Whether you’re looking for love or more of a short-term arrangement, you need to know how to flirt on Tinder. While there’s no substitute for experience, I’m going to give you some pointers to ease that learning curve.
Lucky for us, the average guy on Tinder has set the bar incredibly low. You don’t need to be at the top of your game to stand out from the others. That means there’s no excuse to put it off any longer.
How to Flirt on Tinder
Learning how to flirt on Tinder is actually a fun process. Sure, you might make some mistakes along the way but the key is to avoid taking yourself too seriously. Have fun with it, experiment and see what works with your personality and preference in women.
Of course, if you’re still having trouble with any of these steps, we’ve got your back. We’ve done a whole video course teaching guys how to meet older women and get dates.
I know. You’ve heard it before and it’s not as simple as just flipping a switch, right? I’ve definitely been there and believe it or not, the solution was as simple as it is cliche: fake it ‘till you make it.
Acting confident through your Tinder messages will kick start a whole cycle of positive feedback. But it’s just the start in a multi-step process to build confidence. Eventually, you’ll end up gaining legitimate confidence and life, in general, will improve.
While you’re learning how to flirt on Tinder though, try to keep this in mind and form the habit. Push yourself to start the conversation, initiate the first date and don’t seek validation from her.
It can take some practice and if you’re really struggling, just focus on one part at a time. If you’re unsure how to break the ice on Tinder, I covered that in a recent article too. I’d suggest reading it as a great starting point.
As for what confidence looks like in Tinder messages, it’s simple. A guy that’s willing to take the lead and doesn’t need any kind of confirmation or validation from her. If you’re the guy starting the conversation and initiating that first date, you’re already on the right track.
From there, you both matched based on appearance or because of your cool Tinder bio, so you can assume attraction too. Work on the basis that you’re both attracted to each other and everything else will fall into place.
A mistake so many guys make is trying to confirm interest before they escalate anything. They’ll use self-deprecating comments to bait her into confirming interest and it isn’t attractive. You’re better than that.
Some women are going to be anxious about using Tinder, especially when it comes to setting up a date. They don’t know who you are yet or if they can trust you, which can be scary. Unfortunately, there are enough horror stories floating around to support this fear, too. That includes using terrible pickup lines on Tinder.
The better you can be at making her feel comfortable, the greater your chances of getting to the first date.
While there’s no cut-and-dry way of making her comfortable with you, one critical aspect is just being a normal person. As I always say, being sexual is okay but there’s a time and place. If all you’re doing is talking about your skills in the bedroom or how hot her body is, even I’m going to be uncomfortable and I’m not even there.
Avoid overwhelming her with messages too. She doesn’t want to wake up to a “Good morning beautiful” message every day from some guy on Tinder. She also doesn’t want to finish work and check her phone to find seven messages from you.
Act normal, enjoy the conversation and escalate when the timing feels right. You can also send her photos on Tinder to show off your personality if messaging isn't cutting it. If you can do those things and incorporate the other points in this article, comfort will soon follow.
This is what makes Tinder work so well for those who want to find a lot of dates. So many people invest the time and effort on taking interesting photos and fun bios.
Unfortunately, so many guys fail at this part that I really need to mention it. You’re a complex and interesting person. You have likes, dislikes and hobbies and you’ve been to some interesting places. No doubt you’ve also done some really cool things people want to hear about.
If you’re concealing all of this and just talking about the weather, you’re doing yourself a disservice.
The (entirely correct) rationale here is if you’re boring to talk to on Tinder, you’re going to be boring on a date too. Boring is not a part of effective flirting.
Tell her these interesting things about yourself. Maybe you’re learning a new language or just got back from an amazing vacation. Talk about it! She’s trying to get to know you and figure out if she wants to meet up. The more interesting you can be to her, the more likely she is to go on a date.
It's that simple, just make sure the conversation isn’t focused on you. It's a lot easier to tell if a girl is playing you online if you're not just talking about yourself the whole time.
Make her laugh
If you take just one point away from this article, make it this one. Humor is talked about so often, yet it still goes underutilized on Tinder and so many other hookup apps.
If you’ve ever watched two people flirting in person, you’ll have noticed the same thing. There’s a lot of smiling and laughing -- they’re both having a great time.
Funny people are fun to be around and this is especially true in the dating world. If she’s attracted to you, she’s going to laugh at even your worst jokes. No need to be a world-class comedian.
Witty, situational humor works best for me. Literally every date I’ve been on they’ve made mention of it. If you’re considering replying with something funny but you’re not sure if you should, I say go for it.
Even if it isn’t a great hit, you’re learning what works for you which will craft better conversation in the future.
If you lack a little confidence, this is probably something you try to avoid. The thing is, being open with your intentions is actually a good thing.
This is Tinder, so there’s expected to be a little talk about sex at some point. If this makes you nervous, you can just start with some playful innuendo and see how she responds.
One way or another, I prefer to start down this route with some humor. It helps me avoid coming across as creepy and makes it easy to change the topic if she seems uncomfortable.
Here’s a great, recent example. She was complaining about the heat in her apartment and being sweaty:
Me: “You know Sarah, I try to keep things fairly clean on Tinder but all this talk is making that pretty hard…”
Her: “Making ‘it’ hard or you?”
Me: “Well played… this date is going to be fun. Fair warning -- no AC in my apartment either [smirk emoji]
Her: “Sure is 😉 I suppose you’ll have to distract me some other way”
I’ve used a similar approach a few times in the past and it always seems to turn out well. I’m not being crass or creepy (see my next point) but I am introducing the topic of sex and seeing how she reacts. If she goes along with your little scenario, it's a pretty good sign that she's into you sexually.
But you're just in the early stages, so make sure you build some comfort first!
Don’t be creepy
Leading on from my previous point, being sexual is good -- creepy is not. The difference is mostly in the timing. Starting a Tinder conversation with something sexual can instantly get you unmatched unless she's into it too.
If you open with a comment about the size of your manhood or how you want to see her naked, you’re unmatched. Likewise, if you’re trying to force every conversation to be sexual, it’s not attractive.
Instead, feel the conversation out and learn when it’s appropriate. You can start with some clever innuendo to test the waters. If she’s open to it, she’ll keep that theme going. If not, she might change the topic or ignore your comment.
Regardless, it’s a good way to see where she’s at without putting yourself out there too much. If she seems into it, keep escalating and see where things go!
No pen pals
Have you ever seen the phrase “I’m not looking for a pen pal…” in a woman’s bio? She’s written that because she’s tired of guys matching with her and just wanting to chat on Tinder forever.
They don’t escalate at any of the opportunities along the way. Eventually, the conversation goes stale.
Avoiding this problem is simple. Once you’ve decided you’re interested in her, wait for a time that feels right and exchange phone numbers.
This is the next logical step in the process. If she’s into you too, she’ll be just as excited to do that. It keeps things fresh and takes you a big step closer to date No. 1.
Getting the timing right just takes practice. Usually, it’s when the conversation is in full swing and you both seem engaged. Before things have a chance to wind down, you can make your first move.
All you need to do is tell her she seems fun and ask her to text you. If she does, things are looking up.
Leave some mystery for the dates
Getting to know someone new is half the fun of dating. Getting to know them properly is something that happens in the dating phase.
This is good because you get to understand their personality and common traits. This can put some of the potentially negative things into context, which is important.
If you go dumping all of your cards on the table in the Tinder conversation, the mystery is gone. Even worse, some of those things might raise a red flag for her and she has no context. It’s a risky game that kills half the fun.
No matter what, never talk about your ex this early on. No good conversation ever started with “My ex…”.
If you can learn to combine these things, knowing how to fly on Tinder will be a breeze. Keep it light, fun and engaging and learn good timing. Everything else will follow.