Looking back on over a decade of experience there are 10 lessons I've learned that will help most guys get a lot better with women. These are lessons that I learned the hard way that you don't have to. Learn from my mistakes and save years of effort. You have probably already learned some of these lessons but it's unlikely you know them all.
These are my top lessons:
My Top Lessons On How To Get Better With Women
Read through these and take note:
1. IF YOU DON'T USE IT, YOU LOSE IT
As I mentioned above, I was in a monogamous relationship for much of 2008. It ended badly. There I was, a master of female psychology, a world-class pimp, and I thought I'd found a girl worth trading in all the other girls. It turned out her tongue wasn't made of roses and her skin wasn't gilded in gold. She was flesh and bone, blood and water: just another girl. I'd been teaching guys how to see women for who they really, really were, and I had been duped by a “10” with a great cover story. I felt like a fool and a failure.
I took that feeling into my encounters with new women, and my game was trash because of it. The next few months were not pretty. Starting over a decade ago, the pendulum swung the other way, and I was back in the saddle in a way even my pre-relationship self would envy. What I experienced, that slump after a serious relationship, wasn't weird. It's typical of any guy who learns this stuff and finds himself weeks or months or years away.
2. NOTHING TEACHES LIKE APPROACHING
Unlike a lot of guys fretting over their love lives, I had my past experiences to fall back on when I hit my slump. Even still, I couldn't knowledge my way out of my unplanned celibacy. What finally helped me was approaching. A lot. I had to make the time.
No one likes getting shot down by the women they desire, so avoiding that is a pretty easy choice for most smart people. Thankfully the reward for practicing this skill - for daring to fail - is the height of human physical sensation! There is no way to get around the need for practice. Books can be a neato look at the world of dating, or it can be a life-changing textbook for your relationships with women. The key is real-world practice to help develop your natural game.
3. SEX IS EASY
Don't let anyone tell you differently. It's easy to make fun of standard female dating advice, "Just be confident!" but there is a ring of truth there. If you are at ease with yourself and unapologetic in your sexuality and your approach, you can get laid. A lot.
Many of our students attend workshops not looking for a mere port in the storm but to start making real choices in their sex partners. When my slump ended, I started getting a lot of solicitations for sex from random girls. But they weren't always the quality I wanted. And that's why I will forever be grateful for my initial boot camp.
It just isn't that hard to find someone who will have sex with you, so the real question is whom do you wish to share the gift of YOUR sex?
4. COME FROM A PLACE OF ABUNDANCE
One of the main concepts we teach at BeyondAges is pre-selection by women: the notion that you spend a lot of time around beautiful women, beautiful women are normal to you, and you expect beautiful women to be attracted to you. If you're just learning this stuff or you are on the fence about taking a Bootcamp, your results with the women you desire will improve by simply talking about your beautiful ex-girlfriends (tactfully, please).
But, that's only part of it. See, as much as pre-selection is attractive, neediness is female kryptonite - that is, neediness will repel a woman like crazy. When I relearned game, the better I did the better I did. Whatever you can do to balance a healthy display of indifference and affection, that is what you must do to attract the women you desire. The more you feel dissatisfied with the place women have in your life, the more dissatisfied the women in your life will be with you.
5. HAVE SOMETHING ELSE GOING ON
While the cold approach is probably one of the most useful skills a man can learn, it doesn't make the man. Getting her alone is half the battle. We teach our students how to show women how attractive they are. But the real meat of the course is in learning how to actually become more attractive and explaining the underlying reasons for those attraction-causing characteristics in a way that can motivate the student to become a better person, a person who is fulfilling the unspoken promise he's making to all potential lovers: I am worth the risk of STDs/impregnation, worth the mental energy, worth the time it took you to shave.
I have a reputation for my ability to create powerful, deep rapport with women, when the bar is a memory and the bedroom is a glimmer in the distance, my conversation dives and weaves through a wide array of interests. Enthusiasm is contagious. Sharing those things you're interested in and the things going on in your life will make you more attractive.
6. EVERYONE'S A PERSON
This world is a big place. There are so many places to see and so many people to meet. Try for a second to consider the sheer diversity of people walking around, the people who grew up in communes or cults or in vastly different sexual orientations or languages from your own. It's humbling and stultifying. Every single person is an opportunity to see the world through a more honest lens... even if (let's be honest) the person you meet turns out to be a turd.
This might sound touchy-feely. But your pal Future is nothing if not results-oriented. For one thing, it's with this in mind that I make a beeline for comfort and get the somewhat insane results that inspired Breakthrough Comfort. But, if you suffer from approach anxiety, it helps to remember that everyone, even the most beautiful woman, is just another person, just another bag of fear and desire, and to bow to worry about who he or she might be is to deny yourself the chance to mingle with a spirit that might enhance your own, and ultimately find a great girl.
7. DEFINE YOUR PRIORITIES
I feel strongly that the main place guys go wrong after they learn the basics is qualification, i.e. the stage when the man expresses interest in the girl based on her qualifications. It's normal for guys to come to BeyondAges because they want to sleep with beautiful women. But the nature of our product assures that the completion of that goal is only the beginning. As you get better, you will either develop standards for yourself or you will find yourself well-bedded and asking why you're still annoyed with your results.
Whatever else you do, make sure you follow your own standards, your own priorities. Don't let anyone else tell you what is beautiful to you or what kind of woman you should want. A real man chooses his own path, and it's all about helping guys get the girls they want, not the girls everyone else wants, however often those two things intersect. Strive to reach a point where "what have you got going for you more than your looks?" is more than a line but an essential criteria for you to bless this new person with your time.
8. DESIGN A LIFE
As I said above, mastery of the cold approach is a laudable goal. But eventually, it becomes tiresome to hunt for new girls. The only thing you can never get back in this life is time, and if you are spending your valentines day like a panther slavering for meat any longer than it takes you to master that hunt, you are squandering the awesome gift of your humanity.
When you have discovered where your priorities lie with women, you come from a place of abundance, and you chase your interests beyond girls, your next goal should be to design a life in which you are naturally in the trajectory of the women you desire. This might mean planning parties, sponsoring charity events, promoting clubs, or producing movies. It will be different for every person. But, few things are more powerful than status, and once you have a knack for cold approach you should start to work on establishing a network of people where you can act as a social nexus.
9. DON'T LIE
This might be news to some and obvious to others. I have a story I'm fond of telling where I went from meeting to bedding a girl with a phony British accent. While it's funny in the retelling (very funny, actually, hence my retelling it here), it's not my finest moment. I have gone through every possible iteration of using stock routines and bending the truth.
At BeyondAges, we teach how to attract and get the girl, and we teach all kinds of fun lines and techniques. But the most important part of what we teach is how to look at yourself honestly and genuinely become a more attractive, interesting person. The only reason to lie to a woman is because of fear, fear that the real you isn't going to cut it. That's a load of crap (cf. #3). It's not our job at BeyondAges to teach anyone basic morality. But if you get a girl under false pretenses, you are setting yourself up for hurt in the long run.
10. LOVE IS WORTH IT
I can't speak for every instructor. But I'm still eager and optimistic to experience the next amazing woman, even though my relationship with my girlfriend ended badly. If anything, my monogamous adventure made me more eager to rub souls with someone else. And, it gave me clarity. The only thing worth a damn in this world is the ability to operate at your most powerful level so you can give that self away over and over and over again.
Whatever your reasons for doing this, it all works finally to make you strong enough as a person to give your love away, endlessly, day after day, in whatever way serves you and your loved ones at the apex of your abilities. I'm not saying anyone intrinsically needs a single, monogamous relationship. I'm still undecided on that. I only say that whatever you need in your core, my job is to teach you how to have the balls to chase it down relentlessly (i.e. to love) and have a ton of fun in the process!
Rejoining our team has been even more exciting than when I was first invited into the company. Our lead instructors are unquestionably the best in their fields, the vanguard of dating science teachers and a brotherhood without peer. Our junior instructors, to a man, would be the head guys at any other company. They're that good.
While I am eager to share the insights I have gained as my understanding of dating science has evolved, I am simultaneously humbled and motivated by the sheer skill, talent, and knowledge my colleagues bring to the field. I don't know if my reappearance is a catalyst for anyone to take a boot camp or read a book. But if it is, you won't be sorry. Coming at this again from an outsider's perspective, I see again that we are truly doing missionary work, picking up the slack where society, the media, and our male relatives have misled or failed us. I am honored to have a place back at the table.
It's good to be home.