Do you lack confidence and wonder how to not be insecure? Do women seem terrifying to you? Perhaps, when you meet a beautiful women, you are absolutely certain she could never be attracted to you. You immediately assume she isn’t interested in anything you have to say. You’d feel more comfortable running into live gunfire than walking up and talking to her.
If that sounds familiar, I'm here to tell you that building confidence doesn't have to be hard.
Real World Experience Is The Only Cure For Insecurity
Contrary to what your insecurity, the internet, and popular culture would have you believe, women’s standards really aren’t that high. In fact, they’re pretty similar to yours. You probably think you want some smoking hot Victoria’s Secret model. In reality, you’d be much happier with any woman you’re attracted to who you could just be yourself around.
It’s no different with women regardless of where you meet them (in person or using one of the few hookup apps that work).
Although they might say differently, women don’t really want some incredibly ripped, squared-jaw, ultra-rich guy in an Armani suit. Sure, they’d probably jump his bones, but more often than not, that kind of person would make them feel wildly insecure about themselves and have nothing even remotely in common with their lives.
What they really want is a guy to eat ice cream with while watching Netflix. Preferably, the man isn’t a complete slob or pushover, but six-pack abs aren’t that important.
Why guys are insecure and lack confidence around women
The guys who are insecure and lack confidence around women feel this way for a couple of reasons. I’ve already explained how an unrealistic idea of women’s standards plays a role, but what is the other reason?
The other reason is that security and confidence with women is just a habit. It’s no different from socializing and in fact, more or less exactly the same. The more you interact with women, the more comfortable, free, secure, and confident you’ll be. The less you interact with women, the more you’ll be trapped in your head and a victim of your insecurities.
This article will give you tips on how to create that habit.
The toxic insecurity trap that most guys get stuck in
Before we move on to the ways in which guys can develop the habit of interacting with women, there’s a big sticking point I need to address, especially if you want to understand the difference between confidence and arrogance with men.
To learn how to not be insecure around women, you first have to accept that fact that you struggle with confidence. If you don’t do this and instead pretend you are confident or try to overcompensate for your insecurity, all you do is reinforce that insecurity and make it stronger. This will not help you in understanding the critical factors for having confidence with women.
This is a toxic insecurity trap that many guys get stuck in. They feel insecure around women so they feign disinterest, try to act cool, or just pretend to be a stereotypically confident guy that they’re not.
Aside from being painfully obvious that it’s a facade, this only serves to reinforce what their insecurity is telling them already: “You’re not good enough as you are, she’d never like you as you are.”
Wouldn’t it be better if you could accept that you are okay just as you are?
In my experience, there are four crucial elements that show you how to do this. They involve getting you out of your comfort zone, gaining new experiences, and confronting your limiting beliefs.
4 steps to overcome your insecurity and build confidence with women
Take small steps
If you’re insecure with women and lack confidence, then you’re not just going to be able to walk out your front door and start approaching every attractive woman you see. That’s not a realistic goal.
You have to start small, and think more practically.
If you already don’t socialize very often, then you will find it especially hard to feel confident around girls. The first thing you should do, then, is to forget about women for now and start expanding your social life.
Start going to more social hobbies (e.g. rock climbing) and talking to other guys there. Meet up with friends on a weekly basis. Try and chat to people daily if you can, even if it’s something as simple as being friendly and speaking to cashiers.
This might feel irrelevant, but it all promotes the growth of social muscles in tiny, imperceptible ways that add up to big changes.
Then, once you’ve become more confident with basic socializing, start attending hobbies/social activities that have you interacting with women more. There is no better place to do this than dance classes.
As a general rule though, try to go where you have a genuine interest. Then, when you’re at these activities, try talking to women more. Don’t worry about asking them out or anything yet, just talk to them.
This will help you demystify the idea you need to have some kind of amazing skill to speak to women and feel confident. In reality, it’s just a muscle you need to practice.
Confidence and insecurity are muscles, and like any muscle, they get weaker the less you use them. If I spend all week shut inside, never speaking to people, and writing, on the weekend it’s a lot harder than usual for me to overcome my approach anxiety. I feel just as nervous and afraid as when I first started improving my confidence.
And that’s normal. That’s how anxiety works.
There’s no one and done solution. You can have all the positive beliefs in the world, but you also need a lifestyle to back it up.
With this in mind, it’s important you keep practicing this stuff. If you want to learn how to not be insecure with women then you have to make sure you’re getting out of your house, socializing, and meeting women on a weekly basis. There is no other way.
I like playing video games and watching TV as much as the next guy, but those aren’t going to help you here. They’re actually going to make your issues worse.
Appraise your successes and failures
The biggest obstacle to your consistency will be you beating yourself up and talking yourself into quitting. That’s a tough obstacle to handle because, at the start, your insecurity will have a lot of negativity to work with.
When you’re inexperienced with women, shy, and don’t often socialize, it’s incredibly easy to take everything the wrong way. And whilst I’m going to cover why that’s 100% wrong later in this article, I want you to consider one thing:
How much do you really know about why you succeeded or failed in any interaction?
The answer, invariably, will be that you don’t know anything.
Whether it’s talking to a new guy friend or speaking to a woman you like, you have no idea why it went right or wrong. But when you’re inexperienced, you’re going to assume it has something to do with all the evidence your insecure mind throws at you.
Sure, at the start, you will make mistakes. But you have to make sure you’re not taking them as an excuse to quit. You’re not developing consistency in order to learn some skill that has you doing everything right. You’re being consistent so that you begin to not care when you get a thousand things wrong.
Let go of any idea of what you “need” to be
As I said at the beginning of this article, you don’t need to be anything incredible to be great with women. You just need to not stink, have your life together, and be someone who’s enjoyable to hang out with. These are factors in showing confidence with women.
But your mind is going to do it’s best to tell you otherwise. Maybe it’s insecurity or just something innate to men, but this is something I see guys struggle with all the time. They convince themselves that they have to be something other than what they are. And it couldn’t be further from the truth.
The fundamental core of learning how to not be insecure with women is realizing that you’re okay just as you are.
Maybe you'll walk up to her and be shot down. Maybe she'll jump over you. The important thing is that you’ll be okay either way. You don’t need her validation, you were just attracted to her.
So don’t try to be super cool, suave, or your idea of what an alpha male is, just work on being the best version of yourself.
It has nothing to do with you
The one thing that all confident guys have in common is that, paradoxically, they are rejected by a lot of women. In fact, the men who are the most secure with women actually get rejected all the time.
Because getting rejected actually doesn’t have as much to do with how confident or secure you are, as it does with her basic availability or things completely out of anyone's control.
She might be in a relationship, you might look like her ex who treated her badly, or she could simply feel insecure. There can be reasons X, Y, and Z that have nothing at all to do with you.
So if you experience rejection, why should you care? It’s not personal. Once you accept this, you’ll just brush it off and talk to someone else. You’ll never worry about how to not be insecure again. That’s the beginning of a better life.