You like her and she knows. She's also clearly into you. But the minute you try to take your relationship further, she pulls away as if she doesn't care about you. It's an age-old thing that women do. But it makes you wonder: is she playing hard to get?
It's frustrating when the woman you like seems to keep pushing you away even when she very obviously likes you too. You might even interpret it as her not liking you the same way at all. So What is the difference between being disinterested and playing hard to get? Why do women do this when it's so much easier to just give in to the attraction?
If any of the above sounds familiar then, don’t worry, you’re in the right place.
Anyone who has his fair share of dates knows that some women like to be chased by playing hard to get. In this article, I’ll show you how to spot it when a woman is playing hard to get and what to do in order to flip it on her.
Why Do Women Play Hard to Get?
Claiming that you know the real motive behind someone's behavior is totally naïve. People are complex. We are more complex than anyone can even expect or guess, and that’s why you should take your time before accusing a girl of playing hard to get.
Below are the main reasons some women like to play games with you:
1. She has low self-esteem
Sometimes women play hard to get when they feel intimidated by the guy or when they doubt his intentions.
Maybe she thinks you’re too good to be true (sounds like a joke, but it does happen). You surpass her in terms of looks and/or status that she wonders why the hell you preferred her over other women.
Or maybe her failed relationships taught her to bring her guard up and keep her playful feminine tendencies in check to avoid being hurt.
2. She’s buying time to assess her options
As they grow old, women realize that they don’t have enough time before both their beauty and fertility drop to a level that can’t compete with a new tribe of hot 18-23 y/o girls. She may not say it out loud, but deep down they know it, and also know that they can’t afford to waste their prime on the wrong guy…
So, they start weighing their options and avoid committing to a specific guy until they really know that he's worth being with for the long haul.
She will focus on one target, play hard to get with the rest and keep them at arm’s length hoping that she can either secure her top choice or that one of her lurkers steps up and proves to be worthier of her than the rest.
It's a simplified way of putting it, but it happens all the time. You’ll do the same thing if you get plenty of options. So don’t hate the game or the player and learn to either step up and be the best version of you, or walk away and refuse to be benched for some other dude.
3. She’s keeping you for validation
How hungry for sex will you be if you haven’t had any in a year – not even masturbated?
Horny level: Burj Khalifa.
That’s how women feel about attention. They crave it the same way men crave sex, and the more they get addicted to it, the more they will do anything to keep it, including playing hard to get and showing some sporadic affection to keep a guy around.
4. Or to gain control over you
This is common among dominant, type-A women or the so-called “alpha woman.” She likes you, but she doesn’t want to give you power over her by admitting that she’s falling for you. So she pulls away from time to time to make you chase her.
Personally, this is a sign for me to look elsewhere. A woman – no matter how cold - can be affectionate and all lovey-dovey around the right guy. So if she can’t seem to find her passionate feminine self around you then you’re either the wrong guy or better off saving your energy for the right gal.
Your best experiences with women will be with those who value a genuine connection over control.
5. She’s testing you
Probably this is the gem of this entire post, because most guys don’t have a clue about what I’m about to say. In fact, most guys who are wondering, "is she playing hard to get?" usually realize that it's all a test. Ready for a revelation?
As I said before, each woman wants to be with the best guy her looks can get her so she will always test you – even way after you marry her – just to make sure she chose the right guy…
And one of her tests is becoming distant either before or slightly after you become a couple.
To her, playing hard to get serves two purposes:
1) She makes sure her feelings for you are real.
2) She sees how’d you react
If she misses you while playing hard to get or if she watches you stay icy and unaffected by her sudden coldness then she will know she made the right decision and she’ll be even more affectionate again.
If you misbehave, however, and show behaviors like panicking, becoming needy or clingy, showering her with gifts for no reason, or questioning her emotions for you, she'll drop you like a hot potato and move on to another guy.
6. Or maybe it’s avoidance
A big portion of hard-to-get women has intimacy issues. The idea of being abandoned again scares the living crap out of her to the level of pushing you away the moment she feels something towards you.
She wants you, that much is true. But she doesn't want to risk being abandoned. This can be due to issues from her childhood (e.g. absent parents) or from past relationships where her exes dumped her out of the blue.
Is She Playing Hard to Get?
Now that I showed you why some women like to play hard to get with you, it’s time to show you the signs to look for. Here are the top ones:
1. If you pull, she’ll push
Probably the biggest sign that a woman is playing hard to get with you. Whether she’s chasing your validation or sees you as a lover, she still doesn’t want to risk losing you – unless she really has other valuable options – and she will try to pull you.
It differs from one woman to another. Some will be flirtatious and may even go all the way to kissing/making out with you. Others will just stop at being chatty over the phone or sending you a good morning text.
2. She doesn’t mind meeting up, but still won’t commit to any serious plans
Women aren’t confrontational – at least the majority of them. One out of every 10 women has enough guts to tell you she can’t date you the moment she realizes she can’t love you.
The other nine will either give you hints as to why you should leave them alone OR will enjoy keeping you as an ego booster. Those are the ones who’ll text you back and forth and tell you they’re open to meeting you but will come up with lame excuses right before the date. She'll flake on you, but she won't outright tell you to get lost.
She can’t tell you to get lost because she loves the attention but also won’t meet you because she has more important things to do.
3. She purposely makes you jealous
Some women play hard to get by being overtly flirtatious with other men in front of you. She wants you to know she has options and that you either step up, play by her rules or she’ll bounce.
A little jealousy can help a relationship thrive when given in the right doses. But if she's making you jealous as a way to manipulate you, then yes, she's playing hard to get. But she's also showing how manipulative she can be.
4. She plays the intimacy card
Is she playing hard to get using sex? How many times did you hear a girl saying she doesn’t sleep with guys on first dates only to find out later that she’s on some Chad’s booty-call list?
Women hate being called sluts. It’s been against their reproductive plan for thousands of years. She’ll throw fake rules at you, especially if she thinks you’re boyfriend-material just to avoid being humped and dumped by every dude she goes on a date with.
So on the bright side, she may see you as a potential serious boyfriend, meaning you have a real chance with her. But on the other hand, using sex as a tool to assess you isn't exactly the healthiest behavior, is it?
5. She doesn’t text first
Three types of women who’ll text you first:
A) A girl who likes you
B) A girl who wants a favor
C) A girl on Bumble (because that’s how the app works)
If you catch yourself initiating most of the conversations with her then she either doesn’t like you that much or is playing hard to get.
So, how should you do when a girl you just met online plays hard to get?
Expect flakiness from any woman you didn't sleep with multiple times (and she liked it)
Humans are flakey. Even you, the cool dude reading this article, have flaked on your buddies/girls/family a few times this week. And it's not something you should be ashamed of.
We all have the right to set our priorities the way we see fit. For a woman who gets loads of attention from guys every day, you're nothing but a few pixels and a phone number on some app that she uses for fun. The moment something better or more important comes, she'll flake on you, not because either of you is bad, but because you're nowhere near the top of her priority list (yet).
Accept the female nature the way it is and learn not to put your hopes up whenever a hot girl shows interest in you. Be stoic with whatever girls give you: stay icy, text other women, put your eggs in different baskets, and see how it goes. If she comes back, cool, and if she doesn't, you move on.
But don't let your ego screw you over too
One of my clients used to have this vindictive attitude when a girl stops texting him. Instead of investigating why he stopped texting him, he'd treat it with an angry, "fuck it. Her loss" attitude.
Deep down, he believed he wasn't good enough for her, so he took the first sign of disinterest to reaffirm that belief.
Instead of thinking that she might've been busy, sick, depressed, dead, etc, he chose to believe he wasn't worthy.
Once I made him see things in a new way, I made him do two things:
Write down the top 5 reasons a woman would love to be with him
Fit, successful, funny, spoke five languages, good in bed, etc. Remind yourself why you're a catch and why you don't deserve to be strung along for the sake of her mind games.
All too often, guys get caught up with trying to "win" the girl that they forget that they're wasting their time and resources on a woman who just wants some fun. For the short-term, sure, it can be fun. But in the long run? It's all one winding road towards frustration.
Re-engage every girl who stopped texting with a cool, short text
Surprisingly, at least half of them were down to meet again, or schedule a first date with him. Some of them even thought he was the one who stopped texting him.
But what about the other half?
I told him not to text them again and move on. As a man who respects himself, you must surround yourself with women who also want you. You want someone who really thinks you're the shit rather than a girl who'll berate your ass for not being as good as her bestie's boyfriend. The first will make you happy, whereas the second will make you constantly question your worth.
With all the tips we mentioned above, what have you concluded? Is she playing hard to get or is she just not that into you? Let us know how it goes in the comments below!