi, it’s (insert your name here). It was great to meet you. Thanks for giving me your number. Here’s mine.”
Hopefully, she’ll text you back with a mirroring text, saying it was nice to meet you too. If she does, or even if she doesn’t, you’re ready for text number two.
Open questions are questions that need a descriptive answer. Basically, anything which can’t be answered with a one-word response, like “Yes” or “No.”
If you know her already because she’s a colleague or in your college class or an acquaintance in your circle you’ll already have loads you can text about.
“Did you get the homework assignment details – I think I missed them.”
“What do we need to prepare for Thursday’s meeting?”
“Did you hear what happened to Tom?”
The key here is to ask a question you know she knows the answer to. You want to get her comfortable with texting you and receiving texts from you. You’re also starting a natural text flow, which can lead to other subjects and interests.
Three or four volleys into the chat (because you want to keep it going – and she’ll lose interest if you don’t reply straight away), you’ll want to show her you like her. When people are interested in each other, they tend to remember details about the other person. They also pay more attention to things the person has said.
You can show her you're interested by asking a question about something she said or a detail about her.
“My brother is going to Miami next week. Didn’t you say someone from your family lives there?”
“There’s a new Disney store opening up. I think I remember you saying you were a big Disney fan.”
“Do you have any good restaurant recommendations in (her neighborhood)?”
If you’re feeling brave and sense there’s already some flirting going on, you can be more direct and show her she’s on your mind.
“A woman walked past me today wearing your perfume. I had to stop and look. I thought it might be you.”
These are the small signals that let her see you like her without needing her to react straight away to your advances. Most women need a few days of thinking about a guy before they decide if they really like him or not. Plant the seed in her mind, you might like her and she’ll start thinking about it.
Quite often, it’s not until we connect with people on social media that we realize how much we have in common. If your phone number swap has led to more online contact that’s great. You can now see what you two have in common.
One word of warning. You should only pay attention to recent posts. There’s nothing creepier or more off-putting than getting a notification when someone you hardly know has been scrolling through your old photos. So mentioning long ago posted interests will also make her feel a little cyber-stalked.
Just look at what she’s posting right now and use it to build a connection.
“I saw your cute dog in your feed. I’ve got an adopted retriever. Where do you walk him?”
“Was that photo of you taken in New York? I was just there. Did you visit the Modern Art Museum?”
“Is that your mom or your sister in that photo?”
This last one can work wonders. It could make her giggle and she might even show the message to her mom. Suddenly, she’s received a compliment and is batting for you!
Before we get to the asking for a date stage, we need to run down some things you shouldn’t be saying or doing in the text. We’ve covered what are some conversation starters for texting and how to get it flowing, but there will be times when you’re lost for words. Maybe she just sent you a text and you want to text back quickly but don’t know what to say. Perhaps you just got the number and can’t find any shared interests. That’s okay. Just ask her.
“You seem like a really kind person. Are you an animal lover? Do you have any pets?”
Most women won’t reply saying they’re not kind. So this can open up a conversation about what pet she’d like to have.
If you’re not sure what to say, step back and think about it first. In early texts, it’s never okay to just send a “Hi,” or an emoji. This kind of text makes you look lazy and unimaginative. However, adding an emoji to a text of two or more sentences can be a good way to strengthen the emotion. Also, never text her if you’re drunk. You’ll regret it the next day. Also, never text her out of the blue, late at night. Waking someone up with an emoji isn’t going to get you a date.
Now that you know some conversation starters for texting with a woman, you’ll be ready to ask her out. The great thing about text dating is you can scroll back to see what you’ve already said. This means you can tailor your date request to make it more natural.
“Have you ever been to that restaurant on Madison? Would you think me too forward if I invited you to dinner there, Thursday night?”
This ask has everything you need. It’s specific – she knows where and when. Importantly, it’s also friendly and it contains a question that can’t easily be answered with a “No.” What part is she saying no to? She'll have to think about it.
As a general rule, you should leave enough space between asking and the date for her to prepare or change plans if needed. For example, asking someone out for a coffee during the day can be an immediate thing.
“Would you like to join me for a coffee in the park. It’s such a beautiful day.”
For a dinner date, on the other hand, asking a day in advance is better.
“Are you free tomorrow night? I’ve seen this great new restaurant in the city and I’d love to take you there.”
I personally would never set a date up for any amount of time over five days. By that time, you both might be seeing someone else.
In the end, some guys are just naturals at what to say to start a conversation over text, and some need the practice. When you first start texting women, don’t expect to be an expert flirter overnight. It’s an art form and you will get better with time. Just don’t be afraid to try.
Lastly, a great way to send a first text is to immediately pick up where your last conversation ended.
This isn’t something you’ll always be able to do, but definitely keep it in mind.
You may have teased her once or twice on her drinking and her “catty” behavior.
Adapt to your own unique situation – sometimes a creative first text works wonders.
Otherwise, you can’t go wrong with something casual, as we mentioned before.
Below, you’ll find the five stages of messaging a girl you’re trying to date and what to do in each stage.
After you meet a woman, send a message to re-initiate contact instead of calling her. It doesn’t require as much commitment on her part to reply to a message.
Send your first message within 24 hours of meeting her. This ensures she remembers as much as possible about you and the good emotions she felt when you met.
A good way to reintroduce these good emotions is to use callback humor in your first message. Send anything that references a moment that made her laugh during your initial conversation.
If you’re stuck for ideas, then send something simple like “Nice to meet you [name]. Have a good night. – [Your name].”
Remember, you’re not trying to build attraction or invite her out with the first message. For now, you just want to establish communication and get a reply.
Your next goal is to build her investment in you by increasing the frequency and intensity of your messaging.
Keep the conversation moving forward by making statements about yourself and assumptions about her. Avoid asking questions.
Questions put her on the spot and repeated questions risk putting her in defensive “interview mode,” which isn’t exciting or attractive.
If you do ask a question, keep it light and simple so it doesn’t require too much commitment to answer.
Stay away from polarizing topics that can end a conversation or kill her attraction for you.
Ideally, the frequency and intensity of her messaging should be increasing alongside yours. This is a clear sign she’s becoming more interested in you. Take care not to bombard her with lengthy messages as this over-investment can make you look desperate and put her off completely.
Attraction is built emotionally, not logically. When messaging a girl, it’s best done with light-hearted messages that assume a level of familiarity, contain wit or humor, or are flirty without making her uncomfortable.
It’s great to include callback humor, teases, funny memes or playful assumptions about what she’s like. Throughout this phase, you still want to be unpredictable and challenging enough to keep her interested.
Maintaining and building comfort is actually easier than building attraction since comfort-building is mostly achieved by acting as a positive, non-threatening environment in her life.
The best way to build comfort is to exchange social media details with her. This way, she gets to learn more about you and your life. She can (hopefully) see for herself that you’re a cool guy who has a lot of friends and doesn’t look like a dangerous creep.
On top of that, any light and fun messages that add to her day without making her feel pressured can create comfort.
Feel free to send photos or videos of cool things that are going on throughout your day. This really helps to create an impression of what it would be like to date you. As she gets to know you better, she should become more invested in you and less nervous about the idea of meeting up.
With experience and intuition, you’ll start to see patterns and know when the moment is ripe to invite her out.
In the meantime, you can test her commitment level without too much risk by using a technique called “baiting.”
The bait is usually a non-specific or low-pressure text about the two of you meeting up. It’s like touching a woman’s arm in conversation. If she is interested, she’ll respond. If not, you haven’t lost any ground and can keep working from where you are.
Here are some examples of non-specific invitations:
“Let’s get together next week...”
”If we don’t hang out soon then I’m going to start cheating on you.”
“You guys should meet us out this weekend.”
“We are going to be at X bar, you and your friends should stop by.”
She doesn’t have to be too invested in you to agree that this is a good idea. If she does agree, you can proceed and make more specific plans. If she ignores the invite, you haven’t lost out on too much because the plans were either non-specific or something you were going to do anyway.
Remember, you don’t need to make a woman fall in love with you over the phone. The real attraction is built in person. Over the phone, you just have to do enough to convince her to meet you for a date. It shouldn’t take weeks of back and forth. Most guys wait too long to pull the trigger and invite a girl out.
If you invite her out and she doesn’t take the bait, that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s over for you two. Most likely, you’re just not as far ahead in the five stages of messaging as you thought you were.
Just go back to building attraction and comfort, then send another invite later on. As long as she’s replying, there’s still a decent chance she wants to come out and meet you. Timing counts for a lot. Attractive women tend to have a busy social calendar.
If she stops replying or makes it clear she doesn’t want to meet at all, there are plenty more fish in the sea.
Make sure you’re out meeting new women and getting new contacts all the time, as this will stop you from texting any particular girl too often and scaring her off.