You want to learn how to be confident around girls.
You want be the Don Draper and James Bond of women.
When girls look at you, you want to be the guy that makes them feel nervous, anxious, and thinking, “Oh God I HOPE he comes to talk to me!”
That super cool guy every woman wants to meet and be with.
The problem is that the confidence isn’t there.
How do you learn it?
Do some guys just have it and some don’t?
There are steps you can take right now to become more confident around women, approach them, and get the ones you want.
This is the #1 way to learn how to be confident around girls.
Many guys think that WHEN they get women, they’ll be happy.
In fact the opposite is usually true.
When you fix your life, you are inherently happier, more confident, and meeting women becomes much easier.
If your life sucks, you hate your job and all that, you won’t be confident approaching a woman because you’ll think, “Why would she like me? I don’t have anything to offer.”
This is the cornerstone of destroying needy behavior, and something Mark Manson talks about a lot:
The only way to really do well with women is to improve your life and make it amazing just for you, and THEN bring them into it.
Otherwise, you’ll always sub-communicate that you need them to be happy.
Love you work, your friends, your hobbies, and everything else.
The best way to have a healthy relationship, whether it’s a girlfriend or a one-night-stand, is to not need a relationship at all.
Let that sink in a bit.
What do you think happens when you approach a girl not looking her in the eye, with your arms crossed, being slumped over, and mumbling, “Uh, like, do you like stuff?”
It sub-communicates that you aren’t confident in yourself.
For verbal communication the basics are:
If you have some social anxiety or think you need some improvement with verbal communication, join your local Toastmaster’s group:
Membership dues are INSANELY cheap and you get to practice speeches in a safe environment.
Everyone is super supportive and friendly.
Online dating is also a great way to meet a lot of women quickly to practice with (check out our review of the best websites for dating cougars to find out where to go)
You’ll be a boss in a few months and it will help you in your work/business life as well.
Most of what keeps you from doing well with women are your limiting or negative beliefs and anxieties.
If you got rid of all those, went on dates, analyzed what went wrong and how you could improve from each, and fixed your sticking points, you would move forward at lightning speed and be dating tons of women in no time.
…OR you can embody the definition of insanity, repeating the same thing over and over but expecting different results *cough, cough*.
The problem is that your mental garbage keeps you from succeeding.
You need to see what scares you, where it comes from, and if the belief makes sense.
For example, you’re probably familiar with approach anxiety.
But, have you ever really analyzed WHY you have it?
I mean you’re just walking up and saying hi.
As long as you aren’t physically threatening her, it shouldn’t be a problem… right?
But maybe you believe people are inherently out to get you because you were bullied or abused in your past.
Maybe women specifically scare you because your mom smothered you as a kid and you believe you need to keep your distance from women to stay safe.
Do these old beliefs serve you?
Maybe they helped protect you before but now they’re keeping you from being happy.
Examine your beliefs, route them out, and test different assumptions against them.
For example with approach anxiety, are people mean when you go up and talk to them?
If you can’t work through your beliefs yourself…
Sometimes you might have been through so much that your beliefs are deeply engrained in you and you can’t analyze or change them yourself.
This is when you need to consider going to therapy to work through your issues.
It could be terrible social anxiety.
It could be erectile dysfunction when you’re in your 20s (not normal AT ALL).
It could be that you believe all women are out to get you.
Whatever the issue is, you can pay trained professionals a small amount and get DISPROPORTIONALLY HUGE chunks of your life and happiness back.
Don’t rush to pick a therapist though.
You’ll know when you find one that’s good for you.
Talking about your sexual shame issues around women might make you more uncomfortable than talking to a supportive male figure, so it’s recommended that you stick with male therapists.
If you want to work specifically on your anxieties, consider someone who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy, which is all about taking action to tackle a problem.
Also, it will get worse before it gets better.
It sucks, but that’s just how this stuff works.
Trust me though, it’s worth it.
Meditation will help you work through your own beliefs and therapy.
Basically, you’ll learn that you aren’t your mind or your thoughts.
Thoughts come and go, and you don’t have to fuse with them.
Most people get tripped up when they hear a judgmental or bad thought because they think it HAS to be true for them.
But if you’re hearing your thoughts, are you really them?
How can that be?
This is a concept that referred to as the thinking and observing minds in Eastern philosophy.
Read more about that here.
As you begin to separate from your thoughts, you’ll be less tripped up by them, and can proceed.
Elliot Hulse has a great video on how society these days is “top heavy”, emphasizing everything in the mind and brain.
But, thoughts change as quickly as the wind.
As you separate from your mind, learn to follow the three things that won’t lead you wrong: your heart, gut and balls.
You heart tells you what you truly want.
Your gut gives you the feeling of how to get it.
Your balls tell you that you want sex and women, and screw all the social protocol and mind-created fear.
All there is, is now.
Everything else is F.E.A.R. - False Events Appearing Real, in some future that may never even happen.
“If you hesitate, you masturbate.”
My friend always used to say this.
Basically if you don’t move fast, you’ll eventually talk yourself out of approaching the cutie or you’ll do it awkwardly.
Or even worse, some other guy will go up to her and take her home.
Oh well, right?
But next time never happens, because you keep waiting, and waiting, and waiting to feel PERFECTLY confident…
Also, if you’re hovering around her and looking at her then looking away, she’s going to sense that you don’t have the balls to go up to talk to her.
If you want to learn how to be confident around girls when it comes to approaching them, do yourself a favor:
Give yourself three seconds, then just get your feet moving towards your lady of choice.
Momentum is an awesome thing: It’s hard to get something moving but once it starts, it’s hard to stop it.
Use this to your advantage walking all the way up to her.
Lifting weights gives you confidence in so many ways it’s not even funny.
It doesn’t even matter for girls.
You should be going to the gym anyways just for your own health a minimum of three times a week.
There are certain things you might be doing that sub-communicate weakness and not being confident in yourself.
While “insecure behaviors” seems like a broad and general term, it usually refers to one of these five specific actions:
All of these stem from a lack of confidence and self-esteem, and EVERYONE will pick up on it.
Not only that, but by engaging in these behaviors, you’ll sub-consciously tell yourself that you shouldn’t be confident in whom you are as a man.
You aren’t accepting your strengths and weaknesses, your present situation, or what you’ve done.
Work on removing these behaviors from your life and your confidence around EVERYONE will skyrocket.
See this article for more information.
If you’re wondering how to be confident around girls, having a supportive wingman is one of the best things you can do for your dating life.
In any challenging endeavor, having someone who can support you, push you, and challenge you is great.
Make sure it’s someone you trust: Someone who will let you openly and honestly talk about your fears.
Someone who won’t judge you.
You can use them as an accountability partner as well.
One of the best ways to cut off your excuses for not going after girls is to have them hold you accountable with a penalty: Give them $100 and tell them to give you back $20 every time you approach a girl.
Tell them if you don’t approach five by the end of the week they get to punch you in the arm.
Make it fun and motivating, but obviously not life-ending if you fail.
The point is that you over-ride your ego and excuses with penalties.
Saying hi awkwardly to five girls, or losing $100?
Note: If you are a super baller, increase the money accordingly ;).
Every problem has already been figured out.
Don’t waste your time creating your own systems or hitting your head against the wall.
Use your energy to push through your fears and add your own unique spin on things.
In business, someone can teach you sales funnels.
In the gym, someone can teach you how to deadlift.
And with women, someone can teach you how to get good with them.
Find someone who you think is good, and hang out with them.
Learn from them.
Ask them questions.
Say you’ll pay for their dinner if you can pick their brain.
And if your mentor becomes your wingman, #winning.
Becoming confident with girls doesn’t have to suck.
It can be a fun process full of growth, learning, and amazing experiences.
There will be some pain though.
Any new skill involves a pain period.
If you have a lot of emotional baggage, it might be even harder…
But you can become confident with women and have the dating life you’ve always wanted.
Just follow these 10 steps and you’ll be on your way.