When it comes to flirting and making new contacts with women, the coffee shop can be just as successful as the bar. However, knowing how to start a conversation in a coffee shop is completely different than knowing how to talk to women in bars. The required skill set, the approach and, above all, the topics are completely different.
The most obvious advantage of a bar is lowered inhibition. After something to drink, we’re all a little more sociable. On the flip side, though, a conversation started in a coffee shop is less intimidating. In fact, if you know the right techniques, a coffee shop can be much easier than a bar for meeting someone.
Learn how to start a conversation in a coffee shop without being rejected
Getting results from talking to women in coffee shops is all about experience and authenticity (find out how to be confident dating older women). Practice makes perfect but you don’t want to indiscriminately aim your attention like you're discharging a shotgun. A coffee shop can be the best place to meet women, but if you get recognized as a pest, it’ll be over before you even get started.
Don’t worry, though, because learning how to start a conversation in a coffee shop isn’t rocket science. Follow these simple steps and you’ll find it’s the easiest thing you’ve ever done.
Identify the situation
Coffee shops are just one of our favorite places to meet older women. You need to recognize the three different types of coffee shops: the take-out coffee shop, the evening coffee shop, and the hangout. Depending on where you are, you’ll need to modify your approach.
In the take out coffee shop, it’s all about a quick line – no introductions – just a funny observation. In the evening coffee shop, where women are sitting around tables, you’re going to use a more bar-like approach. Finally, in the hangout, where the same people come regularly, you’ll need a long game. This is all about building up your reputation and becoming part of the scenery.
In this guide, we’ll concentrate on the second two scenarios.
Make eye contact
By far the easiest route into a good conversation with a woman is mutual attraction. A lot of guys find the right amount of eye contact a real challenge. Too long and she’ll think you’re a creep; too little and she’ll assume you’re not interested.
However, determining who finds you attractive is hard. Clearly, you’ll naturally be looking at women you find gorgeous. But obviously striking women – pretty, slim, long hair – are used to having men stare at them all day. They tend to avoid eye contact. This means you should employ the roving eye. Get comfortable, pick your position and look around you. You might be surprised to find who looks back when you’re least expecting it.
Also, a sure-fire way to spot signs that she wants to talk with you.
Know when to say hello
Once you’ve had sustained eye contact from her for a few seconds, or repeated glances, it’s time to make your approach. Watch out for false leads, where she’s thinking of something else and you just happen to wander into her line of sight. If she’s looking at you and then does a double take and looks away, don’t approach.
If she’s been looking at you for a few seconds, try a half smile. Not an ear to ear grin, but a nice, soft smile. If she smiles back, it’s time to go. Count to five to let her compose herself, get up and go over and introduce yourself. Just tell her your name and offer her an opener.
“Do we know each other? You look really familiar?”
This is a great way to start a conversation with a girl.
She’ll probably say you don’t. But this means you two can compare facts and find out more about each other.
Make her comfortable
If you’re in an evening or hangout coffee shop, the conversation will be longer than in a take-out line. To set this up, you’ve got to make sure she’s feeling safe with you right from the beginning.
Other guides will tell you that the way to do this is with a compliment. In reality, it’s not. Women get compliments fired at them all day long, which is why many appear to be unable (or unwilling) to take them. Most compliments are insincere.
To make her comfortable, you should keep the conversation neutral. You should also use it to showcase yourself. Offer up tidbits of information about yourself with lines like, “What do you think of this place? I come here a lot because it’s right around the corner from my office.”
This will open up avenues for questions about your job that she’ll want answered. It will keep her talking. You can use this as an opportunity to show that you are a good conversationalist.
Be there but don’t be a pest
A lot of women choose coffee shops to do some work or take a break. If the focus of your interest is working on her computer, don’t go over unless she’s really giving you the signals first. The quickest way to get yourself blacklisted by her and other women in the area is to disturb her.
Similarly, if she’s reading or writing, don’t go over and tease her to try to break the ice. Don’t say, “Why are you reading that boring book instead of talking to me?” That’s just annoying and selfish. Instead, stay on the periphery. If she gets bored and starts looking around, you’ll be there. Ideally, you'll have a few topics ready to talk about.
Ask her permission to sit down
If you start chatting at the coffee bar or her table, after a few questions and answers it’s time to ask to join her. This does four things, it shows her you like her and would like to spend more time talking. It also shows you’re polite while establishing a connection. Additionally, it lets you open up more and move the conversation forward. That should keep the conversation going.
Ask interesting questions
Hopefully you know the important distinction between “open” and “closed” questions. Open questions are nice, conversation-bolstering fuel. Closed questions can be answered with a curt, “Yes” or “No.”
Even better, get philosophical talking about deep topics. Try asking her something like the following:
“If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or the body of a 25-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?”
These kinds of questions have been shown to help develop intimacy.
Have a long-term strategy
While you’re chatting you should be able to work out what your chances are of seeing her here again. If you realize she comes here a lot, playing the long game is statistically going to work out better for you.
Getting to know her in the safe neutral space of the coffee shop will help build her attraction. You shouldn’t be too quick to ask her to go elsewhere. Why ask her out to a bar when you’re already doing so well here?
Seize your chance
On the other hand, if you realize she’s unlikely to come in again, you’ll want to get her number or arrange a date. You probably knew before you went over you wanted to ask her out, but timing is everything. You don’t want to miss your cue.
First, it’s about asking on a high point in the conversation – even if that means artificially creating a reason for leaving. After she’s given you a warm laugh, you might say, “I’d really like to carry on talking to you but I have to get back to the office. Can I get your number?”
Create your high point
Understanding how to start a conversation in a coffee shop with a woman is all about psychology. The same is true of asking girls out. If you’ve ever worked in sales, you’ve probably heard the theory of the three asks (i.e. asking three times). The underlying logic goes something like this: the first no is automatic, the second is confirmation and only on the third ask do people think deeper.
The same is true with asking a girl out. But you don’t want her to say no, not even once. You want her just to think about her answer three times. To do this you can talk about a new restaurant in town. This will be a hint you’re about to ask her out – but don’t. Then mention you’d like to try it out. This will register as a second ask. The third time, you actually do ask her out. By now she’s much more likely to say yes.
Be a good guy
You’ll soon learn, not every coffee shop conversation works out. Don’t let a rejection sour you. All too often, a woman turns a guy down and he immediately insults her. This only confirms her worst fear and makes her glad she said no.
If a girl says no, take it as well as you can without exclaiming it’s “her loss,” or something equally transparent. The chances are, it was just a foundational conversation. End on a good note, say thank you, and live to try another day. If she has time to consider, maybe she’ll decide she was too quick to say no – without you telling her. She’ll be the one to try again.
Whatever happens on your first try, don’t give up hope. A coffee shop really is a great place to start conversations with women. Not only is the environment more relaxed than a bar, but you can actually hear each other talk. That’s a recipe for success.