You’re talking to this girl you approached at a bar or met through your friend group. You’re telling each other about yourselves and things are going great. Then you think it’s time to get to know her better. You try to come up with the things to ask a girl you just met, and then...
“My mind goes blank! I just can’t think of anything to say. It’s like I go into panic mode and the conversation just gets awkward!” Does this sound familiar?
Let’s be honest, when you are talking to a girl who is super attractive for the first time, it’s very easy for anxiety to get the better of you. You want to make a great first impression, you want her to like you but you just can’t find the words. The harder you try, the more awkward it gets. The moment just slips away and you are kicking yourself because you know you didn’t show your best self.
Knowing the right things to ask a girl you just met is crucial to helping you stay calm, relaxed and get over the few minutes of awkwardness.
As a Life Coach, I know how powerful questions can be for putting people into emotional states. Benjamin Disraeli, former UK prime minister, also knew how questions can be used as a tool to elicit emotional states.
A woman who dined with Benjamin Disraeli and his political rival William Gladstone was asked about her impressions of both men. She said; “When I left the dining room after sitting next to Mr.Gladstone, I thought he was the cleverest man in England. But after sitting next to Mr. Disraeli, I thought I was the cleverest woman in England.”
We all know people who exude charm and charisma. They boast about their brilliance and try to influence people by being impressive. Though a man who can ask the right questions to draw out the best in a woman will be far more successful in getting her attention and affection in the long run.
The counter-intuitive truth about being liked is: The better you can make someone feel about themselves when they are around you, the more they will like you and want to spend more time around you.
It is far more effective to put the limelight on her, get curious about who she is and what is important to her, rather than trying to be impressive, funny, nice or interesting.
Knowing the best questions to ask a woman you just met, will put you head and shoulders above all the other extrovert guys who ignorantly think they will win her over by boasting.
Reasons to Come Up with Questions to Ask a Girl You Just Met
Showing a person that you are genuinely interested in who they are, is crucial to gaining their trust. It will feel like a breath of fresh air in comparison to the liars, seducers and manipulators who are just out for themselves.
Questions create deep connections with a woman you just met
Women can sense genuine curiosity from another person. Asking the right questions will help her relax and she will feel more comfortable opening up to you emotionally. When she is sharing her opinion, personal stories, values and vulnerabilities you are moving beyond polite small talk and actually building a meaningful connection.
Questions take the pressure off you
Asking questions about her puts you in the present moment. As you get curious about her, your mind drifts away from worrying about what to say next or worrying whether she likes you. The pressure is off your shoulders as you move your intention from making a great first impression to actually getting to know her.
Curiosity is sexy
Giacomo Casanova said that “love is ¾ curiosity”. Displaying curiosity is the quickest way to create an intense connection between you and a woman. When you are curious about her, you will know the right things to ask a girl you just met, naturally.
Attraction for men and women works differently. The main difference is it takes time for a woman to be turned on by a man, whereas a man can be turned on in an instant. Women are mostly attuned to behavioral traits when screening for a romantic partner. So, it takes time for her to assess these traits and feel attracted.
More importantly though, is that a woman needs to feel trust, comfort and connection before she will open herself up sexually to a man who’s practically a stranger. That is why it is important to have a unique set of questions to ask a girl you just met in your conversational arsenal. These questions will create enough trust and comfort so that she can open up and show romantic interest in you.
As an added bonus, when you are the one asking the questions, it makes you seem more confident. You are the one setting the tone and leading the interaction. It sets the frame that you are the buyer and she is the seller. She is the one trying to gain your validation rather than the other way around.
Our Favorite Things to Ask a Girl We Just Met
I was in the gym the other day and I noticed a Brazilian girl checking out a group of guys. She obviously became a little self-conscious in front of all the guys and dropped her bottle of water. Like a light, one guy jumps up and picks it up for her.
Him: “Where are you from?” he asked excitedly
Him: “Oh wow, nice place”
(Another more awkward pause)
Him: “What do you do?” he blurts out in panic mode.
Her: “I’m a lawyer”.
Him: “Civil or Criminal?”
(It’s now getting so awkward that I feel awkward just watching).
The guy yawns, flexes his muscles, looks awkwardly around the room and says “Well, it was nice meeting you, I better get going”.
The sad thing was that the girl was into the guy. She checked him out a few times before the conversation. She held eye contact with him, lingered in his space, smiled and engaged him with her body language.
Now if you are ever in a situation like this, I wanted to make sure you know exactly what questions to ask a woman you just met so you can easily set up a second date without any resistance.
Rule #1 when asking a girl you just met a question: keep it open-ended
The biggest mistake this guy made was asking closed questions and showing no curiosity about her personality.
When you are speaking to a woman you just met, she is going to feel nervous and anxious, even if she likes you. There are certain things to ask a girl you just met that will make her feel at ease and open to you…
Open-ended questions will encourage her to share more about herself with you. Closed questions and statements will draw out short answers, which puts more pressure on you to ask another question until you can’t think of any more questions to ask. Then the conversation starts feeling uncomfortable and awkward.
The burden of initiating and leading the conversation is on the man. He must navigate her nervousness with calm, poise and confidence. You need to show her that you’re a good conversationalist. That is why it is so important to know the right things to ask a girl you just met.
How to ask open-ended questions
When she told the guy she was from Brazil, the guy completely ignored what was probably the most important decision she ever made in her life, “Oh wow, nice place” he said. He completely skipped over her motivations, emotions and personal traits needed to make such a move.
Instead, he could have asked, “What brings you to the city?” This will draw out a longer response. It will encourage her to share more about what she does and what her current motivations are.
He could have then followed up and said something like “This city must be so different from Brazil. How are you liking it?” This is another opportunity for her to open up emotionally and share more about herself with you. She could also mention who she’s with or if she’s single.
Literally anything she says can be a jumping-off point. If she tells you her job, ask about that (e.g. “Oh, what firm?”, “Have you been working there for long?”, etc.). You can also use this information to make assumptions posed as questions (e.g. “You’ve been working out hard. Stressful day at the firm?”).
Open-ended questions are a powerful tool to open her up emotionally and get her to share more about herself. This will create a deeper, more impactful and meaningful interaction that will leave her hoping you ask her on a second date.
Questions to Ask a Woman that Aren’t Typical Small Talk Questions
Think about what you would like to discover about the person you are talking to. For me, I am always interested in learning about a person’s dreams, hopes and ambitions. There is usually a struggle story behind it and that is what I am looking to uncover - their reason why.
When I am curious about discovering their why, I just know the right things to ask her at the moment. But here are some ideas of things to ask a girl you just met:
Is (what she's doing now) what you always wanted to do when you were younger?
This question will give you a lot of insight into her dreams and ambitions as well as understanding more about her background and childhood.
Maybe she is content working a 9-5 job and doing things she enjoys outside of work or maybe there is a deep drive to do something more impactful and meaningful with her career.
What’s your favorite thing about this city?
One commonality you share is that you are both in the same city. By asking her what she likes about the city, you are getting a glimpse into what she values most. This question will give you a glimpse into how she lives her life. Whether it is meeting friends at the local artisan coffee shop, long hikes, going for walks in the parks or rocking it out at festivals. Pay close attention to how she answers because this could also be the reason for you to seed a second date with her.
What’s your idea of a good weekend?
This question will get her talking about her idea of fun. Maybe she is a party girl who likes to have a few drinks and dance on the weekend or maybe she likes to travel and explore a new place. Either way, you are getting a look into her hobbies, interests and favorite pastimes. You can also use this information to segue into asking her to come with you to an event she might like.
The compliment + question
This is a little tricky, so maybe do this when you’ve already established a bit of rapport. Once you notice a lull in the conversation, you can give her a compliment. Keep in mind that your compliments shouldn’t be about her appearance as that might creep her out. Instead, focus on what she said and then ask her about that.
So in the example above, you can say something like, “You must be really focused on your job to move here. Got any hobbies that help you unwind?” That’s combo that shows her that you’re paying attention to what she says, you admire her for it and you’d like to know more. What woman can resist?
As a rule of thumb, you want to keep the first conversation light and relaxed. Anything to do with the country she grew up in, her career, hobbies, pastimes, travel, TV/movies, music, pets, hopes for the future are all good topics of conversation. These are just some of the topics for things to ask a girl you just met.
If she is interested in you, then asking open-ended questions will get her sharing more about herself, her personality and the things that matter most to her. This will create a deeper, more meaningful interaction so she will be eager to see you on that second date.