“I thought I would never have sex with a woman ever again in my life”. This is what my divorced friend, Andrew, confessed to me one night while we were having a drink together. Dating after divorce for a man can be full of mental barriers, limitations and false scarcity.
Andrew loved being a married man, a family man, the rock of the house, a Dad, the husband. He loved every bit of it and worked so hard to provide a comfortable and safe home for his family. Now it is gone.
Would any woman even go for a divorced man over 40 with 2 kids anyway?
Getting back out there after your marriage ends is tricky. Especially if you are anti-relationships, anti-dating and even anti-women due to a toxic divorce. But I challenge you to create an exciting dating life for yourself and carve yourself into being the man you really want to be.
Divorce can be the best thing that ever happened to you just like it was for my friend Andrew. He knew he had a decision to make - evolve or die. He needed to accept the reality of his divorce and move on or stay miserable and angry for the rest of his life.
His divorce challenged him to work on his issues, pick up new hobbies, learn salsa dance, take up stand-up comedy and become athletic again. At 43, his life is better than it ever was. He is dating beautiful women of all ages and having adventures he thought he would never experience in his lifetime.
All of this is possible for any man, regardless of age or circumstances but like anything worthwhile, there may be some initial challenges you need to overcome to create the dating and love life you always wanted.
What Is Dating After Divorce for a Man Like?
Dating after divorce for a man is anything but romantic. There are no women lining up outside your front door to snap you up, you are wondering if you’ve lost your mojo and whether you can even attract a woman in the first place.
Men suffer more than women after a divorce
It’s been scientifically proven that men suffer more emotionally than women after going through a divorce. Men are much less likely to seek professional help than women. They put on a brave face to the world while their inner world is crumbling. The “must be strong” ethos teaches that men who seek help are weak, vulnerable and incompetent.
Because men are less likely to do the emotional groundwork to prepare for separation, it seeps into their interactions with women. I say the self is always coming through. Whatever you feel internally, women pick up on it instinctively.
The broken spirit and beaten down demeanor can make it hard for a woman to connect to the recently divorced men emotionally and sexually. They’ve temporarily lost that masculine confidence and swag it takes to woo a woman to fall in love with you.
Embarrassment about their divorce
There is also a lot of awkwardness about how open he should be about his divorce to other women he meets. Whether or not he should admit how much emotional pain he is feeling. Or if he should just keep it to himself and pretend that everything is okay.
This awkwardness creates incongruent communication. This is when your thoughts, feelings and behaviors don’t align. So the woman you're dating can pick up that something is right about your vibe. She might feel like you are lying, being dishonest or simply just not feel safe and trusting around you.
Divorced men can take rejection harder
Rejection is part and parcel of dating. If you are not getting rejected, you are not trying hard enough, that’s what I say. (And that goes for just about anything in life).
A recently divorced man has probably been in a passionless and sexless marriage for a long time where he wasn’t getting validation or meeting his emotional and sexual needs. So when he is free to meet new women, he might be a little too eager and push too soon.
If a woman declines his advances on the first date, he is more likely to take it personally rather than thinking about her needs for psychological safety and emotional tension.
Women find mature men sexy
But it’s not all doom and gloom…
Studies have shown that women reach their peak desirability around age 18 but men peak at age 50. The more status the man has built for himself the better because that is absolutely essential for attracting women as an older man.
A mature man typically has more money, power, life experience, and is better able to care for children and a family than a younger, more immature man.
Look at men like George Clooney, David Beckham, Denzel Washington and Simon Cowell. They are all living proof that the best is yet to come in terms of your attractiveness and desirability.
But that doesn’t mean she is going to be attracted to a man who is developing a big gut, blames his ex-wife for his misery and has very little going on in his life. Being attractive is an active process… it just means you can be attractive to women at any age if you are willing to put the effort in.
I am going to show you how to date after divorce for men who feel they have no hope. So you can turn a gut-wrenching setback into a personal growth machine and begin to attract beautiful women into your life and maybe even a new partner (if you are ready).
How to Date After Divorce for Men
Let’s be honest, dating after divorce for a man is always harder than it is for a woman. There is always some guy ready to jump into bed or a relationship with a woman no matter what she looks like. But for a man, we’ve got to put a lot of effort in to get the same interest from women.
And I know dating after divorce for a man can be daunting because you don’t know what to do or where to start. But listen up men, relationships after divorce are possible and there are tons of sweet, intelligent and very attractive women waiting to meet you.
Here’s how to get your mojo back and attract them;
Work on your issues
The best investment you will ever make in yourself is therapy. A divorce, no matter how it ends, is going to take an emotional toll on you. It might damage your self-image, your confidence or your trust in women and people in general. If you are holding onto any resentment towards women in general or your ex-wife then work on it with a therapist.
You don’t want heavy emotional baggage seeping into your dates with new women. You want clean, fresh, positive energy that is fun and light to be around.
It is normal to put on an extra few pounds during your divorce. The stress spikes your blood pressure. You find it harder to switch off at night. Your anxiety is through the roof. You're grieving the loss of the family life you worked so hard to build. This all takes a toll on your physical health.
As an older man, it is more essential than ever to keep yourself in good shape. Hire a personal trainer, take yoga classes, join a hiking club or take up a sport. If you want to be the handsome, sexy, silver fox she can’t keep her hands off then it’s time to get into the best physical shape of your life.
Be social with women
You know one of the things that made my friend Andrew transform his life was because his expectations were so low. He thought he would never have sex again in his life. So just talking to women and knowing they were giving him the time of day meant so much to him.
He started chatting to more women here and there - in bars and clubs, at his local salsa classes, online and in coffee shops. He did what he could to be more social. The validation he was receiving was a huge boost to his confidence and pretty soon he was getting very obvious signs from the woman who wanted to take things further.
His secret? Focus less on trying to get women into bed and more on building a great life and having friendly, social, flirty conversations with more women. Watch your confidence soar and with that watch more women naturally gravitate to you.
Enjoy hooking up
Being single and hooking up with a variety of different women can be thrilling, exciting and healing when done the right way. You don’t need to jump straight into a relationship nor do you need to stay alone and depressed until you are ready for another long-term, serious relationship either.
Studies have shown that hooking has its upsides. The desire for human contact and the desire to be validated that you are still an attractive, desirable person are all needs that shouldn't be ignored.
Take the time to grieve your loss. Reflect on what went wrong and what you will need to have a healthier love life in the future. And realize that the best is yet to come for you if you choose to turn a major setback in your life into an opportunity for massive personal growth.