Sometimes a relationship can seem to tick all the boxes. You both laugh together, think alike, and enjoy each and every moment. Everything seems perfect, at least on paper. However, if you don’t feel the spark, or the attraction just isn’t quite there, then there really isn’t much to be done about it. Sadly, It just might not be the right person for you.
Naturally, you probably want to take a bit of a deeper look into that before you make any permanent decisions. So, what are the steps to take, or elements to look at, when pondering on how to know if someone is not right for you?
In dating, you’ll run into this over and over again. Somebody will have aspects to them you really like, and in time you’ll learn to see the qualities you really care about. When you feel like you’ve found all of that in somebody, and the spark is there, latch on. Until then, here’s how to navigate around who’s right for you, and who’s just not the one.
How to Know if Someone is Not Right for You
Do you feel butterflies around this person, or do you find that you just enjoy their company? How about your sex life, is it amazing, or leaving something to be desired? Can you truly see yourself with this person forever, or do they have expectations you just can’t match? Maybe the only thing wrong is that you aren’t ready to commit to one person forever.
That’s entirely natural, and a totally valid reason to end a relationship. You might be new to the dating world, and it’s normal to want to experience a few people in your life. It isn’t fair to lead them on, so don’t drag it out.
That said, make sure you are sure about what you are doing too. We all get doubts, even the happiest and longest-lasting of couples. That’s normal too. The difference is whether you constantly feel this looming in your mind, or if it’s just a fleeting thought during times of stress in the relationship.
There are a few key and crucial pillars that need to align for a relationship to be long-lasting. Without having similar opinions and desires in these areas, a relationship will require far more compromise and effort to last, and sometimes, it just isn’t worth it.
Is your sex life fulfilling?
A healthy and varied sex life is super crucial to a relationship's success. In fact, bad sex, or even a lack of sex, leads to a higher divorce rate. You should also be similarly kinky to one another! If she is begging for you to tie her up, and you just want to do basic missionary, you should give her what she wants, or move on.
Sex bonds us to our partners with a level of intimacy like no other action can. It improves both partners' confidence in each other, themselves, and the relationship. It’s one of the most primal ways to express love and enjoy each other.
Do you both have similar views when it comes to sex, or similar desires when it comes to frequency? Even if you like it every day, and she likes it slightly less, a relationship can work well. However, if the difference is drastic, that can lead to self-confidence issues and pent-up stress.
There are plenty of people out there in the world for you, and you deserve to find somebody who genuinely makes you feel attractive, or wants sex as much as you.
Do you envision similar lives?
It’s all good and well to be madly in love, but do you both imagine the same future? Do you both have different tastes in interior decoration? Perhaps you want nothing more than to live in a luxury high-rise apartment, surrounded by the hustle and bustle of a living and breathing city. Maybe she’s more of a farm girl and loves old cottage-style houses with antique furnishings. One of the best ways to know if someone is not right for you.
Clearly, there’s a bit of an issue here. Will you be happy compromising on your vision of your future home? Do you expect her to compromise for you? The home is a haven where both partners should be comfortable. If you both don’t have similar ideas, that’s the first red flag.
Was there ever a spark?
How to tell if someone isn’t right for you…There’s no spark.
It’s one thing to lose a spark, but was there ever a spark to begin with? You could try kindling one, but it shouldn’t feel forced. If you simply don’t feel that infatuation in the beginning, even though it often fades later, you may feel upset at never having experienced it.
Plus, who says a spark ever has to fade? A small flame can become a bonfire with enough care. A 2011 study conducted at Stony Brook University in New York state found that it is possible to be madly in love with someone after decades of marriage. There’s no reason to end up trapped in a relationship that isn’t totally fulfilling just because many other aspects are great. We have one life, go out and find the love your heart is craving.
You might think that because you enjoy similar things, it should be greatly considered when deciding on whether to end things or not. However, studies have found that love isn’t so predictable, with people having different interests being able to have love just as strong, or stronger, than those with similar ones.
Are your social views similar?
You may be as liberal as they come, yet feel totally smitten with your conservative-leaning girlfriend. There’s nothing wrong with having a difference in opinion on some matters, but if you find yourselves arguing a lot about social or political opinions, you may be better off finding somebody who’s more in line with your train of thought. There is often a greater dissatisfaction rate in relationships between those of two political opinions.
Don’t forget, if you or she doesn’t believe in abortions, or has different views on gun ownership, this could present a massive problem later on in life. Another question within this realm is your view on your role in society and your goals. If you want to be an entrepreneur, you need somebody supporting you the entire way, not somebody opposed to the idea of capitalism. When looking at how to know if someone is not right for you, different political opinions are often major contenders in terms of reasons to end things.
Do you both want the same number of kids or any?
Perhaps you see yourself as a family man with three kids, or maybe your partner is a woman that just doesn’t want the burden of kids, or has no desire to have any of them. More U.S. adults expect not to have kids than ever before. Both of these are perfectly valid, but they just don’t work together.
One of you would have to end up compromising, and a person who wants no kids should not have to have kids. On the other end of the same coin, wanting kids and having none could lead to deep regret and sadness later on in life. When somebody isn’t right for you, they aren’t right for you, no matter how much it might hurt.
Think about your life, and yourself as an older person. At the end of the day, the last thing you want is to hurt and cause regret in the person you love most. If that means letting them find life, love, and a family with somebody else, then let them go.
Your relationship isn’t a priority
How much do you really care about the relationship? Would you do anything to save it, and do you check up to see if everything is ok? Do you still get her flowers, or did you ever even feel the urge, to begin with?
There is a massive difference between being with somebody because it’s fun, convenient, and easy, as opposed to, being with somebody you can’t imagine being without. Can you honestly say you are a priority in her mind, does she have that level of respect for you?
If you don’t honestly feel like a priority, or you don’t feel like your partner is one to you, then end things now before they get messier later on.
You can’t stop thinking about others
Is this your first, second, or even third relationship? You might not yet be ready to commit to one person. You will likely regret having never had the experiences you feel you are missing out on. Your partner also doesn’t deserve to have this going on behind the scenes.
Do both of you a favor, and end it. You should spend a little time experimenting with people and getting to know yourself. There are tons of great dating apps where you can easily meet people like yourself, or simply find those looking to hook up.
What are the odds that you can go a lifetime with this person without ever experiencing anyone else ever again? If you feel uncertain, that could be an issue. When someone isn’t right for you, you may naturally start looking around at others. It’s normal to look a little, but there is a line. Don't hold on and hurt them down the line, nobody deserves to be cheated on. It’s ok to want to experience others, let your partner move on from you.
What to Do When Someone Isn’t Right for You
If you’ve come to realize that your partner just isn’t right for you, or it’s a case of the right person at the wrong time, it’s time to let them go. Do this caringly, they are someone that you have deep feelings for after all, and it’s going to be difficult no matter what you do.
It’s time to start planning and prepping for how you’ll let them down easy, and be there to help them understand when you initially go through with it. After that, some distance would be best. You don’t want to be guilt-tripped back into a relationship you don’t want to be in.
How to plan the breakup
Your partner deserves a proper and clean breakup, don’t let them think there’s any hope or they’ll hold onto that and hurt for far longer. Make it clear, firmly but nicely, that it’s over. This could be devastating initially but believe that they will get over you. Somebody shiny and new will come along.
Do it in person, have some guts. They deserve more than a text. This will also make it easier later on down the line should you have to break up with another partner. It’s also just a respectable thing to do, you don’t want to end up hating yourself.
Go through with the breakup
So we know how to tell if someone isn't right for you, and we know this is what we want.
Do not back out, this is what you need. You have to do this for yourself, don’t drag it out either. Get them to meet you for a small coffee, or somewhere you can have some privacy, and explain that you simply think the relationship just isn’t for you, and you are breaking up.
Answer their questions and be there for them for a bit, but after that, leave. Don’t hang around, especially if they are manipulative. This is also about you. It’s going to be hard, but growing as a person will be hard, and it’s far easier than a messy divorce.
Tell their friends
You aren’t their support system anymore, and that isn’t good for you post-breakup. Their friends and family need to support them. You are already going to struggle emotionally, and despite what they tell you, you don’t owe them more than a proper breakup. You need to think about yourself now, and your own mental health. You can’t carry both pains. Knowing how to tell if someone isn't right for you isn’t always easy, sometimes you’ll doubt yourself, and just have to trust your gut.