With so much advice available online, learning how to talk to girls on Tinder can feel daunting.
A simple Google search on the topic gives you millions of results and countless rules about what you should and shouldn’t do -- where do you begin? What to talk about on Tinder is a complicated topic. Interestingly enough, in my experience the less I think my messages through, the better things go.
I’ve had a lot of success with Tinder over the past couple of years so in this article I’m going to cover some of the most important things I’ve learned in that time.
How to talk to girls on Tinder
Let’s get started with a few simple tips around how to chat on Tinder. With these in mind you’ll find yourself being more comfortable and more successful in no time.
Remember, it’s just a conversation
For all the information and stress that surrounds this topic, all you’re really doing is having a conversation, right? It doesn't matter what app you're using, Tinder or any of the other top dating apps out there we've tried, any time you catch yourself overthinking a message or agonizing over which word to use, bring yourself back to this point.
No public speaking, no intimidating cameras, just a casual text conversation between you and her. Now go ahead, take a deep breath and relax -- learning how to talk to women on Tinder is fun!
Humor is your friend
If you have a good sense of humor you’re off to an excellent start. Being able to make her laugh through a text conversation is such a powerful thing. Not only are you both already having fun together, you’re standing out for all the right reasons. For anyone trying to figure out how not to be boring on Tinder, humor is absolutely the answer.
See, women will typically have a lot of matches to choose from and it’s up to you to get her attention. You don’t have to be a comedic genius, just something amusing enough to have her intrigued.
Honestly, all I set out to do in these conversations is make myself laugh. If I’m smirking at my phone like an idiot (and we’re a good match) there’s a good chance she is too. This keeps me from “trying to be funny” which often just feels forced. It’s a simple way to break down those barriers when learning how to talk on Tinder.
There’s a subtle but important difference between an ironically bad joke and a bad attempt at humor. The more you relax and just enjoy yourself, the easier it is to be genuinely funny.
Stop acting normal
Sounds like strange advice, right? We’re taught to act a certain way around people we don’t know. It’s often a very sterile and boring version of ourselves that has no place in a conversation or a good Tinder bio.
Don’t go jumping straight in with your life story but try to act more like you do around close friends. Something as simple as a line from your favorite movie that you’d often reference can quickly become a talking point.
In fact, some of my most fun and successful conversations have been very unusual indeed. In one particular case, it’s the sole reason we ended up meeting and seeing each other regularly. She had decided to delete the app but was laughing too much at our conversation to ignore it.
Not only is this going to help you stand out, it also makes conversation so easy on the first date. You have so many fun inside jokes and topics to talk about -- worlds ahead of discussing about the weather!
If you’re trying to figure out how not to be boring on Tinder, definitely put this into practice.
Stay positive and exciting
When you’re learning how to talk to girls or even flirt on Tinder, always try to avoid negative topics. If the conversation starts heading that way, it’s time to change things quickly. If she’s the one that starts down a negative tangent, acknowledge it briefly and move on.
Why? Because building rapport is difficult when you’re focused on things that annoy us. You’re far better off associating yourself with positivity and fun. The notion is that if you’re fun to talk to, you’re probably fun to date too.
Better yet, forcing yourself into this habit with Tinder conversations will steadily change your regular ones too. Overall, you’ll become that positive person that people want to be around. Not bad as a side benefit to all of this, huh?
There’s no need to change the topic entirely, just make it positive. For example, maybe she’s talking about how she hates her current job and can’t wait to quit next month. It’s okay to empathize briefly but rather than dwelling on her situation, ask about her future plans. What’s she planning to do after she quits next month? There’s a good chance it’s something she’s excited about.
Begin with easy conversation
It’s rare that she’s going to be heavily invested in you from your opening message on Tinder. Although it’s important to stand out, you also need to be mindful of the questions you’re asking.
You never want “what’s your biggest aspiration in life?” to be message number 3. This is not how to chat on Tinder.
Instead, aim for quick and simple back and forth. Interesting and fun discussion that helps you learn more about her without going too deep. Heavier conversation should be saved for much later.
The reason for this is simple. Questions that take time or a lot of thought to answer are too much at this early stage. I have to admit, I’m just as guilty of this.
If I’m uncertain about one of my matches and she starts asking things that need a long response, I’ll leave it until later to reply -- it’s not uncommon for me to forget later and so the conversation goes cold.
Try to avoid the obvious
Have you ever heard a really tall person complain about people telling them they’re tall? As though maybe they weren’t aware they’re 9” taller than everyone else in the room?
It’s the same thing here. If she looks like a celebrity, you’re probably the 9th person to mention that on Tinder today. Remember what I said about standing out? Commenting on the obvious is the exact opposite of that.
Interestingly enough, I seem to get a good response when opening with a self-aware comment about it. Something like “so how many times per week does someone tell you that you look like X?”
Conveniently in support of my point here, their response is always along the lines of “ugh, constantly”. I usually respond to this with a bit of humor like “hmm, I don’t see it personally. I’m getting more of a Mila Kunis vibe” or some other celebrity they look nothing like.
Just a bit of fun to defuse the situation and we’re off to a great start. This is one way you can win over your matches on Tinder.
Pay attention to message length
Looking back over your past Tinder conversations, do you notice your messages tend to be longer than hers?
If you’re sending lengthy replies and she responds with a few words, you just aren’t on the same page. It could be that she just isn’t interested in the current topic or maybe you two just aren’t a great match.
Rather than continuing with your long messages, try changing topic and shortening your replies. A noticeable mismatch can make you seem too eager. Desperate even.
I know I’m certainly guilty of losing interest when it’s the other way around too. If I’m not sure about a particular match and she seems to be too enthusiastic, that’s usually enough for me to end it.
I know this sounds a little counterintuitive but if I’m feeling overwhelmed on Tinder, imagine after the second or third date!
Nobody is looking for a pen pal
This is a point I’ve touched on in other articles but it’s worth mentioning again.
You don’t have to rush your way to the next step or set an arbitrary number of messages before you escalate. Instead, be on the lookout for an opportunity to do so when the timing feels right.
It’s great that you’re figuring out how to message someone on Tinder but settling in for 3 weeks of discussion is not aim.
There’s no such thing as the perfect time to escalate but with some practice you will get a feel for it. For me, it’s usually when I notice we’re both engaged in the conversation and talking to her doesn’t feel like work.
When it comes time to escalate, try not to overthink it. How I go about it is situational but it’s usually something like “you don’t seem so scary. Want to text me and we can meet up some time this week?”
Nothing special, right? That’s exactly my point -- you don’t have to have some magical line at the ready. If things are going well you’re probably both interested in meeting up. When that’s the case, escalating to the next step is really just a formality.
As for the “you don’t seem so scary”... that’s just my goofy humor. The implication that I had to make sure she was safe first is a silly play on the whole dynamic. It works for me but make sure you adapt it for yourself.
If you’re stuck, ask questions
If you’re stuck for what to talk about on Tinder, remember this if you ever feel like a conversation is getting dry.
Look through her profile and pay attention to what she’s been saying. Somewhere in there will be a topic you want to ask her about.
Not only are you giving her an avenue for easy conversation, you’re also showing that you’re listening. You’re actually paying attention and care what she has to say.
Back and forth questions are a staple of good conversation. The better you can get at this, the easier things will flow. Just be careful that it doesn’t start to feel like an interrogation.
You can break it up by throwing in some of your own stories or commentary. It won’t take long before you start doing this naturally and the chat with no effort from either of you.
Your grammar is important
If you struggle to remember the difference between “your” and “you’re”, you aren’t alone. Unfortunately though, you are at a disadvantage when it comes to how to talk on Tinder.
It’s okay though, help isn’t far away. Just download the free Grammarly keyboard (both Android and iOS) and it’ll prompt you with corrections. It’s similar to your phone’s native autocorrect but also watches out for grammatical errors.
Especially if she’s in an industry that expects a high level of English, poor grammar may actually cost you a date. It’s easily one of the most common complaints women have about using Tinder.
Practice makes perfect
Most important of all, don’t let the amount of advice on this topic put you off. The best way to improve the way you talk to women on Tinder is to… talk to women on Tinder.
Rather than overthinking every message, treat it like you’re messaging one of your friends. Relax, ask questions you genuinely want the answers to and keep it informal.
The more you do this, the more comfortable both of you are going to feel and that’s how good conversation flows.
When I first installed the app, learning how to message someone on Tinder was a struggle. I know I would have found these tips so helpful for finding matches on Tinder when I first started using it. Hopefully you do as well!
Successful conversations on Tinder are so much easier than we make it out to be in our heads. Start swiping, take a good look at your matches and get some practice in. Don’t forget to experiment -- nailing your own personal style will help you more than you think.
Within weeks you’ll wonder how you ever struggled with what to message on Tinder. Don’t forget to let us know how you go.