Every guy has at least a little bit of approach anxiety before going up to a single woman they don't know. Plenty of guys experience this even with women they've known for years. You are not alone!
I'm going to share a few simple ways that have really helped me and the men I coach drastically reduce the level of anxiety they feel when approaching women. Try these out and see which work best for you:
For real. Give your wingman everything in your pockets – your cell phone, your wallet, your keys, etc. You get one item back every time you approach a woman. This works for day or night game. This is a “brute force” way of dealing with approach anxiety, and is best used in combination with some of the other techniques below.
Talk to your friends on the way out. Hit up a bar or restaurant on your way as a “warm-up venue” where you can shake the rust off and get in the habit of approaching. Chat with people in line and the bouncers. You’ll find yourself feeling more social “naturally” when you see women you like. Even when you get to where you’re going, have the attitude that “the first three approaches don’t count”.
Your brain is trained to make you act the way you are “supposed” to. So if you tell your brain that you’re not good with women, or that women don’t want you to approach, then your brain will make you feel approach anxiety. Your brain won’t want you to approach, since that contradicts the messages you’ve been telling yourself. But if you take the time to visualize – in great detail – every part of you approaching a woman successfully, over and over, you will be on track to reprogramming your brain.
It’s really hard to destroy approach anxiety if you’re going to places you don’t like. Find venues that have attractive women and that are fun for you – you will naturally want to be more talkative and to meet people. Approaching women only feels awful when YOU feel awful.
Guys learn a ton and then it’s time to go out. Some will have approach anxiety. One guy approaches a woman and use the same techniques that everyone learned in the program to get her interested. All of a sudden, everyone wants to approach. What’s going on here is that if you have the training and know that things are likely to go well with the women you meet, then you WANT to meet a lot more women. A lot of approach anxiety comes from learned helplessness.
Just like a good workout partner will help push you through your workout on a tough day, a good wingman will help you push through approach anxiety on a tough night. When your friends are having fun and approaching (and attracting) women, it’s hard not to want to join them.
Some people spend a lifetime fighting approach anxiety – and fail. At a live training program, getting rid of approach anxiety takes hours, and we have a 100% success rate. And once you’re over approach anxiety, that’s where the real fun begins, when you can spend most of your time meeting and attracting women instead of fighting yourself to approach them.
Some approaches are more challenging than others. In Day Game, a woman by herself who isn’t obviously busy or in a hurry to get somewhere is your easiest bet. In a club, few women are really by themselves. (In fact, a woman “by herself” is usually with a man...if her girlfriend went to the bathroom, she’d go too, but she can’t if she’s with a guy so she looks like she’s alone). For night game, your best bet is a group of 2 or 3 women, by the bar. Supermodels are usually more challenging to approach than the girl next door. Start with approaches that are easier and more comfortable, and build momentum for your next approach.
There’s no such thing as the perfect pick-up line or magic words that will get the girl. But saying the wrong thing, or having nothing to say at all, is social death. Whether you go direct or use an opinion opener is up to you, but make sure you have SOMETHING to say and that it’s not lame.
I’m not going to sugarcoat this. There is a LOT of great information on our site that will help you attract beautiful women, even women who you would think are totally out of your league. But if you don’t take action on approach anxiety, you can’t use any of it. Just like the best racing car driver in the world can’t use any of his skills if he can’t open the car door.
Obviously, the best way to solve approach anxiety once and for all is to work with a qualified instructor. Not only will they solve your approach anxiety quickly, but you’ll be attracting, dating, and seducing women who you weren’t even approaching before.