You’re not in a rush to get into a relationship. I get it. But on the flip side, you also want the same companionship and intimacy–just without the commitment part. Good thing this while friends with benefits arrangement is more common these days. But now you might be wondering how to find a friend with benefits.
While they’re on different ends of the relationship spectrum, a casual fling and a relationship have one thing in common: the intention is pretty clear. With friends with benefits, however, you’re kind of saying, “I want to keep things casual, but I also want to be friends.” Now that’s kind of tough to navigate, so here’s a guide for what you need to do.
What Is a Friend With Benefits?
It’s that grey area between a casual hookup and a serious relationship. A friend with benefits is someone you get along with and enjoy sex with. The difference is: you don’t have to abide by the rules of a traditional relationship. Primarily, this means there are no expectations for how often you’ll hang out, nor for you to remain faithful to each other. These types of arrangements are more popular than ever.
A friends-with-benefits relationship is generally seen as more than “just sex”. In a recent survey of those involved in such scenarios, the majority of participants said that going on dates was their favorite thing to do with their FWB.
Still, because you don’t have to commit to or even spend a lot of time with her, you’ll probably look for different qualities in an FWB than you would a monogamous girlfriend. Most likely, you’ll put more consideration into her appearance and ignore any personality flaws that would make her a bad long-term partner.
The majority of men and women report positive emotions while in an FWB scenario. Still, it’s worth reading this list of recommendations for a healthy FWB relationship if you want advice on how to create one that is satisfying for both of you.
How to Find a Friend With Benefits
This list of strategies for how to find a friend with benefits is based on what has actually worked for me and my friends.
Some dating apps are designed for singletons to find a long-term relationship. Others were created to help them find casual relationships and friends with benefits.
If you’re looking for an FWB, your best bet is to create an attractive profile on a highly-rated hook-up app. A lot of hook-up apps are very bad - many are scams - but there are some incredibly efficient apps out there too.
Here at Beyond Ages, we pride ourselves on publishing the most thorough and accurate online dating reviews based on our stringent testing process. Here are the apps we recommend most:
- Adult Friend Finder has existed ever since the early 2000s and has built up a huge worldwide audience of men and women seeking casual relationships and friends with benefits. We’ve tested this website in several different destinations and we’re always overwhelmed with sexy women to build connections with. Since it’s made clear that AFF is a hook-up website, we always find it easy to arrange a meet-up within just a handful of messages. This is the premium hook-up website. Better yet, it’s currently running a free trial, so there has been no better time to test it out for yourself.
- Ashley Madison is a website created for married men and women who are seeking affairs. There’s a lot of focus on privacy and anonymity and this can make it difficult to make a fast connection. It’s worth building some patience though. There are tens of millions of users on this website and a fair amount of them would appear to be highly active in their search for a bit on the side. If you’re not keen on an FWB relationship with a married woman, don’t panic. Singletons are welcome to sign up for Ashley Madison too.
You’re also likely to find friends with benefits in bars and nightclubs
Not all women who go to bars and nightclubs are ‘bad girls’. There are plenty of marriage-worthy women who like to let their hair down at these venues too. However, it’s the women willing to hook up with men they met in the club who are the most sexually liberated. So, you’re more likely to find an FWB relationship at the club, than you are at church or a yoga class, for example.
If you’re feeling particularly adventurous, you might even want to consider going to swingers' parties to find friends with benefits. Many of these parties have specific rules prohibiting solo male entrants, but if you can find a female accomplice, you’ll never have to worry about how to find friends with benefits again.
Make your intentions clear
This is the most important rule for those wondering how to find an FWB.
Don’t try to become her friend first. It’s rare that you’ll turn a female friend into an FWB. Once women categorize a man as a friend, it’s difficult for him to become seen as a sexual option. That’s why it’s called ‘the friendzone’ and is notoriously difficult to get out of.
Acting like a potential boyfriend won’t help you secure an FWB either. More likely, this will inspire her to act like a pure and innocent wifey-material woman around you. Indeed, women are very good at bending their personalities depending on the type of man they’re trying to impress. Behaving like a sweet and generous boyfriend will also make her prone to catch strong feelings, and that’s never helpful in an FWB relationship. If you already have a girlfriend, it’s very difficult to backtrack into an FWB situation with her for that reason.
Your best move is to behave like a ladies’ man. This doesn’t mean you have to be a jerk to women or play silly mind games. Just aim to have fun without taking it too seriously or investing too much into her. Essentially, you want to act like a man who already has a lot of friends with benefits, even if you don’t yet. It helps if you’re comfortable talking about sex and being sexual too.
When you’re good at this, women will sense that you’re the type of guy who only wants a casual relationship. More importantly, they’ll begin to feel able to have a great time in a casual relationship with you.
She has to see the benefit of an FWB relationship
Some single women are desperate for a serious relationship because they want to get married and have children as soon as possible. It’s not good wondering how to find a FWB like this, because these women are very difficult to get into casual relationships with.
Thankfully, other women have no desire for a serious relationship, perhaps because they’ve recently had their heart broken or they’re moving to a new city soon. These are the easiest to lock into a friends-with-benefits situation.
In between these two extremes, a lot of women might need help understanding the benefits of an FWB situation. The most important point to relay to these women is that there will be no rules, no expectations, and NO judgment.
With the rest of the benefits, it’s better to show than tell. Being good in bed will definitely help. Being able to treat her better than the guys who want a serious relationship is arguably essential too.
Instagram playboy Dan Bilzerian can afford to fly dozens of women out for a two-week holiday in Thailand, so they’re going to be less bothered about having him all to themselves. That’s an extreme example, but if you can make an FWB relationship with you more fun than seriously dating anyone else, you’ve got a great chance of her buying in.
Targeting bisexual women for friends-with-benefits relationships is another great strategy. The huge benefit for them is that you can introduce them to other bisexual women and potentially organize threesomes.
Psychologists suggest those with anxiety, depression or any form of sexual trauma are best off avoiding FWB relationships altogether.
How to Keep Your Friend With Benefits
No guide on how to find friends with benefits would be complete without some tips on keeping the ones you have. This is because, without the proper preparation, most of these arrangements tend to disintegrate within a few months or less.
The biggest threat to your friends-with-benefits relationship is one of you catching strong romantic feelings for the other. When that happens, a casual relationship is impossible to maintain because it becomes too painful for the enamored partner to think about their FWB being intimate with other people.
So, if you want to keep your friends-with-benefits relationship for a long time, it’s important that you take steps to stop her from catching feelings for you.
Here are some ideas to help you do that.
- Don’t hang out too often. Keeping your distance helps you both to keep your feelings at bay.
- Don’t take her on romantic dates. Make it a rule to only do activities that friends would do together.
- Don’t make romantic gestures. Flowers or extravagant birthday gifts are only going to fuel romantic feelings.
- Don’t cuddle after sex or let her sleepover. The oxytocin from cuddling all night can fuel a stronger romantic bond.
- Don’t introduce her to your family. This can give the impression that you’re taking her seriously as a potential partner.
- Don’t introduce her as anything other than your ‘friend’. If she meets your buddies, make sure she’s not mistaken as your girlfriend.
- Don’t give each other cute pet names. You wouldn’t do that for any other friend, so don’t do it here.
- Don’t get too vulnerable. Focus on good vibes and fun only.
- Don’t discuss your dates with other women. This can fuel jealousy, which usually causes her to believe she likes you more.
- Don’t let her meet your other FWBs. This can cause jealousy too. The only exception to this rule is if you’re all looking to get into bed together.
- Don’t let her believe you might be ‘something more’ one day. This allows a woman’s imagination to run wild and she’ll be more likely to push for that day to arrive.
This plan should help to stop YOU from catching feelings too. That’s just as likely to ruin your friends-with-benefits arrangements with women who don’t want anything serious.
The other major threat is your friend with benefits, falling for someone else. If this woman finds a great man who offers her monogamy, she might be tempted to take it. That would mean cutting ties with all her casual relationships. The only way to protect yourself against this is to treat her well and keep being as awesome as possible.
The good news is: a recent study of FWB relationships found that the majority of those who want to transition into ‘just friends’ are able to do it. Some 59% of those who started with that end result in mind were successful, compared to just 15% who wanted to transition into a monogamous relationship.