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The The Do’s and Don’ts Of The First Text After The No Contact Rule


What should be your first text after the No Contact Rule? Is it “Sorry”? “I miss you”? “Please come back, I can’t live without you”? You haven’t talked to her in a while, so you need the perfect message to convey that this whole no-contact scenario is over.

If you're reading this, then you probably already know how effective the “No Contact Rule” is. When you decide to break up with a woman (or at least take a time-out with her), this all-powerful rule will give you your best chance at rekindling the relationship after 3-4 weeks.

Simply giving her up to a month to feel your absence—that’s the secret sauce. Once she misses you enough, she’ll gladly get back together with you.

That said, the No Contact Rule can be difficult to implement. And one of the main challenges is deciding what to text her after the three or four weeks of No Contact has passed.

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Naturally, you’ll want the first text you send her to give you the best chance of making her miss you and want you again. It all hinges on that first text message: Either you get her back and your relationship will be stronger than ever... or you don’t, and she’s gone forever.

So, what should your first text be about? That’s what this article will answer today.

First Text After the No Contact Rule

A woman blocking her boyfriend

Here’s the main challenge: There’s no “one size fits all” text that will work universally well after the No Contact period.

Instead, the best text message to send her will depend on two things: (1) Who initiated the No Contact Rule, and (2) whether you were in a committed relationship before it happened.

If you initiated the no contact rule...

...then it means you may have been dissatisfied with your relationship with your girlfriend, or you wanted to meet other women, or both. And so you called the breakup or a break so you could both see other people.

Meanwhile, your girlfriend may have been against your decision, but let you have your way in the end (the best scenario)... or she may have been neutral about it.

In either case, she’s likely to break the No Contact Rule first, contacting you before the 3-4 weeks have passed. When that happens, you’re golden—she did the work for you. Now you’ll just need to rekindle the relationship, and with her on the same page, it’ll be easy.

Now, here’s the thing: What if she doesn’t text you after 3-4 weeks? What if, after the No Contact period has passed, you decided you wanted to get her back—but she never texted you first?

New course

Now the burden’s on you. Here’s how to maximize the chances of having her receive your first text message positively: Make sure she's not in a toxic mood.

If she didn’t like the idea of breaking up or cooling off, she can hold a grudge for weeks or months. You'll know she’s angry when her social media is filled with hateful (or at least passive-aggressive) posts about your past relationship.

The best time to contact her is when she’s not toxic anymore, such as when her social media habits seem normal (or they’ve returned to normal). Then you text her something like:

“Hey, I passed by our favorite strip mall this morning and it reminded me of you. How have you been? I was wondering if you’d be free to chat soon.”

The formula is simple: Have an excuse to contact her (e.g. seeing something at the mall, running into a common friend, etc.), and have a friendly tone—like you’re reaching out to an old friend you’re very fond of.

Keep in mind that you’re not trying to ask her out on a date in your first text after the no contact rule. You just want her to know that you’re thinking about her and that you want to talk again. Even if she has moved on (or it looks that way), you want to break the ice a bit before trying to meet up with her.

If she initiated the no contact rule...

What's a good first message to send after going no contact?

Now, this one's tricky. If she’s the one who initiated the breakup, then try to remember the mood she was in when she called things off. Was she angry (“Good riddance!”) or joyful (“Ahh... At last!”)?

Spoiler alert: If she was happy with the breakup, then you have a near-zero chance of getting her back. She may have been bored in your relationship or felt trapped in it. And now, she’s free to do whatever she wants. Or maybe she got an upgrade, and odds are she won’t want to downgrade anytime soon.

That said, there’s always a chance you can start over with your girlfriend even after she broke up with you. The No Contact Rule is the key—waiting the 3-4 weeks before texting her is critical. Without it, you stand no chance of getting her back.

Likewise, you text her using the same formula: Wait ‘til she’s no longer angry or toxic, then reach out to her like an old friend who wants to catch up.

“Hey, I saw something funny today that reminded me of you, so I thought to check up on you. How are things?”

No matter what you do, do not mention the relationship, dating, or getting back together. You want to give her the impression that you’re fine, you’re past the breakup, and now you want to be friends.

If you're not dating and went no contact...

Now, here’s a special case: What if you weren’t in a relationship with her? What if you were just seeing each other, then you simply stopped texting?

If she hasn’t texted you for 3-4 weeks, there are two possibilities here. The first is that she didn’t take your relationship all that seriously, and when you vanished, she went on with her life like nothing of great value was lost.

The second possibility is that she might feel awkward about reaching out first. She may have noticed you weren’t texting anymore, and so she started thinking things like:

  • “Maybe I wasn't good enough for him. I’d hate to confirm that by contacting him.”
  • “Maybe he was a player. I’ve been ghosted like this before.”
  • “I shouldn’t contact him first. I'd look desperate.”

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In either case, you can’t go wrong by being a gentleman and contacting her first. Again, the formula is the same—be friendly and have a good reason to reach out to her.

“Hey! It’s been a while. Are you still in town?”

If she replies, good for you. If she doesn’t, then you’ve probably lost her. Chalk it up to experience. Let it be a reminder that attraction fades quickly—if you like her, don’t let more than a few days pass without contact. So if she stopped texting you, you need to know how to get her interest back.

What to Do After No Contact

Now, in all the situations we’ve discussed so far, you may have noticed some common threads running through the solutions. And you’d be right: after the No Contact period, there are proven ways to maximize your chances of getting a genial reply from her:

#1: Stay positive and be a friend

I can’t stress this enough. Make zero mention of the relationship you had with her before. You want to come in on a clean slate like you’re starting over.

You want to build a new relationship with her—one that’s fun, easygoing, and stress-free. Start as being friends again first. That way, you’ll have a pretty good chance of making her think of you as her potential next lover.

#2: Be ready to meet up

Meeting up again after going no contact

Second, there’s no sense in texting after a period of No Contact, and then not meeting up with her. Trust me when I say you won’t get back her back over text, just as you can’t make a woman fall in love with you over words on a screen.

You must set up a face-to-face meeting with her. It could be to have coffee, or drinks, or lunch, or to visit the new art installation—anything that lets you chat and do things together.

Pro tip: Don’t take her to see a horror movie, as you’ll just be sitting around not talking to each other. Movies also add unwelcome romantic tension, which can sabotage your chances of reaching the next step:

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#3: Wait for her to bring it up

Lastly, it’s best if she brings up the idea of getting into a relationship (or getting back together) herself. If you make the mistake of bringing it up first, she’ll think: “Huh. I guess he missed me more than I missed him,” and suddenly your chances of getting with her drop sharply.

So until she brings it up, meet her as friends once every 1-2 weeks. Have fun, share jokes, tell stories, and do fun things. Make it as enticing as possible for her to consider falling (back) in love with you.

Now, to wrap up this article, let’s tackle the worst-case scenario:

What if She Doesn't Reply After No Contact?

...Or what if she prefers to just be friends? In both cases, she’s not interested in you anymore. The most you can do is send a second (and possibly last) text message, saying:

“I guess you’re busy. No worries, I hope you’re doing fine. Take care.”

And unless she replies to that, send nothing else. Pushing the issue will only turn her off.

If she never replies, don’t worry too much about it. As with all failed attempts in life, charge it to experience. If you can’t save or revive your relationship, be content with the effort you put into the No Contact phase, knowing that you used the best technique in the book and stuck with it ‘til the end.


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