Every day, thousands of guys wonder how to get out of the friend zone. Is it even possible?”
The good news is that you can actually turn a female friend into a lover. The bad news is that it’s everything but easy. Unfortunately, on the internet, there’s a lot of bad information about it, often written by people who aren’t competent in the subject matter.
Don’t worry: We’ve got the right advice! This article aims to bust some myths about escaping the friend zone, and covers 8 techniques that truly work.
Getting trapped in the friend zone is never fun—your crush gets everything she wants out of your platonic relationship, but you find yourself empty-handed. A recent study has shown that this is a mostly male problem since men are attracted to opposite-sex friends more often than women.
Here are eight tips you can put into practice right now to escape the friend zone once and for all:
When you feel like you’re stuck in the friend zone, it’s easy to fall into the trap of acting like a “pretend boyfriend”. This could mean that you buy flowers and pay for expensive dinners for your crush. Or you’re always available to drive her to social events and fix things in her house.
It’s not true that the more you’re being nice to a woman, the more she’s going to be attracted to you. Instead, the situation we described above might lead to her taking advantage of you. Why would she commit to a “real” relationship, when she can have all the perks of having a boyfriend while still being single?
The dating expert Jack Vitel from Road to Solidity advises that you make a “clean break” with your crush. This means no more calls, texts and social media interactions for a while.
According to Vitel, this kind of behavior “is crucial to create a clean break between the former picture of you (a friend) and the new picture you want to create (a potential lover).” In other words, if she has no contact with you for a while, chances are that she’ll start seeing you in a different way when you’ll return.
“It’s always easier to bed a girl you just met than a girl who sees you as just a friend”, continues Vitel. “That’s the reason why you’re going to make sure that your friend isn’t your friend anymore.”
Additionally, acting a little distant is a powerful tool to seduce the girl you like. Jeremy Nicholson, a doctor of social and personality psychology, wrote on Psychology Today that “those who are more willing to walk away have the power to guide the relationship.”
Plenty of websites tell you that you should build a friendship before dating. However, this isn’t necessarily true: Becoming your crush’s bestie might trap you into the friend zone!
Women are attracted by unpredictable lovers, not by the best friend who’s always there for them. Now, the scientists know the exact reason behind this phenomenon: A study has shown that unpredictability stimulates the reward center in the brain.
“If you want to spike your lover’s dopamine levels, then only show up at random, unpredictable intervals”, writes professor Susan Krauss Whitbourne on Psychology Today.
Additionally, make it clear right from the start that you’re interested in dating the woman, not in friendship. Rejection might hurt if she isn’t okay with that. But you’ll be able to learn her intentions sooner and move on to another woman.
Other websites recommend that you make your crush jealous, so she’ll understand how she truly feels about you. However, this technique might get you in a lot of trouble.
“You can use jealousy to move women out of disinterest and into interest, and even ramp things up to the point where girls are chasing you,” says the dating expert Chase Amante. “But you must be aware that making a girl jealous is playing with fire—and overdoing it means there's a very good chance you might end up getting burned.”
On the other hand, keep in mind that dating other women is fine until you know for sure that she likes you back. Actually, it could be a very good move since it eases the pressure when the woman you like is giving you mixed signals. If you find out that she isn’t interested, you already have other options available!
Plus, according to Harris O’Malley, a dating coach who writes under the pseudonym Dr. NerdLove, seeing other people might help your crush to realize “that you clearly have something going for you if all of these other women find you attractive.”
What differentiates a friend from a lover is, you guessed it, sexual tension. The sooner you start creating it with the woman of your dreams, the sooner she’ll start considering a relationship with you rather than just a friendship.
The most effective way to do this is using the technique called “kino escalation”. Since she’s already a friend of yours, she’s probably used to casual touch from you, like giving high fives and pats on the shoulders. Start doing it more often than usual, to see how she reacts.
When you see that she reacts positively to friendly touch, turn that pat on the shoulder into something sexier. You might caress her back, hold her hand or brush her hair away from her face. Then, pay attention to how she reacts. If she seems happy with you touching her in a sexy way, escalate things further until you’re ready to kiss her.
You can also create sexual tension with your words. Use sexual innuendos or have her talk about her past sexual experiences. Anything goes, as long as it’s fun, lighthearted and not excessively vulgar.
No matter how hard you try, some women will never see you as more than a friend. And that’s okay! The reason is not necessarily you: Maybe she doesn’t want to risk losing your friendship if things don’t work out between you.
Also, if she tells you clearly that she isn’t interested in turning your friendship into a romantic relationship, move on! Don’t make the mistake of waiting for years until she realizes how much she’s in love with you because it might never happen! In the meantime, you’ll be missing out on hundreds of other women who could be a perfect match for you.
On the other hand, when she makes it clear that she sees you as just a friend, stop flirting with her. Don’t try to bully her into a relationship: Even if you get her to say “yes”, things won’t eventually work.
Try to not act resentful if she puts you in the friend zone. Stop seeing or texting her if you need to without feeling ashamed. You can even end the friendship if you really can’t stand seeing her with other guys.
Start going to the gym, lose those excess pounds and renew your wardrobe. Work on your self-esteem by practicing meditation or yoga. Start new hobbies. Only, do it for yourself, not to attract the woman who just pushed you into the friend zone!
If your crush notices your changes, she will start seeing you in a different light. She might even become attracted to you. Otherwise, since you’re more confident and better looking, it will be much easier to find another partner. Either way, you win!
We could talk about how to get out of the friend zone for hours. But you’ll never reach your goals if you never work up the courage to ask your crush out. We’re not talking about inviting her to hang out with mutual friends—you probably already do. We’re talking about a real date, only you and her.
Avoid using the word “date” as it might put too much pressure on the woman. Kyle Ingham, the founder of the men’s lifestyle website The Distilled Man, says that “It’s like if you went to a car lot and the salesperson said, ‘Hey, do you want to buy a car…from ME? Can I be your salesman?’ You’d be creeped out. Much better if he casually said, ‘Hey, I’m Jim, do you want to do a test drive?’”
Also, make sure that you have a plan ready. Propose a specific activity and place, saying something like “Hey, would you like to grab a bite at Buddy’s Pizza later this week?” Women like men who are assertive, not the ones who ask them, “where do you wanna go tonight, baby?”
This is everything you need to know about how to get out of the friend zone. Play your cards wisely and your crush might soon be your date!