Are you a shy or introverted guy, and you’re not having the kind of success with women as you want? Do you feel you should be putting yourself out there in the dating game, but you’re not sure it’s worth the time, money, and hassle?
These days, more and more people are turning to dating apps for their romantic and sexual needs. For shy, academic, or zero-social-life men, they might seem like the best solution—when they’re actually not.
Don’t get me wrong—dating apps are fine. But if you focus all (or even just most) of your dating efforts online, you’ll be settling for a much blander, much less rewarding love life. And worst of all—if you’re thinking of finding “the one” online, sorry to disappoint you—it’s going to be an uphill battle.
So let me save you a few years of your life by spoiling the ending. In this article, I’ll show you why dating apps are “good, but not good enough” for guys like you, and why you absolutely must put yourself out there to meet the right women.
The good news? It’s easier than you might think. Let’s dive right in.
Why Putting Yourself Out There Will Improve Your Dating Life
Like almost everyone else, I used dating apps quite a bit during the pandemic. Here are the five lessons I learned that led me to write this article for my fellow shy guys:
Lesson #1: Dating apps require you to be extremely good-looking
If you’re not very attractive, you won’t get much out of dating apps. You’d be on your profile(s) for hours a week, getting few matches for your efforts. As it turns out, most women will only match and message with the top 10% most attractive men on the platform. The rest get the scraps.
Meanwhile, putting yourself out there means women will discover your attractiveness in other areas besides your looks. They’ll especially feel drawn to:
- Your confidence
- Your intelligence
- Your calmness and composure
- Your wit
- Your sexuality
The real world is a much more level playing field, if you ask me.
Lesson #2: You probably won't meet "The One" online
While there are success stories about people who met “the one” online, they’re the exception rather than the rule. Let’s face it—most people go on dating apps to hook up with attractive strangers, not to find their future spouses. And women are no exception.
So if you’re just looking for hookups, dating apps are good. If you’re looking for something more, you’ll likely be disappointed.
Lesson #3: The better women out there don't use online dating
Here’s another reason why you should be putting yourself out there: Quality.
Of course, many other women I know do it all the time. Want to know which group consisted of higher-quality women—that is, those who made better lovers, girlfriends, and spouses?
The first group—the ladies who thought dating apps were icky.
Lesson #4: The competition online is wild
In most dating apps and sites today, there are more male users than female users—sometimes even twice more. This is what I meant by an uphill battle—you’ll be competing with droves of other men for the attention of a small pool of women.
If you’ve ever tried dating apps and got near-zero responses from women, now you know why. The odds are simply stacked against you.
Lesson #5: Texting is weak communication
Lastly, online messaging is poor for building rapport. The women you meet in dating apps won’t see you smile, hear your tone of voice, or see your body language. Unless you know the rules of online dating, all they’ll see are words and emojis on a screen.
Meanwhile, when you put yourself out there, your first interaction with women is so much richer. Smiles, laughter, banter, rapport, and genuine emotional connection—these form the foundation of a real relationship, don’t you think?
These lessons led me to the conclusion I’m sharing with you now. Online dating is great for hookups and quantity dating—so if that’s what you want, go for it.
On the other hand, if you’re looking for quality women and quality relationships—the type people write novels about—then you must start putting yourself out there.
How exactly do you do that? Let me show you.
How to Put Yourself Out There if You're the Reserved Type
If you’re the shy or reserved type of guy, you might think that to be successful with women, you have to be an “alpha male.” In other words, you got to be one of those boisterous, domineering types. That’s hardly the case.
While you can turn yourself into an alpha male (any guy can), you actually don’t need to—and in many cases, you don’t want to be. That’s because you might be playing to your weaknesses instead of your strengths if you do.
Are you the smart, academic type of guy? Or are you the deep, philosophical type? Or maybe a bit of both?
You’ll be surprised—you have many traits that women absolutely love, even if they’re not alpha male traits. Unfortunately, if you don’t put yourself out there, you’ll be robbing the ladies of your charms for a long, long time.
Let’s change that, shall we?
Here are a couple of personas to consider cultivating as you go out there and meet women in the real world:
#1: The “Cool, Calculating” Guy
This is perfect if you’re the smart, academic type of guy. Read this carefully: Mystery is your new best friend. Your goal is to reinvent yourself into the guy who’s always in the background, always cool and composed, and yet always has the solution to any problem.
To do that, work on developing the following social skills:
- Let women discover you little by little. Bite back the temptation to reveal everything about you all at once. Instead, just ride the conversation and enrich it with your personal experiences and insights.
- Don’t be boring. Sorry to say, but we bookish types tend to be stimulated by academic topics—which, unfortunately, don’t make for pleasant conversations on dates. Try this instead: Let her talk about what interests her, and egg her along with questions and clarifications.
- Be smooth. If you’ve always seen manliness and sexuality as bad things, it’s time to change that. Get comfortable with your masculinity because it’s precisely what women are attracted to the most. Opposites attract, and the more comfortable you are with your manliness, the more comfortable she’ll be with her femininity.
- Chill out. One of your strongest traits is the ability to analyze and solve problems. That’s extremely useful in a dating situation, where you quickly learn that certain words, actions, and decisions lead to better outcomes than others.
- Learn about the dating game like you’d learn a new science. Contrary to what you might think, dating isn’t something you “wing”. Instead, there are patterns to analyze and exploit—as with any other science.
It might surprise you to learn that dating is a science in that you can discover what women want and don’t want. Once you realize that, everything becomes ten times easier.
#2: The “Mysterious Stranger”
Meanwhile, this persona will suit you if you’re the deep, meditative, introspective type of guy. Your most attractive trait is the ability to communicate in a language women can understand—and that is the language of emotion.
You can—and should—hone that trait by doing the following:
- Learn the art of holding deep conversations. Try this: Alternate periods of small talk and banter with periods of deep, personal bonding. It builds rapport and trust like nothing else.
- Emotionally connect with women with topics like spirituality and literature. Very few men out there are in touch with their spiritual sides, so women will see you as a real gem.
- Relax. Learn to stay in a calm, steady state no matter how wild your environment is. The less bothered you are by things outside your control, the more attractive you are to women.
- Learn to be non-judgmental. Women are sexual beings every bit as much as we are—perhaps even more. Always take the opportunity to make them realize they don’t need to put up an act when they’re with you.
Of course, nothing’s stopping you from creating a combination of the two personas—one that suits your personality, style, and goals for dating more perfectly.
No matter what you do, though, remember: If it’s true love you’re looking for, dating apps won’t cut it. You must be putting yourself out there. If you’ve never done it before, or if you’re currently recovering from a bad dating experience, here’s our guide to getting yourself together.
Now that you know how to put yourself out there for dating, go ahead and have fun. I know you will—and so will the girls you meet.