If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of desperation, you’ve seen firsthand just how unattractive it can be. Knowing how to text your ex without coming across that way is important, especially if you want her back.
It’s so easy to appear desperate through text and a lot of guys make the same mistakes. So if you want to text her but you’re not sure how to go about it, read on.
How to Text Your Ex The Right Way
Whether your ex texts you or you just feel like reaching out, this is the guide for you. To learn how to text an ex successfully, you need to take a step back from the situation. Try to look at your messages objectively before hitting send. Put yourself in her shoes and think about how you’d feel if you received that message.
Beyond that, here are eight easy things you can put into practice the next time you text her.
No more than two unanswered texts
I’ve talked about this before and it’s something I apply to all kinds of texting. If I’ve sent someone two messages and received no response, I’m not sending a third.
In most situations, it’s because continuing to send those messages looks desperate. Like I don’t even care that she’s not responding, I just need to talk to her.
I’m not fond of strict rules around dating, but this is one I recommend you follow. It can be difficult, particularly if the breakup is fresh, but if she hasn’t responded to your last two messages, you need to cool it.
Giving her that space is your best chance of getting her back if that’s your aim.
Don’t let emotions write the text
If you’re still desperately missing her and fighting back tears, now is not the time to be sending her a text.
You need to get yourself to a point where you’re stable and capable of looking at this objectively first. While the breakup is fresh, emotions are just too overwhelming to do this effectively.
If you try diving straight in, chances are you’re going to ignore all the remaining points in this article. That’s exactly how guys end up looking desperate when texting their ex.
Text her only when you have something to say
Although you might mean well, texting her constantly just to stay in touch can make her feel smothered. She isn’t getting her space and she’ll feel like you’re messaging all the time to keep tabs on her.
For now, text her only when you actually have something to say. It doesn’t always have to be a serious conversation. Just avoid the daily “hi, how’s your day going?” messages.
When you can stick to this rule, knowing how to text an ex becomes far easier. That way you won't need to worry so much about how to get her to text back.
Keep it casual--now is not the time to pour your heart out
Breakups are painful and sometimes you just want her to know how you feel. Unfortunately, you’re no longer together and you can’t rely on her for that kind of emotional support. . .at least not for now.
As you’re figuring out how to text your ex, keep things very casual and generic. You need to establish some basic building blocks to work from. Constantly telling her that you love her and miss her doesn’t make for an appealing conversation. If anything, it's one reason she won't text you back.
Instead, talk about the types of things you would with friends. What you’ve both been up to, how work is going etc. Yes, it’s a bit on the mundane side, but do you know what else it is? Safe.
It’s safe conversation that stays away from the complex emotions of a breakup. It’s exactly what you both need at this stage. Friendship and a potentially renewed relationship can come later.
By the way, I wrote about how to be friends with your ex in a recent article. If that is your end goal here, go ahead and check that article out too.
No talking about the relationship or breakup
An extension of my previous point, these two deserve their own section. Talking about your emotions off the bat is a bad idea. In fact, talking about your relationship, how it all ended and how you still like her is a fantastic way to get yourself ghosted.
No matter how strong we are, everyone needs some time and space to gather themselves when a relationship ends.
If you keep texting her about getting back together and rehashing arguments you had at the end, she’s not getting that space. You’re being overwhelming and forcing her to sit in that pain and discomfort for far too long.
Not only is it not constructive, but it can also be quite controlling. More often than not, her response will be to shut you out completely since you’ve left her no other way to get the space she needs. The worst part is, you really can’t blame her for handling it that way.
Avoid all of this and just don’t allow yourself to talk about your relationship or getting back together. Not yet.
Keep it short and to the point
Another very common mistake when learning how to text an ex is sending a wall of text.
Messages are great because they’re fast and convenient. If you go sending massive texts that take a minute to read and 15 minutes to respond to, she might not have the time or emotional capacity to handle it.
Even worse than that, if you’re sending these essays in response to her short messages it begins to feel very one-sided. This is exactly the type of thing that makes you look desperate. As though you’re so excited to hear from her that you just can’t contain yourself.
There’s no specific word count to stick to here. Just keep an eye on the balance in the conversation. Make sure the length of your messages is roughly equal to hers and don’t let them get too long.
The idea is to keep your communication casual, requiring minimal input from both sides.
Sober texting only
We all know that alcohol reduces our inhibitions. When you’re in a weakened emotional state, a few drinks may be all it takes to make you think texting her is a good idea.
It’s probably too late at night to be sending casual text messages, for starters. Worse than that, your mental state at that point will probably make you ignore every piece of advice in this article.
It usually ends with a long message about how you miss her and need her back. Sometimes even a string of barely coherent messages without ever receiving a response.
While the reasons behind it may be entirely valid, the impression is one of sadness and desperation.
Avoid all of this by only ever texting your ex when you’re sober. If you’re midway through a text conversation when you head out with your friends, let her know. Tell her you’re about to have a few drinks, so you’ll text her in the morning. It’s that easy!
How to text your ex without begging: know that you're equals!
A very common theme in my dating articles is confidence. It’s a trait that every single person finds attractive.
When you put her on a pedestal and try to grovel your way back into a relationship, you’re giving the wrong impression. Begging and pleading for her to be with you is the opposite of cool, calm and confident.
If you want to get back together, you need to play it cool. Keep it casual and remember that you’re both on the same level. It’s not about you asking her permission and her deciding if a relationship will happen.
If you still want to be with her, she probably already knows this to some extent. You don’t need to keep asking her or pleading for “another chance.” That's probably just going to keep her from texting back.
Even if that’s all you care about right now, you need to take a step back for a while. Realize that the best chance you have of being in a relationship with her again is to give both of you time and space.
I know that it’s a hard phase to go through and implementing these tips will be difficult some days. I can assure you though, if you force yourself to apply this advice, you’ll end up with the best possible outcome.
It may not feel like it right now, but you don’t need to be with your ex to be happy. Keep your communication low-key, take that time to work on yourself and see where things go.