As the old saying goes, you only get one chance to make a first impression. This is especially true in the online dating world. The first message you send sets the tone for the early part of your interaction. And it will often make or break your chances with a woman.
If you're new to the online dating world, using a first message text formula can yield great results. Seasoned online daters may want to modify their approach as they gain more experience. But newbies tend to do best when they stick to the formula.
So what kind of formula should you use? No worries—we've got you covered with our first message online dating formula that works (with examples).
Incidentally, if you're new to dating older women, check out our Top Cougar Dating Sites List.
First messages in online dating that are 100% canned will yield lower results. On the other hand, 100% original emails can be time-consuming to craft. The ideal solution is a customizable template that is 75% complete before you start. By combining the best of both worlds, you can make your message unique while including time-tested lines that are proven to work.
This first message online dating formula will allow you to craft a highly successful response to any woman in minutes.
First Message Online Dating Formula That Works (With Examples)!
Read Her Profile
This is a basic step and one you should be doing anyway. Attractive women get blasted with canned emails. If you start off with an obvious template, you're just one more number in a noisy crowd. Another generic line shouldn't be one of the things you should use in your message.
It doesn’t take long to read a profile. Additionally, you want to take the time to get to know the person a little better before you go on a date. Rather than sending your first message based on a profile photo alone, read through the woman's profile. Look for warning signs or red flags.
Get in the habit of doing this now with our first message online dating formula. You'll get better results, and you can rest easy knowing you've done your homework.
Key things to look out for:
- Interests you two share
- Anything that you can potentially use to playfully tease her with, such as:
- Embarrassing stories
- Weird hobbies
- Something in her pictures
Pay special attention to see if she includes her name anywhere.
Consider the subject (critical)
Many people will only pay attention to your picture and the subject line of your message. Attractive women will have an inbox full of messages with the subject Hey! Hi! Hello! You're hot! Sup . . .
To cut through the chatter, you need to stand out.
The best way to do this is to talk about something she is interested in. In many cases, that means putting the focus on her. This also shows that you took the time to actually read her profile, which is a step a lot of lazy guys skip. This is a great way to talk to girls online.
You want something short that will immediately grab her interest. In most cases, this is best accomplished with a question—ideally one that ties into a common interest or hobby.
For example, maybe you noticed the woman's profile mentions her love of dancing—and that she's horrible at it. Your subject line could be:
This does three things:
- It piques her interest by putting an open question out there.
- You're already suggesting the possibility of a first date.
- This shows you're confident enough to tease her a little bit.
Pro tip - If she mentions her name in her profile, put it in the subject. In this case, "Dance lessons, Jessica?" She is almost guaranteed to at least read your message—if only to find out if she actually knows you.
With a message like this, you attract her interest, show confidence, and push the interaction forward in one sentence. This sets you far apart from 99% of the guys dating online. This won't work on every single woman out there, but it will be effective on a large enough majority. Remember, there is no magic bullet here.
Follow up in the body (opening and closing)
If you asked her a question online in your subject line, follow it up with a related sentence. For example:
“I knew that would get your attention”
This sets a good tone for the rest of your message while adding a little humor for good measure. You can use this line to go straight into your next sentence.
This is where you want to continue connecting with her as well as telling her why you are messaging her. Use the information about her you learned from her profile to bring up some shared interests. For example:
“I read through your profile and we seem to share a love of adventure, the feel of sand in our toes, and the taste of an authentic french croissant.”
Try to include the senses involved in your shared interests. You want her to hear, smell, feel, taste, and see what you are talking about. Be careful to only include positive shared interests. You are not going to get a response if you start off a message by saying something like:
“I read through your profile and we seem to share bad breath, recently deceased parents, and poor fashion sense.”
That isn't going to generate any positive feelings with most women, even if you are using this first message online dating formula exactly.
From here, you want to tell an interesting story tied to one of the interests you just mentioned. If one of your shared passions is scuba diving you could say:
“I just got back from a life-changing two-week scuba retreat in Belize. Fourteen days of diving in crystal clear waters having adventures in the local countryside. I'd love to hear about any interesting or exciting adventures you've had."
This serves dual purposes. In the first sentence, you are showing that you are an interesting guy that is fun to be around. In the second, you are painting the picture of a life that she would like to be a part of. Now that you have demonstrated why you are messaging her you can briefly mention a few of your strongest characteristics to really get her hooked. For example:
“A little about me: I’m adventurous, ambitious, confident, and a challenge.”
This may sound a little like bragging (and it is). But it is done in a confident way that is more matter-of-fact than arrogant. Dating older women requires confidence. If you can demonstrate confidence early when messaging an older women you will have better results.
Now you want to do a little more teasing. This is where you give a little and take a little. You will be confident and playful without being a total jerk. Start off with a very small compliment and then tease her about something else you saw in her profile. In this example it was from a woman who said she was great at ping pong:
“I think we would have a lot of fun together even if you are going to be mopey the whole night after I kick your butt in ping pong.”
Make sure that the way you tease and flirt with her online is very clean and can’t be misconstrued. It’s very easy to take a message the wrong way—even one that follows a first message online dating formula. At this stage, you don't get the benefit of seeing her reaction or body language when she reads your message. As such, it's important to be careful about the tone and content of your message. It may take a little practice to get it right.
Add a call to action
This is where you seal it. You want her to get motivated to actually send you a message back. You can close with something like:
"We are both on this site to meet someone great. I think it would be foolish if we didn't talk at least once."
This is a great way to connect with her and demonstrate that messaging you is in her best interest. She is on that site to meet someone great—and it just might be you. Now that you have given her every reason to reply, tell her exactly what you want her to do. For example:
“Send me a message back now and I'll take it from there.”
More confidence. If you can get her to take the big step of messaging you back, your odds have already increased tremendously.
This first message online dating formula is very simple and customizable for any situation. When you put all of our examples together it looks like this:
Subject: Dance Lessons?
Body: I knew that would get your attention! I read through your profile and we seem to share a love of adventure, the feel of sand in our toes, and the taste of an authentic french croissant. I just got back from a life-changing, two-week scuba retreat in Belize. Fourteen days of diving in crystal clear waters having adventures in the local countryside. I'd love to hear about any interesting or exciting adventures you've had. A little about me: I’m adventurous, ambitious, confident, and a challenge. I think we would have a lot of fun together even if you are going to be mopey the whole night after I kick your butt in ping pong.
We are both on this site to meet someone great and I think it would be foolish if we didn't talk at least once. Send me a message back now and I'll take it from there.
Pro tip: Timing is important. Message women when they are most likely to be online. If you see she was last online at 8:30 PM, message her tomorrow at 8:20 PM. If you can't see the time stamp, use the chart to the left. It’ll help you to better understand when women are more likely to be online. You want to be at the very top of her inbox when she logs in.
Your Turn: Try the First Message Online Dating Formula That Works
The first message is only one part of the online dating equation. For more tips, take a look at our eHarmony guide, Match.com Guide, and Cougar Life guides. They’ll help you learn how to best setup your profiles.
If you're new to online dating? Take the time to find the best site for meeting older women with our Top Cougar Online Dating Site Review.