Being confident in bed comes naturally to some men. For the rest of us, though, a conscious effort is required. Sometimes, even intricate planning is necessary. After all, the women we pursue expect and deserve our best performance.
To be clear, confidence doesn’t equal intensity or boldness. Rather, it’s a comfortable style in which you assert what you want while making your partner feel safe and desirable.
In other words, if you think bedroom ecstasy is just about pinning her against the wall, you know nothing about how to be confident in bed. This article may just save you from a dating disaster.
How to be confident in bed in ways women love
It’s important to note that women desire different things in the bedroom. Among a few of the commonalities is a man who can anticipate their needs. Far too often, society teaches young women to be submissive, which means that men need to be able to read their minds. Lucky for you, you can keep an eye out for signs that she wants to sleep with you.
The great thing about an experienced woman is that she's more likely to tell you what she wants (if you like older women, check out our definitive guide to dating women over 30). If she doesn’t, though, never hesitate to ask her what she likes and how she likes it. Maybe even whisper it while you’re doing it. “Do you like that?” is both respectful and seductive.
Create a relaxed environment
Adjust the lighting, get some candles, and lay down fresh sheets. Even if you’re at her place, you can still take initiative in setting the mood.
It doesn’t matter how kinky you’re about to be. A romantic atmosphere will calm both of your nerves. There is more freedom in a comfortable environment.
It doesn't matter if this is a girl you have known for years or someone you just picked up using our recommended hookup apps, the environment matters more than you think.
Body language speaks volumes
Often, you won’t even have to verbally ask a woman what she wants. Without even realizing it, her body will already be telling you.
Pay attention to her lips. Has she been biting them in between sentences or when she pauses to think? What about when you talk, does she keep looking at your mouth? Chances are she hasn’t heard a word you said and is only anticipating if you’re able to kiss her the way she wants to be kissed.
When you’re mid-make out, does she lift her chin to reveal the open space between her neck and shoulder? This is a clear sign, she’s exclaiming “Kiss (or bite) me here!”
If you’re doing something she’s not enjoying or you simply aren’t doing it right, she may not flat out ask you to stop. Instead, she’ll likely wiggle or move her pelvis away, suggesting it’s time for a new position.
Knowing how to be confident in bed relies heavily on paying attention. You need to have the awareness to recognize the signs and the confidence to act on these cues without hesitation.
It’s also important to pay just as much attention to what your own body language is communicating. According to Psychology Today, keeping your body open suggests dominance and self-assurance and makes you a more desirable mate. Therefore, avoid crossing your arms and legs or looking down too often.
Focus more on when to perform, not what you do
A woman isn’t always gauging how you’re performing in bed as much as she’ll be dialed into your timing. Are you moving too fast or too slow? This is another case where you’ll need to pay attention to her.
She might not tell you faster or slower, but the rhythm in how she moves certainly will. She’ll think you’re taking charge when in reality you’re simply anticipating her needs by how fast or slow she moves. Eventually, you two will be in sync and it will get easier to recognize her pace.
Kiss her just a little longer
In most cases, you’re going to pick up on her red and green lights. When it comes to kissing, as soon as she tries to go to the next base, stop her.
She is never going to expect you to want to delay sex just to kiss her a little longer. Demonstrate your confidence in bed by asserting yourself. You’re not only showing that you know what you want, but you’re making it known that it's her. Not just her body.
Get out of your head
A man who over-thinks things won't know how to be confident in bed, and it’s obvious. This doesn't start right when you're about to have sex. Over-thinking can actually damage your chances of being able to hook up with a girl.
So when you're just getting flirty and starting to get heated in your conversation (this includes online conversations like Whatsapp sexting), show your confidence. Don't think too much about whether she'll like you enough to sleep with you. Forget about being a yes-man to everything she says. Just be you, naturally you, and she'll have a great time.
When you finally do tumble into bed, push the self-doubt away. Don’t allow yourself to look off into the corner of the room while on top of a woman. Your mind might wander and you’ll start worrying if you’re doing a good job. You’re your own worst critic.
Instead, look her right in the eyes, be present, and show her you know what you’re doing. Even if you don’t actually feel confident, this fake-it-til-you-make-it approach is basically guaranteed to be a huge turn on.
If she sees you’re insecure she is less likely to communicate her actual needs and desires. If she notices your self-awareness and that you’re putting her first, she will tell you what to do, or at least ask nicely.
Verbalize your desires
Level-up your dirty talk by telling her exactly what she makes you want to do to her. Point out specific details like the freckle above her lip or the dip in her waist. Make your attraction to her personalized so it doesn’t sound like you say these things to everyone.
The only thing sexier than you being confident in bed is if she thinks she’s the one giving you that confidence.
Saying things like, “You make me feel like I can do anything with you”, “You make me want to try new things” or “I’ve never been this turned on before” are going to boost both of your confidences.
Wear nice clothes
Wearing designer boxer briefs may seem trivial but it can also show how confident you were in having sex tonight. She’s going to notice it and appreciate it. Plus, you’ll feel like a total stud.
It shouldn’t stop with your underwear. What you wear from head to toe, how you smell and how well you groom yourself will speak for you before you even get the chance to open your mouth. Look good, feel great, perform your best. If you're rocking a shaved head, be sure to use the best clippers to give yourself a good, clean look.
Do a little dance
. . . Make a little love. Dancing or stripping will go one of two ways. It will either turn her on or make her giggle. Don’t worry if it’s the latter, though. She’s not laughing at you, she’s just adoring your personality.
Having fun in the bedroom is the ultimate testament to confidence. Being too serious means you’re trying too hard to control the situation. Confidence is trusting and liking yourself, and being open with her.
Keep the end-game in mind
Quite often, a date may follow a terrible day at the office and your confidence will be at an all-time low. That shattered confidence will be apparent to her. Don’t fret, though, you can make up for everything if you give her an unforgettable orgasm.
If you were a lousy date or you misread a few signs or your booty call isn't impressed with your flirtation skill, make it up to her with a gift better than flowers! Go down on her until her legs are shaking, then pursue her G-spot like a leprechaun chasing gold.
You can make all the mistakes in the world on a date, but a mind-blowing orgasm makes it a lot easier to forgive and forget.
If the moment strikes and you forget all other advice on how to be confident in bed, just be yourself. Whether you’re nerdy, quirky, or even a bit uptight, you can still reach her. Communicate to her how you’re feeling.
Want her to lead or show you what she likes? Just ask. Sex can be intimidating, but the last thing you want to do is pretend you’re comfortable playing the role of a dominant male when inside you have no clue what to do next.
These steps should be enough to pull you through. In case they don’t, just be yourself and if it comes down to it you can verbalize your insecurities or what you’re unsure about.
A little vulnerability can be just as huge of a turn on.
Practice makes perfect
Don’t be afraid to have a few bad nights on your way to Carnegie Hall. The more sex you have the better you’ll be at it and naturally, the more relaxed you’ll be in the bedroom. So if you're looking to have sex while you're in college, try to improve with each experience.
Once you’ve done the deed, don’t hesitate to ask how it was. I don’t mean right after sex, but later during a meaningful conversation. Seek feedback, ask her what else she’d like you to do. Such conversations lead to happy, healthy, and fulfilling sex lives for both of you.
Never let a few bad experiences convince you that you’re a bad lover. At the end of the day, if you want to know how to be confident in bed, you have to believe in yourself.