Dating during your teenage years usually opens your eyes to what it’s like to date while you’re still young, pumped full of hormones and, admittedly, kind of dumb. Dating while young is often rife with drama, clinginess and bad decisions. But sadly, not everyone is self-aware enough to shed off immature dating habits later in life. In some cases (or perhaps in your case), it’s possible you never learned how to stop being needy.
So try to reflect on something: are you still being needy? Do you constantly crave validation, affection and attention from your partner? And does this constant craving end up driving her away or ruining your relationship?
If your answer is a resounding YES, then it looks like it’s time for you to learn how to stop being needy. Lucky for you, we have just the guide.
Clingy vs. Needy: What’s the Difference?
“Clingy” and “needy” are sometimes used interchangeably, but they do have different definitions.
It's the desire to be in constant physical proximity to someone. If your girlfriend wants to see you 6 days a week, she could be described as clingy. If a woman won’t leave her best friend’s side at a music festival, she could also be described as clingy. It’s often used in a negative context as a way of suggesting that someone wants to spend too much time with another person.
It's the need for a certain outcome. In this context, that’s probably a need to make someone like you. If a guy is showering a woman with gifts before they’ve even met, that could be described as needy, but it’s not clingy because he’s never in her proximity. Texting a woman every day and getting frustrated when she doesn’t respond could also be described as needy, but not clingy for the same reason.
Either way, both behaviors are deeply unattractive to women because they imply that you won’t be OK on your own. They also suggest that you don’t think you can do any better than her. That’s a turn-off because women want to date up in the social hierarchy. They want to feel like they won the jackpot when they date or sleep with a guy. They don’t want to feel like they’re the ones who settled and you’re the one who got lucky.
That’s why I’ve created this guide to help you learn how to stop being needy and how to stop being clingy.
How to Stop Being Needy with Women
If you’re tired of being needy and want to date women who are amazing, follow these steps to find out how to being needy around them:
1. You must prioritize your life, needs, and desires above everyone else’s
Many people in society view this as being selfish.
“How can you think just about yourself and not other people?”
But that’s because most people are sheep getting herded or emotionally pulled by a stronger person’s desires and wants. And usually, it’s not in a good way.
It takes guts and it’s hard to be independent and different, to stand up for yourself. You’ll get A LOT of pushback because people aren’t used to this. However, this is the definition of rock bottom neediness.
When you are just doing you and people can come along for the ride if they want. But if they don’t, you’re OK with it and the potential rejection. You’re implementing the mindset of, “What do I want?”, versus, “What does everyone else want from me?”.
This is presenting yourself to that woman without awkwardness and shame and if she says no to your advances, being OK with it. This is being honest with your intentions of having sex with her.
It’s is knowing deep inside that staying home and appearing “uncool” to your friends might be more important to you than going clubbing one night even if it means getting to work late the next day.
The ONLY time it’s OK to put your needs below someone else’s is when you do it as a gift or out of love. This is the boyfriend who stays on the phone with his girlfriend for an hour past when he wants to sleep because he genuinely enjoys giving her his time, and doesn’t want anything in return. It’s the son who gives part of his day to help his Dad build the boat.
This is the core of learning how to stop being needy.
Read Mark Manson’s book, Models, to learn more about his definition of neediness and how he suggests to push through it.
2. You must create and craft a life you love
It’s impossible to be non-needy if you hate your life. You need to build up your life so you love every facet of it:
Your friends, your health, your hobbies, your job… EVERYTHING.
If you don’t have a life you love, you’ll self-sabotage yourself when meeting women, because you’re afraid to share what you have with them. You’ll also look to other people and things that are outside of you to make you happy:
I need that watch to feel good.
I need that woman to say that I’m attractive to feel like I am.
I need to spend all my money on someone to make her like me.
The best way to be happy and do well with women, is to not need anything external, and that includes her. This is a great step to overcoming your insecurities.
Speaking of which…
3. You must train yourself to rely on internal instead of external validation
External validation is like a drug: It’s that one-night-stand, that new watch, that new promotion, that thing that comes and goes as everything does.
And the only way to get more is to find something else external to keep the “high” going.
If you rely on this, you’ll always be clamoring and searching for more, just like a junkie looking for his next hit. But, internal validation is COMPLETELY controlled by you and is endless.
It comes from doing things you are worthwhile. It’s eating healthy, going to the gym, doing that meditation habit, writing 500 words a day, having the courage to approach the girl, finishing your work, going to bed on time, staying off of YouTube when you should be working…
You can gain MUCH more internal validation because all the factors to make yourself happy are completely set by you and controllable.
External validation is not controllable.
You can’t decide if that girl will like you or if you’ll get that promotion. Relying on external validation makes you needy. It makes you change yourself just to get people to like you.
If you want to focus on how to stop being needy, center on internal validation and things you can build inside yourself. And it's also a great time to figure out why girls might not like you.
4. You must learn how to stop being needy by analyzing ALL your behaviors and actions with women
The actions you take with women directly reflect if you’re being needy or non-needy (confident). Here are a few examples of needy vs self-confident behaviors:
- Having approach anxiety because you’re scared that the girl you like might end up rejecting you. Needy
- Approaching her regardless of whether she rejects you or not because you know that her rejection isn’t really that big of a deal. Self-Confident
- Trying to come up with the perfect thing to say to the point of manipulating the situation so you come across as a super charming guy. Needy
- Telling her whatever you want and hoping that she enjoys the conversation. If she doesn’t, you’re cool with that. Self-Confident
- Orbiting and being a simp while hoping that the woman you like will one day notice and like you. Needy
- Being honest about the fact that you’re into her without needing any proof that she’s into you too. Self-Confident
- Lying or concealing the truth from someone so that they’ll like you more. Needy
- Acknowledging your shortcomings and trying to become better not for some woman but for yourself. Self-Confident
- Waiting for a few hours to respond to her text so that you don’t come off as a loser who’s waiting around for her message. Needy
- Replying to a woman only when you have free time because you actually have other priorities. Self-Confident
5. You must constantly improve and invest in yourself
A man should ALWAYS be improving himself. He should be reading books, building his body, building his business… And he should do it for HIM. Not for anyone else.
Sure, the good body helps with the women as does the money… But the primary reason he is getting these things is for his own satisfaction and happiness so he can look at his life and say, “Wow”. It takes a lot of work to improve yourself.
As Casey Neistat says:
“Life is a lot like trying to go the opposite way on a moving sidewalk in an airport: Walk, and you’ll stay in place. Stay still, and you’ll get thrown behind. The only way to move forward, is to hustle.”
So hustle and grind and make your life awesome for YOU.
6. You need to learn how to say “No”, set boundaries, and stand up for yourself
Many guys who are needy suffer from “nice guy syndrome” (NGS). NGS is a term coined by Dr. Robert Glover, who wrote a book describing it as an anxiety disorder. Nice Guys hate feeling nervous, anxious, or stressed, so they do all this weird stuff to get rid of the bad feelings.
Things like lying, being manipulative, going along when they really don’t want to, and so on. If you want to take some steps on how to stop being needy, look over NGS and prepare to have your world crumble down on you in the best way possible.
The first time I read Dr. Glover’s book, I was so angry just after the first 5 pages because I saw all the messed up shit I was doing to make people like me.
Maybe you identify with this:
Do you have trouble telling a woman, “No”?
Do you let people walk all over you?
You need to learn how to stand up for yourself.
Read the following books:
- When I Say No I Feel Guilty by Dr. Manuel J. Smith
- No More Mr Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover
7. You need to stop supplicating to women just to get sex or keep them happy
Nice Guys CRAVE the attention of women and they feel bad without it. They’ll usually cave to what women want to make the women happy or to keep them. Of course, this has the opposite effect: repulsing the women.
Sure, some might stay with you. But they’ll know you have no spine and will walk all over you. You should learn how to live 100% without sex so that it doesn’t have control over you.
Note: It doesn’t mean you give it up or don’t date women EVER.
It means you might do it for a certain amount of time to make sure that it will never be a bargaining tool or something that forces you to do things you don’t want to do.
Monks voluntarily give it up and are perfectly healthy, so you should be able to give it up to just for a bit.
Always follow the guiding principle in David Deida’s Way Of The Superior Man when it comes to decision making and women:
By all means, hear what your woman wants and take it into consideration.
But, then make your judgment call of how to proceed based on your own core and internal compass. Even if she protests, she’ll love that you’re leading and can’t be swayed. If she says no all the time, she’s not the right woman for you.
Heads up: There’s a difference between saying no based on your principles, and just being a dick.
Don’t say no to try to “be like David Deida” or “alpha”. Just follow your gut.
8. You need to have supportive and awesome guy friends
Yes, it was mentioned in point #1 to have friends you like in your life. But it’s so essential that it deserves to be its own point. Without supportive male friends that can push and challenge you, you’ll lose your masculine edge in life, and begin to get more tied to your women.
It’s FAR harder to find great male friends than it is to find women. That may sound sexist but think about it:
You’ve probably dated many women who have come and gone and you’ve always found someone else.
But, how many REALLY amazing or super close guy friends can you say that you have?
Guy friends who you can talk about your fears of inadequacy to, who call you on your bullshit excuses, who constantly test and challenge you. This is NOT easy to find at all and you should cherish your guy friends and help them as well. By examining these steps, you’ll be able to slowly kill all the neediness inside you.
You can then approach women out of authenticity and a genuine desire to connect with them, not because you NEED them.
How To Stop Being Clingy
Most of the tips I’ve shared about how to stop being needy will hopefully help you stop being clingy as well.
As we’ve explored, clinginess is more about physical proximity. So, let’s round off this guide with some specific tips for how to not be clingy.
Make more friends, land more dates
Neediness tends to be born from a scarcity of options. If you only have one woman who likes you, you need her to meet you to stand a chance of getting laid this weekend. If you don’t have any friends apart from her, you also need her to ensure that you’re not desperately lonely.
As a single man, it should be your goal to be talking to lots of dating prospects at the same time - and ideally have several who are excited to meet you even at short notice. On top of that, you should have tons of reliable friends, or even hobbies that you enjoy doing alone.
That way, you’re not going to fall into the trap of always wanting to hang out with one special girl and getting accused of being clingy.
One way you can do this is by improving your odds of finding dates online. This online mastery course might just spell the difference between zero dates in 6 months to 6 dates in just one month.
Learn to be a social hub
A “social hub” is a fancy term for the guy who speaks to everyone he encounters at bar, party or any type of social event. He finds it easy to start conversations and make friends. Most people enjoy talking to him.
If you can improve your social skills to the point where you’re comfortable starting conversations with strangers, that will stop you having to cling to your date every time you take them out in public.
Don’t be so afraid of other guys stealing your woman
A lot of men become clingy to their woman at social events because they’re scared that other guys will otherwise swoop in and hit on her. This fear is born out of insecurity that you’re not good enough for your partner. If you believed you deserved her, you wouldn’t worry about this, because you’d trust your woman to tell other guys to take a hike. If you are worried about other guys, you need to work on your self-esteem or your trust issues as a matter of urgency.
If your date is with YOU at a social event, it’s because she’s chosen YOU. She could have picked other options or stayed at home with her vibrator, but she chose YOU over that.
So, start having some faith in yourself. Because, if you’re too clingy to her at these social events, she’s going to start to smell that insecurity on you - and it can be a huge turn-off.
At that point, the fear of other guys stealing your girl could become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Neediness and clinginess are two of the least attractive qualities that men can display! Hopefully, our tips will help you to this stop engaging in this unattractive habit, so you can start enjoying more fulfilling relationships, instead of turning off every woman you develop a crush on.