If you’re wondering how to ask someone out online, you’re not alone. There are plenty of guys out there who have no idea how to turn online dating matches into actual dates. This guide explains the best way to ask a girl out, so you never have to lose out to some other guy again.
Follow these steps when you’re texting your online dating matches and you’ll maximize your chances of her choosing you to take her out on a date.
How to Ask Someone Out Online: Face Your Demons First
The most significant demon in your dating life is the fear of rejection. Don't take rejection from a woman personally. It happens to every guy out there— even the handsome, ripped and rich men.
According to Psychcentral, rejection is one of the most deep-seated fears known to mankind, especially when it comes to being accepted by a woman you find attractive online.
Every man wants to feel accepted without judgment, while at the same time getting what he wants. If you figure out what a woman wants first, she will be more open to your advances. So do your homework on her.
One more thing: while there's no tried and tested formula for asking a girl out, there are a few ways of asking her out that will drive her away. We also have a list of the worst ways to ask a woman out that you shouldn't even consider!
Know what she likes
Understanding what you want and what a woman wants is similar at the core. But between the sexes, there are significant differences. According to FitBrains, women focus more on multiple senses while men have more focus on visuals.
You’re turned on by what you see online, and she is more turned on by what goes on between her ears — so learn to turn her on in her brain first.
The between the ears turn-on for her include touch, smell, ambiance, visuals and feeling understood. While you can't let her know how you smell just yet, you need to inspire her brain on a more emotional level.
It’s exhausting for women to get boring messages, so you need to focus on what you write to inspire her to want to get to know you. How can you ask her out through text in a way that's going to help you get a resounding "YES"?
How can you do this? Get the conversation started. There are four steps to this conversation-starting system.
- Find common interests. It can be as general as a common love of sports or as specific as that one 70s B-movie you both know about.
- Create value. Give her a glimpse of your personality and why dating you is a good idea.
- Establish trust. Show a little vulnerability when you’re talking. Talk to her often and show her that you’re a pretty cool guy.
- Ask questions. As with creating value, you should show her your interest in her. Ask her follow-up questions and be specific so she knows that you’re not just asking to keep the conversation going.
With these four steps, you'll have a considerable advantage over other men because most guys don't know the basics of making a woman feel safe and connected. You can use these seven simple steps throughout your entire conversation with her to create an automatic “YES!” to you in her brain before you ask her out. She’ll imagine what it will be like when you finally ask her out.
People say “like attracts like,” and that may be true until you realize you have nothing in common. Then things fall apart quickly. So if you truly want to get with a woman, look for common ground.
Before you ask her out online, I want you to ask yourself three questions.
- What does she talk about in her bio?
- What does she have in her photos?
- Do you have anything in common?
When you start a conversation with a woman, connect the dots to things you both might like to do on your own. Then think about what you might want to do together that you’d both enjoy.
Analyze her photos and bio with your clever brain to figure out what makes her tick. Here are some questions you can ask yourself about her.
- Are her friends vital to her?
- Does she love animals?
- Is she a party girl or a homebody?
- Does she talk about Netflix?
- Does she smoke cigarettes?
- What kind of hobbies does she have in photos?
- Does she do yoga, boxing, or running?
- Are there pictures of her in a restaurant?
- What kind of food does it look like she appreciates?
- Is she into sports?
Where is the common ground between the two of you?
After you find common ground, I want you to bridge the gap between your life and hers with similar likes. Find your common interests and talk about them in your messages to her.
How to Ask Someone Out Online: Create Value
Creating value means first valuing your self-worth and imagining how you will make her life better. You want her to imagine what it will be like when she meets you, and let her know that you will make her life more fulfilling.
I want you to think about a woman's deepest needs because these are things that women crave from a man. So, if you don't know how to satisfy women in the bedroom, start reading up, because if you know what you’re doing, she won't want to get out of bed or have wandering eyes.
So a good start is to make a list of your best qualities and let her in on some of them while you’re chatting. Get a pen and paper and physically write them down. If you’re afraid of your roommate finding them, get out the matches and burn them in the sink.
Here are some ideas you can choose from for your list, and please make more of your own as well. If you don't identify with many of these traits, find your own.
- I'm good at carrying heavy stuff
- I'm good at throwing a football
- I take time to learn about what women want
- I am a good friend
- I'm a good lover
- I am loyal
- I am kind
- I'm fit
- I respect the woman I am with
- I have good hygiene.
- Manners are important to me
- I have a good sense of humor
- I am usually on time
- I'm a moral person
- I am intelligent
- I'm confident
- I am a good listener
- I have good earning potential
These traits are the kinds of things that women look for in a man. So, if you don't' have these traits — start cultivating them in yourself.
How to Ask Someone Out Online: Establish Trust
Establishing trust will help her see you as a good guy with an edge, instead of just another bad boy that will leave her after the first date.
For women to trust you, you first have to trust yourself. Trusting yourself means doing things that are in alignment with your best self. If a woman gives you red flags, you have to believe your gut and not ask her out on a date. Trust yourself.
To establish trust in women that you deem high-quality enough to share your time and energy with, you can use some specific words or ideas in your messages before you ask her out.
These are some trust words and ideas you can use
- Best friend
- Compliment her with things about her that aren’t physical.
These kinds of words establish trust with a woman and make her feel safe. And one of the best ways to develop trust with women is to follow through and make sure your actions are consistent with your words.
If you say you’re going to call, text, or pick her up at 7 p.m. — don't be a tool. Honor your word.
Your actions speak volumes to her as to the kind of man you are and want her to see.
How to ask a girl out online by keeping her attention
When you have the conversation started, you want to make sure to keep the questions coming so you can get the potential of dating you in her mind. I don't mean throwing down with a 10-question message either.
Keep the conversation flowing by asking a few questions here and there. This is extremely important at the start when you’re just getting to know each other.
I’ve seen many men send messages to women without asking her anything about herself. A string of boring statements with no question mark is an enormous mistake and will make the conversation fade into the online dating abyss.
After you establish these critical foundations, she will begin to imagine what a date with you will be like before it happens. Who knows, she might even ask you out!
How to Ask for Her Number
You can ask for her number or a date after you've established some trust and connection with her.
If you get her number and call her instead of only text her, you’ll be different. That’ll make you stand out beyond the average online man who is too chicken to call a woman.
Here's an example of how to ask a woman for her number online:
“I'm not on Tinder much anymore, want to send me your number? You seem fun!”
So many men text a woman after he gets her number instead of calling her. Calling her shows you’re confident.
A good formula for calling her is to text her first.
Send her a quick text, something like this:
“Hey Lisa, it's Sam from Bumble. I'm free after 8 p.m. tonight. Mind if I call you so we can chat?”
Make sure you tell her your name when you text her. Not just:
"Hey, it's me."
She will be racking her brain trying to figure out who the heck is "me"? What's the point in getting a girl's number online if your first text gets ignored? She might have given her number to three different men. If you don’t introduce yourself, you’ll probably be left on read.
It's that easy. Put on your big boy pants and just ask her to meet. The longer you wait, the more of a chance she will have to get together with the next guy in her online dating feed.
Learn How to Get Her Offline— How to Ask Her Out
Of course, you have to think of the text you’ll send her when you actually set up a date. Ideally, you want to be as specific as possible about where you’ll go and when. Something as vague as “we should go out” or “when are you free?” won’t cut it. So try these:
“I saw you like Mexican food in your pictures. My friends and I went out to a fantastic place last week and they have the best margaritas. We should go sometime. What is your week looking like to meet up?”
“I have some free time this week. Want to grab a drink with me and take the conversation offline? I'm free Tuesday and Thursday evening.”
If you don't drink, you can ask her to meet you at a trendy tea shop with ambient lighting or a coffee house. If you figured out she's into music, do your homework on some local shows and ask her if she wants to join you.
When you pay attention to her likes and dislikes it will make you stand out from the other men online. When you follow these steps, you’ll be on your way to getting with her in person — and who knows where that will lead? It's going to be good.
What to Say When Asking a Girl Out
Now you’ve got the general structure for how to ask someone out online, as well as some examples for how to word it.
But, keep reading!
If you really want to understand the best way to ask a girl out online, take note of these general rules for what to say when asking a girl out.
Keep it short and sweet
You might think that writing long detailed text messages is a good way to help a woman get to know you. But it can actually harm your chances of meeting her.
For starters, it can look a little too desperate if you’re writing lengthy paragraphs to a woman you’ve not even met yet. This can be a turn-off for a lot of women.
Also, when you’re writing these lengthy messages, you’re banking on her being invested enough in you to actually bother to read them. On Tinder and other online dating apps, that could be a lot to ask.
Women using online dating apps tend to receive a lot of messages and are usually trying to read through them and reply as quickly as possible.
So, cut out the fluff before you press send. It’ll make you look like you’re not completely sold on her yet, and will encourage her to chase you.
Keep it light-hearted and fun
Most women receive so many messages that it’s unfeasible for them to be able to reply to all of them. These women are definitely not reading each message one by one and replying to each of them chronologically.
No, they’re scrolling through all their messages and responding to those that look the most appealing and fun. That’s why it’s important to be light-hearted and fun when you’re texting a girl on Tinder. Jokes, teasing and banter are all highly encouraged.
If you’re coming off as light-hearted and fun through your texts, she’s going to expect the date to be enjoyable, so she’ll be excited to meet you. But if you’re coming off as dry and boring, she’ll struggle to find the energy to even text you back, let alone meet you for a date.
Make it easy for her to respond
If your message is difficult to understand or requires her to think too much to reply, she’s usually not going to bother. Instead, she’ll skip to the next guy who is writing a simple and fun message to her.
This is another reason why you’re best off not writing too much or asking too many questions at the same time. In fact, don’t bother asking any questions that can’t be answered in a couple of words.
You’re better off writing an assumption about the answer to your question, then letting her either correct you or confirm you’re right. So, “what do you like to do in your free time?” becomes “You look like you’re into XYZ.”
This is easier for her to answer, and more fun too! Most likely, you’ll catch her attention because she’ll be wondering what led you to make that guess.
How to ask someone out online by leading the way
Always remember the ultimate goal of this conversation. It’s to ask this girl on a date and meet her. It’s not to become her texting buddy! So it’s your job to lead this conversation towards your ultimate goal. It’s not in a woman’s nature to ask men out.
Before you send a message to your online dating matches, ask yourself whether it’s leading you closer to actually meeting her. If it’s not, don’t bother to send it. Send something that pushes the interaction forward instead.
Most guys overestimate how much “getting to know each other” is required before a woman is ready to meet for a date. You don’t have to be texting buddies for weeks! Once it’s clear that she’s into you, it’s time to start arranging the time and place to meet up.
If she’s not ready for that yet, you don’t lose out on anything. You can keep chatting and try again later.
But if you wait too long to ask her out, you’re in danger of being drowned out by other guys’ messages and forgotten. This often happens when another guy swoops in and asks for a date before you do. If this guy blows her mind on the date, she might not be interested in Tinder at all for a short while. Maybe she ends up in a relationship with this dude.
So, it’s best to skip the small talk and use your messages to lead towards a date as quickly as possible.
Despite all these useful tips, there is still the possibility that she might say no. If that happens, don't take it too personally. You've only known this woman for a few days or even weeks. She might have hangups or she might be dealing with other things in her life. It might not always be about you.
Either way, if you do use these tips, you have a higher chance of getting a woman to go out with you. Good odds are your friend in the world of dating. So get out there and try these tips out!