While each woman has her own unique set of preferences, some preferences, such as confidence vs arrogance, are practically universal law.
One of the biggest turn-ons for women is confidence.
One of the biggest turn-offs?
Arrogance.
Learning what differentiates confidence vs arrogance is tricky, but with a little finesse, you can learn to spot the difference.
What You Need to Know About Confidence Vs Arrogance
Not only will it make a huge difference in your dating life, but when you develop a solid sense of confidence and lose the arrogance, it will do a total 180 on your professional, friendship, and family life too.
So what's the confidence vs arrogance difference?
At first glance, it can be difficult to tell the difference between someone coming from a place of confidence vs arrogance.
Both speak forthrightly, stand tall, and command attention.
But you'll notice certain patterns to differentiate confidence vs arrogance.
This goes for both in person interactions as well as those that happen over text or online (check out our review of the best websites for dating older women if you are interested in that).
Confident men listen and empathize; arrogant men belittle and bully.
Confident men celebrate the successes of their peers; arrogant men get stuck on "one-upping" or undermining the success of others.
Confident men strive to be constantly seeking self-improvement; arrogant men need constant validation.
And at the end of the day, confident men will be ultimately fulfilled while arrogant men will always feel like they have been shortchanged by their own lives.
Confidence is a belief in yourself and the belief in the rightness of what you are doing
A confident man, a man who carries himself with grace and inner strength, is projecting to the world that he is someone worth considering and respecting.
Confidence isn't just sexy to women; it's sexy to everyone.
Learning to project confidence in yourself will give you a leg-up in virtually every area of your life. This is a critical factor in having confidence, especially with women.
Job recruiters nearly always list confidence as a reason to make a hiring decision.
Financial and professional advisors are adamant that going in to business dealings, whether it's greeting a new client, closing a deal, or asking for a raise, with your head held high and confidence in your voice.
Arrogance is a belief in putting your own needs first and foremost
See how that's different?
The arrogant man doesn't necessarily care about principles and convictions; what is far more important is what to say to get others to like him.
Since an arrogant guy is always looking out for Number One, his belief in anything outside himself is always secondary.
And it’s a huge turn-off to women.
Come to think of it, arrogance is off-putting in work situations, friendships, and even family relationships.
Why is arrogance so odious to people?
Because it's masking something else: insecurity.
Arrogance is asking other people to give you the love and attention that your own damaged ego craves.
The heartbreaking irony is that while arrogance is always able to be deeply hurt by others, the validation coming from other people will never be enough to satisfy an inner sense of arrogance. This is not how you build real confidence.
Arrogant people are very difficult to trust
One of the major reasons women detest arrogant men is that they're very difficult to trust.
Or rather, they're very difficult to find reason to trust: an arrogant person will believe himself to be inherently trustworthy, but when pressed, he will make his decisions based on what benefits himself.
Compromise, compassion, and flexibility aren't in his vocabulary.
The first question on an arrogant person's mind is, "what's in it for me?"
Since arrogant people are in an ongoing thirst for validation, the reassurances of a partner ultimately won’t mean much.
Eventually, a partner’s reassurances will stop soothing arrogance and an arrogant man will seek approval and ego-stroking from someone else.
You’d better believe that women are savvy to this.
Keep your eyes on your own work
Lots of guys get caught up in trying to "prove" that women actually want arrogant guys.
They say that they knew a guy in college, they have this boss, they point to Kanye's Twitter feed… but the irony is that the truly confident guy doesn't care about this.
We all know jerks who somehow have success, whether it's in the workplace or the dating pool.
Unless you ARE that jerk (and if you are, why are you such a jerk?), it hasn't been working for you, so why would you play to your weaknesses?
Cultivating arrogance is a huge mistake and the type of smart, attractive women you want to meet won't put up with it.
Instead, let’s focus on developing your confidence around girls.
If you're having trouble feeling confident, take a moment to look within
Are you having trouble feeling confident because you're anxious or feeling frustrated about the dating process?
Or are you having trouble finding things about your life to inspire confidence?
A lot of guys think that they need to reach some sort of milestone and their sense of confidence will naturally happen.
These guys think that once they get that new car, make a higher salary, or hit their goal weight, the skies will open and confidence will rain down on them.
The bad news is that confidence rarely works this way.
The good news is that this means that you don't have to wait to start developing your confidence!
You can build your awesome sense of self-worth even as you're striving for your goals.
(In fact, confident people are always striving for the future.)
It might sound counterintuitive, but one of the main ways to distinguish confidence vs arrogance is a willingness to be vulnerable
Whether it's something as simple as asking a question for clarification or showing an emotional availability, confident men will have no problem showing their vulnerability.
He's not trying to prove anything. This is a great way to show confidence with women.
It's only the arrogant man that gets so wrapped up in how others perceive him that he loses his ability to have any sort of vulnerability.
From her perspective, who would you want as a partner?
If you struggle with this, try developing your confidence by doing a small thing every day that makes you feel vulnerable.
Sometimes, confidence is letting your best attributes speak for themselves
Few things are as unattractive as a man who cannot stop telling you what he thinks his strengths are.
But what's really attractive is a guy who knows that the best parts of him will shine through, no matter what.
A guy who brags about working out gets eye rolls, but a guy who can perfectly fill out a dress shirt will turn heads.
A lot of women really hate when a guy brings up money (because it makes us feel like you're buying our attention and ew!), but many of those same women don't mind a guy springing for a nice dinner date or a show if he doesn’t make a fuss about it.
Again, the confident man doesn't worry about it; it's the arrogant man who just has to make it a point of conversation and pride.
However, don't confuse confidence with material wealth
You might be surprised that some of the most confident guys around aren't the most rich, successful, or conventionally sexy dudes out there.
Instead, they're the guys who might be struggling in their finances, maybe out of shape, and a little under appreciated in their fields.
While arrogant guys will gripe for days about how "shallow" women are for judging them, the real secret is that a lot of women simply do not care.
A confident man knows that what matters to women is a man who is comfortable in his own skin and his own lifestyle.
There are plenty of confident guys who are struggling financially but rich in love.
Play up your positive attributes instead
Instead of demanding praise for the things you're insecure about, use a little ingenuity to present your best self to the woman you're trying to impress.
For example, I couldn't care less about what kind of car a guy drives. In fact, even in car-culture Los Angeles, even being a little car-crazy myself, I've dated guys without cars. And it's fine.
What is a real deal-breaker is if a guy doesn't pay attention to my tiny dog.
If a guy is willing to take my little dog on a walk while I cook us dinner, I’m more than happy to give him a lift for our dates.
Whatever it is that you’re insecure about, find something that you’re able or willing to do and bring that to light.
Don’t underestimate what women want
When I ask guys to list their positive attributes, it’s really frustrating to hear guys say that there’s nothing special about them that women would find attractive.
But then a funny thing happens: when I ask them their qualities that draw their friends and colleagues to them, these same men have no problem listing off their attributes: they dominate Simpsons trivia, they can set up a LAN party, they make killer microbrews, they have a dark and twisted sense of humor.
There is zero reason to think these qualities are unattractive to women!
Lots of women share your interests and even more would be interested in learn about what makes you tick.
Show, don’t tell your strengths
One of the tough parts of dating, especially online dating, is standing out from the crowd.
If you’re too humble and reserved about your best qualities, then yes, you will get overlooked.
But at the same time, nobody likes a braggart.
So what do you do?
Back up your best qualities with real life examples!
Don’t say “I’m a sensitive, compassionate guy.”
All this tells her is what you THINK your strengths are.
Instead, try an example of your sensitivity and compassion: “In my spare time I volunteer at an animal shelter” or “I host a fundraiser for the children’s hospital.”
If you are proud of the monetary success you’ve achieved, mention a few vacations you’ve been on or that you love to take a date on a fine dining excursion.
If you’ve put a lot of time and dedication into your craft or your career, talk about what it is about it that brings you satisfaction.
At the same time, own your weaknesses
When they come up in conversation, acknowledge and take ownership over your weaknesses.
Were you late?
Apologize; don’t dismiss.
Did you accidentally put your foot in your mouth and say something insulting?
Own up to the mistake and move on; don’t diminish your own actions.
Women will be far more forgiving to a confident man who’s cognizant of his shortcomings than an arrogant man who constantly blames others for his actions.
This includes any instance where you might be tempted to do a little bad-mouthing.
Before you talk smack about your employer, your living situation, or your exes, keep in mind that the only opinion your date is forming is about YOU.
Staying cool and civil in the face of adversity is a hallmark of a truly confident guy.
Try different paths on your road to confidence
If tackling self-improvement to get a date is too daunting or you find yourself getting overwhelmed, pick up a book on public speaking.
Books on Zen meditation, business, even books by motivational speakers can be helpful in getting you to just feel comfortable projecting yourself.
Watch how other confident people carry themselves: Netflix has dozens of TED Talks and standup specials that feature people confident enough to command the attention of a crowd.
Even public radio features reporters and interviewers confident enough to stay in control of their programs.
Understand that there as many ways of expressing confidence as there are people
Some guys are naturally charismatic.
They can command attention in a boardroom, light up the room at a party, and always get the bartender’s attention.
You know the type.
Of course, not everyone is going to be this kind of guy and that’s a very good thing!
(Can you imagine a party where everyone struggled to be the center of attention? That sounds like an absolute nightmare.)
Being confident vs arrogant means finding your own unique ways of projecting your self-worth.
Stay true to yourself and let your personality shine.
