The Ultimate Dating and Relationship Guide for INFJ Men

An INFJ man typing on his laptop

Of the 16 personality types, INFJ people are thought to make up just 1% of our population across the world. That makes INFJ men incredibly rare, representing around one in every 200 men. It’s a very rare type and one that appeals to a lot of women.

Like all personality types, it does come with a few drawbacks of its own but nothing we can’t navigate easily. In this article, I’m going to walk you through the basics of what it means to be an INFJ man, how to meet women and some simple dating tips.

By the end, you’ll have a list of actionable tips you can start putting into practice today to make for a better, more exciting dating life.

Traits of INFJ Men

In case you’re not familiar with the acronym, INFJ stands for Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling and Judging personality traits. Also referred to as the “Advocate” personality type, this is one of the 16 personality types defined by the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) system.

You can click the link above for a full breakdown of how the MBTI classifications work. To give you some context though, it’s made up of four major sections. Within these, you’re classified as one of two things in each section.

Favorite world: Extraversion (E) or Introversion (I)

Information: Sensing (S) or Intuition (N)

Decisions: Thinking (T) or Feeling (F)

Structure: Judging (J) or Perceiving (P)

With this info, “INFJ” makes more sense. You’re more introverted than extroverted; more intuitive than sensing and so on.

What this means in your day to day life is that, generally speaking, most of these traits will apply to you:

  • You need a certain amount of alone time to recharge
  • You don’t readily conform, preferring to be unique
  • You’re fiercely independent
  • You’re sensitive and caring 
  • You frequently work on yourself, improving your emotional intelligence
  • You prefer committed relationships over casual ones

Of course, there’s far more that goes into each of the MBTI classifications but this gives you a general gist of what it means. All in all, the rarity of INFJ men means you’re viewed by many as being special and an ideal makeup for friendship and relationships.

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INFJ Dating Tips

As I touched on earlier, each of the 16 MBTI types comes with their own list of positives and negatives — a pretty even trade-off across the board. Learning to leverage your strengths and manage your weaknesses will make a huge difference to your dating life overall. Particularly in a long-term relationship where communication and conflict are inevitable. To help you recognize and work on these factors, here’s a simple INFJ dating guide — five specific things to incorporate into your next date.

Be mindful of your tendency to shut down

He doesn't want to talk about something with his girlfriend

As an INFJ man, your natural reaction is to withdraw from conflict or other difficult situations. To take some alone time and work through it yourself before returning to normal.

Although this might work for you in other areas of your life, it’ll become a strong hindrance to your dating endeavors. Particularly if you’re dating women who are more forward, open and extroverted, your withdrawal can create a host of problems.

Not least of which, equal parts confusion and frustration.

  • “Why is he shutting me out?”
  • “Did I do something wrong? I really can’t tell.”
  • “I wish he would just talk to me.”

It won’t come naturally to you but make a conscious effort to start communicating rather than just withdrawing. This way, at the very least, your partner can be kept in the loop and know why you’re acting the way you are.

If spoken communication is intimidating, leverage other methods instead

Thanks to the Introvert part of INFJ, clear and open communication about difficult topics can be hard. Even harder than it is for most people.

Getting comfortable talking to your partner is something you should definitely work on as a long-term goal. I get it though, that’s not the easiest task to go for straight off the bat. What you can do in the meantime is make use of other forms of communication.

While it’s not ideal, your partner will always prefer a hand-written letter, email or text message over days of radio silence. You can start with short, simple text messages to communicate what you’re working through and improve from there.

If you’re really struggling to communicate, something like a simple “hey, I’m just dealing with some family things right now and need some alone time to figure it out” is an excellent start. Just make sure the reason you give is genuine, of course.

At least when she has this information, she isn’t left wondering what the problem is or if she’s to blame. To her, seeing you suddenly withdraw feels a lot like getting a “we need to talk tonight” message at 8 am — she’s left with a feeling of stress and dread until she finds out what’s going on.

Don’t let your intuitive nature lead to bold assumptions

A man assuming his date is having a bad time

INFJs are very intuitive, often knowing something about your date without necessarily knowing why you know it. Sometimes it’s a subtle shift in body language or conversation topic. You know something is off but you don’t know exactly what’s giving you that feeling.

In day-to-day life, this intuition is (mostly) a great thing and lets you better connect with those around you. The downside is that it can lead to sweeping assumptions based on just a feeling. If you get that assumption wrong, which you will at some point, it can lead to total disaster.

Maybe you’ve clued into the fact she’s looking at her phone or the clock more than usual. It’d be easy to make the assumption that she’s having a bad time and looking for an out. For all you know, she’s dealing with a sick family member or something else that’s too personal to discuss on a first date.

So, rather than assuming she’s having a bad time and trying to “fix” it or end the date early, talk to her! You’d be surprised how well received a genuine conversation is, even in the early stages of dating.

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You’ll find it easier to date compatible personality types

There's an entire study about which MBTI personality type you would be compatible with. But I don’t want you to go out there and pigeonhole yourself as someone who only dates specific MBTI types. What you can do though is use these as a temporary stepping stone while you adjust your dating habits.

Since you’ll naturally gel better with fellow introverts, for example, it can take some of the pressure off while you learn. The four personality types you can look for are:

ISFJ - Introversion, Sensing, Feeling, Judging

INFP - Introversion, Intuition, Feeling, Perceiving

ENFJ - Extraversion, Intuition, Feeling, Judging

INFJ - Introversion, Intuition, Feeling, Judging

By sticking (temporarily!) to these personalities, you’re giving yourself a more familiar environment while you continue working on yourself. Just don’t let it become a long-term choice.

Stop identifying yourself by your INFJ classification

MBTI personality types are helpful for better understanding the personalities around us. It can also help us learn to better interact with different personalities and even improve ourselves.

The thing is, they were only ever intended as loose guides. There’s no way all 7.9 billion people on this planet all fit perfectly into one of 16 categories based on a single test.

By all means, get familiar with what an INFJ man is, just don’t let those four letters define you. Don’t start emulating the traits you’ve read about that personality or you’re headed for a difficult path. You’re a complex guy with your own unique history, experiences and preferences, not just four letters on a test result.

Don’t lean on your classification as an INFJ man as an excuse

An extension of that point, make sure you’re not leaning on your personality type as an excuse for your actions. “Sorry, I’m INFJ so I don’t like to communicate” is never okay.

Being aware of flaws and working on them is one thing. Being okay with those flaws and forcing others to deal with them because “MBTI says this is just how I am” is a dangerous way of thinking.

How to Meet a Girl If You Are Shy

He's overcoming his shyness on his date

Last but not least, let’s take a look at a few simple tips for meeting a girl if you’re shy. Meeting women while you’re out and about is something you’re probably not comfortable with at all, and that’s okay.

It is something you should work on whether you want to start a serious relationship or keep it casual. Again, that’s a long journey that’ll take some effort. In the meantime, here are three easy ways to meet a woman if you’re a shy guy.

Online dating

The easiest of them all, dating apps and websites give you access to a seemingly endless number of women in your area. This allows you to meet far more women and calms the nerves a little by getting to know them briefly through dating app messages before you meet.

I find this to be the most effective for shy men because it removes so many of the things you might be anxious about. Will she be into me? Do we get along? These types of questions tend to disappear by the time you’ve actually set up a date.

Single woman

Take up a new sport or hobby with a friend

The other option is to take up some kind of new activity that puts you in contact with a lot more people. By signing up with a friend, you have a social safety blanket that lets you get comfortable in this new environment. (Check out Meetup.com for a range of groups in your city).

Not only do group sports and hobbies put you in touch with a lot of new people, but you also have a shared interest. This type of environment is by far the easiest way to start a conversation in person.

You literally just have to ask her a question related to what you’re both doing. Say you join a beginner’s mountain bike group for example. A simple “hey, what’s that computer on your handlebars?” is a very simple, safe question.

If the two of you get along, you have a reason to be in regular contact through this shared interest. You can always ask for her number and invite her to go for a ride together some time. This is all about lowering the barrier here and making it easier to meet and date people.

Push yourself and broaden your options

This is an important point to wrap up my advice on INFJ dating. As an introvert, you’ll get a sense of comfort and safety in familiar surroundings and that's absolutely fine. Just be aware that this tendency can be incredibly limiting if you allow it to be.

There are so many great places to meet girls, the hardest part is putting yourself out there. For example, if you look at Meetup and can’t find a single thing that you want to attend, I have some bad news. It’s not that you’ll hate every single one of the infinite options on that site, it’s that you’re refusing new things.

Not only will that keep you at home and push you to become even more introverted, but it’s also costing you opportunities. Short of online dating, nobody ever met a woman by sitting on their couch with no intentions of stepping outside.

Push your comfort zones, try new things. I’ve been through this process myself and I can assure you that while taking the first step was hard, life is so much better now. You owe it to yourself to be the best version of you that you can be.

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