Is it possible to be in love but not attracted to someone? If that’s how you feel towards that special someone right now, is there something wrong with you? Or is it normal, and there’s something you can do about it?
Let me skip to the answer before we dive into the rest of this article: Yes, it’s normal. In fact, it’s more common than you think.
The bad news? Even if it’s normal, it can still cause complications for your relationship. And if you’re not careful, it can cause the breakup of an otherwise good and happy relationship.
So while it’s normal, it pays to understand it and know what to do with it. And that’s what this article will be all about.
Are you in love, but not attracted to your partner? What’s really going on? What does it mean to you? And most importantly: What must you do?
Let’s dive right in.
Can You Be In Love But Not Attracted?
So can you love someone and not be attracted to them at the same time?
Again, the answer is "Yes," but that doesn't mean it’ll be smooth sailing for your relationship from here. It’s still a problem that needs solving. And you’ll need to understand what’s really going on to know what to do.
It all starts with knowing the difference between:
Physical attraction vs emotional attraction
Quick disclaimer: There are more than two types of attraction out there. For simplicity’s sake, and for the purposes of this article and its attempt to solve your problem, we’ll round them all up to two different types: Physical and emotional.
First up: Physical attraction is all the magnetism you feel towards another person’s outward appearance. Certain physical attributes trigger feelings of romance and sexual attraction towards that individual, while other attributes decrease it.
Needless to say, physical attraction is the first impression we all make on people of the opposite sex. And yet it’s not the only impression we make.
Once we get to know someone better, we open ourselves to the second type of attraction: Emotional.
Emotional attraction is the feeling of being “in love” with a person. You’re enthralled by their charm, character, personality, intelligence, goals, etc. And these are all attributes of the other person that go well beyond their outward appearance.
Emotional attraction is much more powerful than physical attraction. It’s enough to make you discard and forget everything else—your goals in life, your beliefs, your mental discipline, and so on.
You’re in love with them. You want them. Period. That’s how it feels, right?
Now, if you’re in love but not attracted to a person, then it’s clear. Your mental attraction towards them vastly overshadows the physical attraction.
And as nice as that might sound, it’s not all good news.
How Can You Be In Love But Not Sexually Attracted?
The most obvious answer is this: they're simply not physically attractive for you. Maybe they’re overweight, or underweight, or too short, or too tall—whatever it is, they simply don’t fit your mental description of an attractive person.
Despite it all, you’ve learned they have such a beautiful heart, mind, and/or soul. And it’s so special that you find yourself wanting to be in a closer relationship with them. And everything else flies out the window, including your standards for what your “ideal partner” should be like.
Now, why is that bad?
Here’s the answer: Complacency. It’s one of the biggest hidden threats that all relationships, even good and happy ones, face.
I’m sorry to burst your bubble, but even if you love each other very much, it’s not a guarantee your relationship will last forever. Contrary to popular belief, love is not all you need.
The dangers of being in love but not attracted
This is especially dangerous for men. When a guy is madly in love with a woman, he tends to “pedestalize” her in his mind. Every little thing she does is amazing to him, and he’s ready and willing to forgive any faults she might have.
And when it comes to making decisions in the relationship, he tends to go with whatever she prefers.
On the surface, he might look sweet and attentive. Deeper down, though, it’s the woman who’s “wearing the pants” in the relationship—and that leads to trouble.
Over time, she loses respect over her absolute doormat of a boyfriend and soon after falls out of love. This is natural—after all, she can’t love someone she can’t respect.
And by the way: This happens to women as well, but for men, it happens ten times more often. That’s why it’s especially dangerous for the fellas.
But that’s just the first danger. Here’s the second one:
The curse of losing attraction
Yes, it’s possible to be physically attracted to your partner in the beginning, but then lose it over time. You still love them, and you’d still do anything to make the relationship work. You just lost sexual attraction to your partner—and it’s bothering you.
How do you fix the problem? One of the first things you should do is to check whether it’s a relationship issue or a health issue.
Here’s how to tell. Ask yourself: Are you still attracted to other people besides your partner?
- If “no,” then you might be suffering from a health issue that’s robbed you of your sex drive. In this case, you’ll want to see a doctor about it—and the sooner, the better.
- If “yes,” then it is a relationship issue. And that’s something you’ll need to address with the tips later in this article.
Make no mistake: It’s always better to be both physically and emotionally attracted to your partner. It multiplies the strength and quality of your relationship over the years.
That said, losing your sex drive towards your partner by itself won't necessarily ruin your relationship. What will ruin it is the hidden underlying cause. That’s why it’s important to get to the bottom of the problem fast.
So if your missing sex drive is a relationship issue, what should you do? There’s quite a bit of ground to cover, so let’s get to it:
What to Do if You're Not Sexually Attracted to Your Partner
You’ll want to do these four things as soon as you can:
- Check for any resentment between you and your partner
- Inject more humor and affection into your relationship
- Break contact with any flings and exes you might have
- Talk to your partner about the problem
Let’s take a look at each one in turn:
Tip #1: Check for any lingering resentment
Has your partner said or done something that you resent? Are you currently holding a grudge? Is there something you want to get off your chest, but you’re holding it in because you don’t want to “rattle the cage” or potentially make things worse?
Hopefully, there’s no lingering resentment poisoning your relationship with your partner. But if there is, it’s best to address it as soon as you can.
Tip #2: More humor and affection
Any relationship will be made better and more enjoyable with more humor. Tease your partner, tell fun stories, joke around, and chase each other around the house. These little moments mean so much more than words.
Likewise, it helps to consciously be more affectionate with your partner. Force yourself to become sweeter and be more playful—even to the point of being cheesy if that’s what it takes. There’s no need to be so prim and proper with the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, right?
Tip #3: Break contact with flings and exes
Have you been in recent contact with any old flings and ex-partners? If so, break contact with them as soon as possible. Delete their numbers on your phone and block them on social media. Do whatever it takes to cut ties.
Having these “ways out” of your relationship leads to complacency, which you now know to be one of the biggest hidden relationship killers out there. Give yourself no way out and commit to making your current relationship—the one you chose—work.
Tip #4: Talk to your partner
The worst thing you can do is to not talk about the problem, either pretending it doesn’t exist or that “maybe it’ll go away on its own.” While you’re waiting, the clock is ticking, and your relationship is dying by the minute.
Talk to your partner about the problem. Figure out what it is that made you lose your attraction to them in the first place. It’s possible that you’ve been together for so long that you’ve forgotten how to be romantic towards each other. Maybe you just need to spice things up in the bedroom. It’s also possible that you just need to get away from your typical routine: go on vacation, go on a fun date, try something new together.
It’ll be easier to find the solutions—and put them into play—when there’s two of you instead of just one.
And that’s it. To summarize: Losing your physical or sexual attraction toward your partner isn’t an automatic death sentence. There are ways to find the underlying cause and even more ways to address it and bring back the sizzle.
The key is to get started, and this article has given you everything you need to do just that. Good luck!