Want to know how to be a better lover for casual encounters, short-term flings, or your long-term girlfriend or spouse? There’s a lot of pressure on men and women to “perform” in bed (thanks, porn). Couple that with the fact that we never get taught how to be a great lover, and that men like to “fix” things on their own, and you’re left with a lot of men who are either:
- Clueless to the fact that they are terrible, selfish lovers
- Concerned about being a sub-par lover, but not really sure what to do about it
So, if you want to be a better lover, I’m here to tell you it’s not about trying a new sex position or “spicing” things up. Most of the time it’s a lot simpler than that, and it all starts way before you get to the bedroom.
Why You Should Learn How to Be a Better Lover
Because you get to enjoy better sex!
If you’re a better lover, then the sex you have is by default going to be more pleasurable and fulfilling, and that leads to more sex. So if you want to have better sex more frequently, then spend time learning to be a better lover and understand how to truly satisfy a woman in and out of the bedroom.
Because women equate sexual satisfaction with relationship satisfaction
Studies have found that for women, sexual satisfaction is frequently associated with relationship satisfaction, happiness, and quality of life. In other words, if a woman is sexually satisfied, then she’s likely to be happier (in general) and feel more satisfied and fulfilled in her relationship.
Because regular sex is good for you!
When you’re good at sex, women will want to have sex more often with you. On its own, that’s a win. But aside from that, regular sex brings a heap of health benefits with it, including, lower blood pressure, a better immune system, improved self-esteem, reduced depression and anxiety, better sleep, and much more.
Being a better lover = being a better man
Learning how to be a better lover not only means better sex for both parties involved but, if you’re in a relationship, it also helps to strengthen your connection. Being a better lover is about so much more than just sex (more on that shortly) so mastering this will help you be an all-around better partner and better man.
How to Be a Better Lover
First, connect with yourself
A lot of us learn to feel shame around our sexual organs, the act of sex, and even our bodies in general. But being a better lover is about connecting in a meaningful way with someone, and to do that, you have to first develop a deep, meaningful connection with yourself, your sexuality, and pleasure.
That means having a self-pleasure practice where you learn more about your body, and explore your turn-ons. But do monitor how much you’re masturbating. Doing this a healthy amount is great, but too much, and you can desensitize yourself and make it harder to experience pleasure during sex.
Change the way you view women, sex and pleasure
Unfortunately, we live in a society where a lot of boys learn really toxic things about women, sex, and consent. One of the main culprits is porn. More specifically, degrading, misogynistic, and/or violent pornography that has been created by men, for men, and completely disregards female pleasure.
Women are not sex objects, and sex does not exist solely for a man’s pleasure. Once you fully embrace this idea, it will transform how you view women and sex and how you show up in and out of the bedroom. If you know you are someone who tends to be selfish in bed and only focuses on getting yours, this can help a lot. And being selfless in bed is one of the best ways to be a better lover.
Recognize that good sex begins outside the bedroom for women
For women, foreplay and sex begin way before you get into bed. Women need to feel turned on in their brains, and usually, this happens through intimacy, which is not the same as sex!
Being intimate means connecting on an emotional and physical level. Being able to be vulnerable, open up, and have deeper conversations. Sharing, bonding, bantering, and cuddling. A study by Your Sexual Medicine Journal found that women are more likely to become aroused from emotional reactions to their partners. This is why going on dates and romance are important prerequisites to good sex.
Communication is an essential foundation for good sex and a healthy relationship. Working on your communication skills and learning to talk more about less daunting things will help you build towards talking about sex and intimacy. If you don’t talk to each other about it, then you won’t know what each other wants, what feels good at the moment and what doesn’t, or boundaries that you need to respect. Open up a dialogue with your partner about what triggers your sexual desires, your most memorable sexual experiences, or what you both want more or less of in bed.
If you need help, consider working with a sex therapist.
Set boundaries together (and respect them)
With communication comes boundaries. Every healthy interaction, encounter, or relationship needs boundaries. A boundary is a limit or a deal-breaker - something that you do not want to do or will not tolerate. When we take time to know what our boundaries are, communicate them to our partner, and respect them, sex feels safer, it takes the pressure off, and everyone feels better. Always ask a woman what her boundaries are before you have sex, even if it’s just one night of casual fun. Even the act of you asking her this will set you apart from a lot of men.
Listen to her
Want to know how to be a better lover?
Listen to her.
Women will tell you what they like and don’t like, either verbally or through their body language. For example, if she moves your hand from one part of her body to another, it’s because she isn’t loving what you’re doing right now and would prefer you to touch her here, or not touch her at all. Or if she is moaning or sighing (in a good way) that means she is probably enjoying what you’re doing (unless she is in the habit of faking it).
When in doubt, communicate. Ask her if something feels good, if this feels better, or if she wants it slower or faster, etc.
Be more present
We all have a lot on our minds, and this means that when we’re in one place doing a certain thing, our minds might be someplace else. This can happen during sex, too. But being present allows you to fully be in the moment and experience with your lover, and appreciate her deeply. So next time you find your mind drifting off, gently bring it back to her and the moment you’re in.
Focus on your five senses: what can you see, hear, taste, smell, and feel?
Don’t make orgasming the end goal
Again, porn focuses on orgasms and makes it seem like male penetration and orgasm are the end goals of sex. But they’re not. Plus, a lot of women cannot climax from vaginal penetration alone and will usually require clitoral stimulation and feel physically connected to you. So pumping harder and faster is not going to cut it.
If you want to be a better lover, the next time you have sex, take the big O off the table. Focus on enjoying each other’s bodies, exploring them, kissing, caressing, massaging, sucking, and maybe even masturbating together. Slow everything down and savor each other’s bodies. Give her so much attention that she orgasms before you even have sex.
Stop if you need to
The final thing to remember if you want to be a better lover is to regularly pay attention to how your partner feels and make sure she still looks present and is enjoying what you’re doing together.
If you’re ever in doubt, or she looks uncomfortable, unenthusiastic, upset, in pain, or a little spaced out, stop what you’re doing and ask her if she’s okay. And if she ever tells you to stop at any point, immediately stop what you’re doing. This is basic when it comes to consent and respect.