The generally accepted wisdom on bars and clubs is they are the ideal place to pick up women. However, most guys find the bar scene challenging, to say the least. There are tons of online pick-up sites that will tell you how to talk to girls at bars, but all they have are “tricks.”
Using misdirection or dishonesty to talk to a woman at a bar isn’t going to get you great results. Certainly not with the kind of women you’re interested in. Plus, tricks and lines get old quick. Try one she’s heard before and all you’re going to get is a roll of the eyes and the back of her head as she walks away.
How to talk to a woman at a bar with great results
So what do you need to say to a woman in a bar to get her interested? The answer is probably easier than you think. Bars can be great places to meet women (read about all the best places to meet older women), as a lot of great experiences start over a drink. The reason is simple: People come to bars to have fun and loosen up.
That works in your favor, but it also means the sort of conversation you’d start elsewhere won’t make sense there. What you say to a beautiful woman at the bar has to fit the environment. You need to have a routine, stay flexible and be prepared to play the long game. So let’s talk about how to talk to girls at bars.
In a bar, at least the kind where you meet women, there are usually gaggles of people and loud music too. Women stand around with their friends, assess the talent, and discuss it among themselves. This all happens long before you approach.
Essentially, you want to catch her eye and show yourself off. You need to communicate without saying a word. Some guys think good looks and nice clothes are all that’s required, but women are looking far more in your body language.
Confidence, friendliness, a good sense of humor and the respect of your friends are all cues she will look for. This translates into talking with your hands, making eye contact with the people in your group and getting laughs. It’s why guys tend to employ a wingman to make them look good. But be warned, women are excellent at knowing when you’re faking it for their benefit.
The first look and first hello
If a girl in a bar finds you attractive, she’ll start finding ways to get closer to you. This might mean moving down the bar or maneuvering towards your group. It might also be as simple as her walking past you or going out of her way as she walks to the restroom
Every time she passes you, it’s your cue to make eye contact. However, if she’s looking at you from down the bar, let her look. Only glance back once you know her eyes have been on you for some time. Many women will be too shy to try again once she knows you’ve seen her looking.
Once you’ve seen her looking at you twice, the door is open to say hello and give her a compliment. If she’s on her way around the room, this is easy. If she’s on the other end of the room, you’ll need to go to her.
How to talk to a woman at a bar: the introduction.
Depending on if you approach her or catch her on a walk past, you’ll have to use different techniques to initiate conversation. Going over means you’ve made the first move. You’ve also invaded her space, so you’ll need to be super polite to not get the cold shoulder. In this case, you’ll want to introduce yourself, simply and without unnecessary chit chat.
“Hi, I’m Tom. What’s your name?” It doesn't need to be any more complex
If she’s on her way to the Ladies and you manage to arrest her attention, you’ll want to keep it informal and light to encourage her not to walk away.
The best way to do this is with cute conversation or “banter”. Simply defined, banter is playful, friendly conversation, which doesn’t appear to have a motive. Guys do this because it gets her laughing and will make her feel relaxed.
There are quite a few conversational avenues to try: “Can you believe this music they’re playing? Makes me feel like I’m in an old people’s home!”
Or, be cheeky: “Why are you here tonight? There are absolutely no good looking guys in here!”
Self-deprecating types of lines like these work because they encourage a bit of reverse psychology in women. If you’re confident enough to make these remarks, you must be worth talking to.
Catch and release
For guys who don’t know how to talk to a woman at a bar, one of the biggest mistakes they make is trying to hang on too tight. If you’re talking to a girl and she and you are having fun, but she excuses herself, don’t beg her to stay. Definitely don’t criticize her for it. Let her go.
The walk off is a great chance to let her talk to her friends, think about you and come back deciding you’re really cool. If you insult her, you’ll have just lost your chance for good.
Let her go, but keep an eye on her. Let her know you’re still thinking about her with little winks. But make sure to keep up the body language showing you’re having fun with your group. If other girls come over, you can talk to them too. It’s fine. A little jealousy can work wonders. Just know there’s a line.
Create a picture of you and her together
Either after a little banter or once she comes back to chat to you again, it’s time to turn up the heat. In this phase you’ll want to show her you’re interested in her, but in a playful way. You can do this by talking about things she likes. This plants the idea of the two of you as a couple in her mind.
For example, you could say, “You know, we're too much alike. It would never work between us.” And when she asks why, you reply, “Because we'd never have anything to argue about and we’d have to work really hard to make the relationship a challenge.”
These kinds of conversations are very leading and they leapfrog several usual dating phases. On the one hand, she might reprimand you for being trivial. But if she likes you, even a little bit, she’ll find the idea charming.
One of the reasons we love meeting girls in bars is the setting it so casual. If you think this is always the case, though, you’re missing the bigger picture. Yes, after a couple of cocktails, women are more willing to talk to you, but they’re still looking for the same thing they’re looking for any other time. Namely, they want a good catch.
In a bar, people are less likely to ask the stock questions, such as, “Where are you from?”, “What do you do for a living?” or “Are you single/separated and do you have kids?” A bar just isn’t the place. So you need to get this information across conversationally.
Learning how to talk to girls at bars is a lot about learning what a woman wants to hear. To do this, use antidotes that offer information. Consider a form of humble-bragging: “So my boss, he’s a partner in the firm, hates my guts! Honestly, I’m a little scared of him. He can see I’m one step away for taking his job. The poor guy.”
Talking like this might sound funny, but it conveys to her that you’re successful in your job.
Anything in your life you’re proud of and would like to share with potential girlfriends can be communicated this way. It makes her feel like she got the information out of you, without you realizing.
Closing the deal
Finally, let’s talk about the reason you want to know how to talk to a woman at a bar. It’s all about getting a phone number, arranging a date and, perhaps, even continuing the night on from there.
Now, in the bar scenario, much of the flirting and chatting takes place in groups. If you want to close the deal, though, you’ll want to find some one-on-one time. If you haven’t done so already, now is the time when you offer her a drink. Throwing drinks at girls never works, but you’ll rarely get a date before you do.
Now that she has a drink in her hand, ask her if you can talk in private for a moment. You can do this with words or body language. Once you have her alone, even just a little way off from her friends, don’t beat around the bush, be honest about your intentions.
While you may be tempted to ask for her number, thinking it easier than a date, a date is more concrete. To do this, tell her that you really like her and you feel the two of you have a connection. Tell her you’d like to see her again, then offer to take her to dinner.
This will lead to her giving you her number so you can make arrangements. But once you have this, remember you need to keep making a good impression. It’s always better to carry on the conversation with the girl you like the next day when you’re both sober than waste all your good work dragging it into the night.
Mastered these techniques and you’ll know how to talk to girls in bars without sticking your foot in your mouth. Pretty soon, you'll be on the way to something more. If you do get that far, be sure you know how to date a woman over 30.