A lot of people don’t really want to know the answer to the question of “am I needy”.
On the surface, neediness can look kind of cute, like you find her so wonderful that you can’t bear to be apart from her.
But there’s a reason neediness is so off-putting to women and it’s not just because it’s annoying.
You’re also sending the message that you expect her to budget her time and energy in a way that reassures you and gives you what you want on your timeline.
Am I Needy? You Might Be if You Do This
The underlying question of neediness is “what’s more important than taking care of me?”
It might be time to ask yourself, “am I needy?”
Ten behaviors with women you need to watch out for:
Have a look at your phone.
Are there huge chunks of text from you for every one of hers?
While the communication doesn’t need to be strictly quid pro quo, it should resemble a back and forth conversation.
Some women like the feeling of security and validation that several texts a day provide them.
But other women will feel smothered and annoyed by the texts and it will make you come off as needy.
How will you know?
See if she initiates texts.
If she is returning your texts just as often, it’s safe to assume that she is okay with it.
If you’re still not sure, just ask her, “hey, am I texting too much?”
She might not come out and say yes; it might be something like, “I’ve just been really busy lately.”
But if she likes it, she’ll be sure to encourage you to keep sending those messages.
Putting the relationship in the fast lane
It’s cool to let a girl know that you are taking her seriously and you see a long-term potential in her.
If you met her in your day-to-day life or online (perhaps from one of the sites in our annual review of the best websites for dating older women) many of us are interested in dating a woman exclusively.
But if you’re trying to lock down exclusivity, moving in together, or naming your future children too quickly, you might need to slow down.
Ask yourself, “does this feel like the appropriate speed for the relationship or am I needy?”
If she responds with hesitation or ambivalence, it’s a sign that you need to put on the brakes.
Making her account for her time
If you’re asking her where she was last night, or why she didn’t answer her phone right away, or why she can’t see you this weekend, you need to cut that out, pronto.
Not only does this make you come across as needy, but it’s a huge red flag for her.
You might mean it innocently enough (i.e.: you were thinking of her and wondering about her day), but there’s a good chance that she’ll interpret it as you trying to keep tabs on her and find out what she’s up to.
If she says she has plans on Friday and doesn’t elaborate, don’t pry.
If she wants to tell you, she’ll tell you. If she doesn’t, it’s none of your business.
Showing public displays of affection that she doesn’t want
Public displays of affection are a really fun part of dating– who doesn’t love the feeling of holding hands with a beautiful woman?
But make sure that she is feeling the same way about it.
Keep in mind that women face greater criticism in the public eye than men do– if they are being touched too much, they’re the ones scorned for being inappropriate, not the men who are touching them.
Also keep in mind that some men use public displays of affection as a way of showing ownership to other men, which is super off-putting.
Because of this, a lot of women are more sensitive to PDA and might be more reserved about it. If she is gently shrugging her arms off her shoulders, wiggling out from your arm around her waist, or moving your hand off her body in any way, respect her boundaries.
She isn’t being coy, she’s saving you the embarrassment from verbally confronting you about your octopus arms in public.
If you are over-flattering her you can give the “am I needy” question a big Y.E.S.
Nearly everyone loves to hear a compliment and find out about the positive qualities you see in them.
What people don’t appreciate is when compliments are used as tools for neediness.
If she isn’t receptive to your compliments and you just keep pushing the flattery, what you’re communicating isn’t “I just find you so wonderful that I have to tell you.”
Instead, you’re communicating, “I need you to like me and I am buttering you up so you like me more.”
Trying to buy your way to her attention
Everyone loves getting a thoughtful gift every now and then.
And if it’s a birthday or a holiday, splurging a little for something special can feel really good.
But are you showing up with a gift every time you see her?
If they are small, thoughtful gifts that aren’t huge financial investments, it’s probably okay, but mind that you aren’t going overboard.
If we’re talking extravagant, expensive gifts for no reason, it might be a sign that you are being needy.
On top of that, she can start to feel like you’re buying her affection or that you’re going to feel like she owes you something in return.
Begging and bargaining
Nearly all women are attracted to a decisive, confident man.
And nothing undermines your own attractiveness than sinking to begging and bargaining.
Not only is it a huge turn-off, but it’s telling her that you don’t respect what she is telling you.
No matter what the issue– seeing you on the weekend, introducing you to her friends, escalating a sexual situation– just listen to what she tells you.
You won’t talk her out of her opinion.
You might be able to badger her into placating you, but that’s humiliating for both of you.
Escalating emotional intimacy without a back-and-forth
This is a tricky one because emotional intimacy isn’t something that’s easily quantified.
But if you feel like you are constantly “upping the ante” emotionally, you might be subconsciously trying to manipulate her into bonding with you.
If you’ve shared your deepest, darkest secrets with her and she hasn’t, consider that you might be trying to accelerate the intimacy between you for your own benefit.
Craving the spotlight
You might be a naturally gregarious dude with a killer sense of humor and some entertaining stories.
Or you might be doing it to demand her attention to soothe your own insecurity.
Don’t be afraid to let the conversation between you take breaks and pauses.
She’ll appreciate that much more than getting a surprise one-man show.
Making her feel responsible for how you spend your time
If she’s going out with girlfriends, taking a class on weekends, or working late, are you hyperventilating into a paper bag?
Don’t make her feel like she needs to find something for you to do when she’s gone and definitely don’t pitch ultimatums about it.
Call your dude friends to grab a drink, or marathon through your Netflix queue with some take-out.
You might actually enjoy a solo night.