When you're in a new relationship, it's pretty common to talk about each other's dating past. You might discuss each other's exes, why you broke up, you first crush, etc. Then you realize that your girlfriend's dating life wasn't all cut and dry. There are some things you discover that aren't necessarily a turn-off, but they do linger in your mind. And you wonder how to get over your girlfriend's past.
This is a difficult thought that ruins many relationships if not handled correctly. As much as we like being macho, some guys can’t handle being with a girl with a history of a few too many hookups or even a bit of cheating.
On the other hand, some women can’t be in a long-term relationship for so long. No matter how hard she tries, it’s just not her cup of tea. So it looks like her past is composed only of mindless flings and no real relationships.
Despite how hard it may be, learning about your girlfriend’s past is important. It may not be enough to predict your future together but it will tell you a lot about what to expect from her as your future partner.
In this article, I’ll show you how to get over your girlfriend’s past if you want to stay with her. It’s usually about how much you can tolerate in a relationship and not about how “feisty” you think she was in the past. But before handling this question, let’s start with another one that is equally important…
Should I Be Jealous of My Girlfriend’s Past?
It’s not about you or your girlfriend.
It’s not about love either…
It’s about being a good match for each other.
If your values and life goals aren't hindered by her past – no matter how difficult it was – then nothing should stop you from being together.
Let’s agree on two seemingly-contradicting human facts:
People CAN change
Her past shouldn’t subsequently be her future. People change, and regardless of her past, she can be a whole new person 10 years from now.
People ONLY change to a certain degree
In other words, the past often predicts the future.
History tends to repeat itself.
If she’d been in 10 relationships and none of them were fulfilling, then don’t expect yours to be different. It could be, but it's not likely. Not all women are girlfriend/wife material, and not all men can tolerate being who seems to have a different trajectory in life.
It’s all about what can you tolerate.
The question you should ask yourself is:
“Based on what I know, can I imagine myself happy with this girl 10 years from now?”
If yes, then her past won’t really matter (unless she’s someone you shouldn't marry). If the answer is no, then break up with her even if she seems like the ideal girl for you right now.
How to Find Out Your Girlfriend's Past
Before you can learn how to get over your girlfriend's past, you need to know what secrets are lurking in there first. There are several ways you can find out about your girlfriend’s past. Some are straightforward while others are sneaky and can only be used within context. Either way will depend on your specific situation.
Here they are:
1. Talk about it
Don’t keep your concerns to yourself. They say, "When in doubt, err on the side of boldness." Most of the time, a woman will talk about her past if she feels the guy won’t judge her. So don’t be judgmental or make her feel that speaking up might hurt or upset you and she may share some of her past secrets with you.
Or you can just be bold and ask about her past. Tell her if there’s something about her past that she wants to share and assure her you won’t judge that past.
2. Go online
If she has been active on social media for the past couple of years, you can learn a lot from her posts. A little digging here and there can help you learn more about her. This is especially true if she's the type who lays it all out there and doesn't delete past posts about her exes.
So when you go online and check her posts, see if she mentions anything about her past relationships. She might have posts about her rants towards her exes or a few flirty wall posts from past flings. This gives you some idea about how she used to conduct her relationships, though they don't paint a full picture.
3. Ask your common friends
If you met through a common friend and you're pretty close with that friend, ask them. Chances are your friend will have your best interests in mind, especially if there's something about her past that you absolutely HAVE to know.
Your common friend might mention some of her exes or when she was heartbroken. They might let slip that your girlfriend used to be married or she moved across the country to be with a guy who eventually dumped her. You might even learn about wild alcohol binges and a string of bad decisions she made before meeting you.
Keep in mind that not all friends are willing to give up this info. Many believe that it's best if you hear these things from her. But if she's extremely secretive and you don't know anything about her, then let your friends know.
4. Hire a private detective
This is weirdo level 100, but it’s effective, and makes sense to some men, especially if she’s about to become your Mrs.
If you’re about to marry her but your gut is telling that you need to know more about her, then this can be a wise move. Especially if you got plenty of money. You don’t wanna lose half your money for anyone, especially the wrong woman.
I recently read a story about a brain surgeon who was pressured to marry his girlfriend of two months. He was naïve and she said he was her first and that he should marry her asap. He then found out that she had several boyfriends and did porn for pleasure, but that was after they got married.
If she had just come clean, then the marriage could have gone on without a hitch (if he has an open mind). But all this secrecy lost her custody of her kids.
How to Stop Being Jealous of Your Girlfriend’s Past Hookups
To stop being jealous of your girlfriend’s past hookups, you need to follow the following 5-step process, not only once but until you’re either cool with her past or break up with her.
1. How you found out about her past makes all the difference
Realize that there’s a BIG difference between sharing her past with you and finding it from other sources. It’s one thing when you girl tells you she cheated on her boyfriend and it’s another to hear it from him. The first conveys maturity, boldness, and respect while the other can and should raise questions.
2. Examine your thoughts, before you do or say anything foolish
Journaling your thoughts on paper helps you in so many ways. It puts the situation in the right perspective and puts your thoughts and worries under the microscope. For example, write down why you feel bad that your girlfriend has had a lot of lovers.
Maybe her sexual freedom scares you and makes you think she may leave you just like she did with them. Maybe you’re afraid of the comparison or think you’ll never be her one, and only and memories about her past boyfriend will always linger in her mind. Maybe you have half self-worth issues that make you ask “why did she end with a guy like me when she had better?” This is a big question that men feel but fear to ask.
Journaling your thoughts this way isn’t just relieving. It’ll also show you where exactly you need to improve to become a better man and a better lover.
3. Attitude, attitude, attitude
If you think she’ll get bored of you, she will. If you think she’ll cheat on you, she will. And if you think she’ll get leave you, she will. Thoughts lead to actions and the last thing you want to have is a bad self-fulfilling prophecy.
This, by no means, doesn’t mean you wear your positive sunglasses and run in the dark till you hit a wall. This means that an attractive guy (single or in a relationship) doesn’t let jealousy sneak into his mind. He knows he’s high value and he’ll behave accordingly. This will do two things:
- You will lead the relationship with confidence, which will make her want to be with you even more. Women are women, and they all want to be with a confident man who believes he’s good enough.
- You won’t care much if she leaves, cheats, or if you decide to end the relationship for any reason. It may still sting, but not as hard as you’d made it be if you keep worrying about her leaving you.
This takes us to the next question…
4. What do you really value in a woman?
Ask yourself, “what do I value in a woman?” And whether these new pieces of information will affect that. Identify the behaviors that you’re willing to let slide and the ones that are never to be violated and see where she stands on each of them.
If you value honesty and found out that your girlfriend lied about her past, then either make it clear you won’t tolerate dishonesty in the future or you’ll break up.
However, if you value adventurousness and want someone to have kinky sex with on the terrace every night and she tells you she had four threesomes before you, then your values are almost allied together.
5. Life is full of patterns, but 1+1 doesn’t always = 2
Studies say that children of divorced parents are more likely to cheat or divorce. My grandparents divorced when my mother was 4, and she’s been in a long happy marriage for +35 years. Does it mean the study is wrong?
Nah, but it just shows that people are more complicated than the boxes we try to put them in.
Of course, it’s much easier to believe these stereotypes. However, you and your girlfriend can still be different. Her past doesn't predict her future and people go through phases in their life. Maybe she was a wild child in her teens and early-20s, but it doesn't mean she'll never grow out of it.
How to Forget Your Girlfriend's Past Serious Relationships
Choosing to forget isn’t something all people can do, especially men.
Part of you will always remember her past, compare you with her other boos or baes, or tell you that she won’t change.
The best way to handle this dilemma is to accept that your mind will throw some shit at you from time to time and then collect evidence from your present that tells you whether you were right by staying with her or you should drop her and break up.
1. Think: Abundance
Really what’s the worst thing that may happen? She cheats on you or leaves you for another dude? Sorry to break that bubble, but you’ll always find a better woman if you keep working on yourself.
I know it’s a loss of time, energy, and resources to date a girl for a year then she leaves you for another guy. But let this one sink in:
"Knowing that you can survive any storm with or without your girlfriend makes you less hung up on her past and more focused on bringing the best out of her and having as much fun as possible together."
Men with high-value level up. They work on themselves physically, mentally, and financially which increases their mating options over time. Whether they decide to act on these options or stick to just one woman at a time (or for life), it’s up to them. But as long as you work on yourself, you shouldn’t worry if a woman may leave you.
2. To stay or to go
Either make the conscious decision to throw those worries behind your back or break up with her. If her past really bothers you and you seriously can't see yourself getting over it, then break up with her. Resist the temptation to stay in the relationship and pretend that her past doesn't matter if it always bothers you.
Likewise, if you want to stay with her despite her past, do it. Work towards getting over it and then forget about it. Don’t pretend to accept her past one day then bring it up on the next fight.
3. Work on building trust
Give your relationship more time to evolve and allow yourselves to mature. If her past of many hookups, a failed marriage or even cheating bothers you but you want to work on it, then do so. Work on building a foundation of trust between you that will strengthen your relationship. And keep working on it until your love for her overrides whatever she may have done in the past.
With that in mind, don't rush to put a ring on her finger unless you are absolutely 100% sure that despite her past, you still want to be with her. Marriage, moving on, having kids or any of those big relationship milestones won't magically make her past change. Before committing to her fully, you want to ensure that you're committed to HER--deep dark past and all.
Once you know how to get over your girlfriend's past (if you do want to stay together), it's all a matter of making it work. It's not a straight and easy road, especially if her past really bothered you at first. But if you commit to making it work and you allay your fears and hangups, there's no reason your relationship won't work.