Ever tried picking up girls at the bar, failed miserably and wondered what on earth you did wrong? Most guys assume it's because they're not rich or good-looking enough--or that women only go for assholes.
In reality, it's because they're making some fundamental mistakes when speaking to the opposite sex. By eliminating these mistakes, most guys could substantially improve their chances of hooking up with a beautiful woman they've just met.
Common Mistakes to Avoid when Picking Up Girls at the Bar
Bars are a unique social setting in that there's alcohol, lots of people (ideally your age if you're at the right place) and the expectation that people will mingle. It's a lot easier than going to the gym to pick up women by a mile. And yet, why do so many men struggle with picking up girls at a bar?
Below, we list the 10 most common mistakes made by guys when picking up women at the bar.
1. Going to tacky bars
It's no secret that high-quality women party at high-quality venues. If you're going to tacky bars with no cover charge, you'll usually end up competing with a ton of guys for a few tacky women. It's like trying to pick up women at a party, but it's at some seedy dive bar in the middle of nowhere that serves bottom-of-the-barrel beer.
Perhaps that's a tad harsh, but it's rare you'll find the perfect woman you spend your weekdays fantasizing about. You're far more likely to find a drunken idiot who wants a fight because you looked at his girlfriend the wrong way.
2. Standing there passively
Most women don't want to make the first move. Many are shy or worried about looking too easy. That's why standing by the wall waiting for a woman to approach you is a bad strategy.
Perhaps you're the type who stands and waits for a “sign” from a woman before making his move. That's a step up, but you're still leaving your sex life to destiny.
Many women find it attractive when a man is brave enough to approach them with confidence. And it may give him a chance to woo her based on this. In this scenario, the better-looking dude whom she wanted to approach her is left alone nursing his beer. Don’t be that guy.
3. Not having fun or relying on bars when you’re sober
There are plenty of reasons to not enjoy nightclubs. A lot of guys still go, even when they're sober, because they figure it's the best place to find beautiful women. That's fine, as long as you’re aware that not enjoying yourself will hamper your success with hitting on women.
If you don't drink, regardless of the reason, there are better options. For starters, you can check out Single and Sober which is a great way to meet other sober people who are looking for other like-minded people to date.
A woman's main priority at the club is FUN. If you're not providing as much fun energy as her friends, she'll want nothing to do with you.
If you really struggle to have fun at the bar, bring a buddy who makes you laugh. When you’re meeting people, focus on talking about topics that you enjoy. This is an environment where you can let loose, be loud and obnoxious, and meet new people. Make the most of it.
Focus on having fun before you start trying to pick up, as faking enjoyment around beautiful women is a losing game. Mostly, it comes across as extremely see-through and try-hard.
4. Half-hearted approaches
The main reason men make half-hearted approaches in the club is damage limitation. Deep down (perhaps even subconsciously), they already believe they're going to be rejected, so they make their approach in a way that not a lot of people will notice.
They approach from the side, they're quiet, they don't maintain eye contact, they show zero persistence. Maybe they even mumble a quick line then ask for her number.
The problem is: the woman may also barely notice him. There's so much competing stimuli at the bar--DJs, loud music, friends, alcohol, smoke machines--that women will often swat timid men away without even acknowledging them.
If you’re going to approach her, give it your all. Square up. Eye contact. Smile. Loud voice. Assertive tone.
Sure, it's “high risk” in that a potential rejection will be more obvious. But a half-hearted approach is “high risk” in that it barely ever works.
5. Picking up girls at the bar with pleasant chit-chat
As mentioned, a woman's number one priority is FUN and there's a lot of competing stimuli. That means any conversation that isn’t funny, outrageous, flirtatious or otherwise awesome is unlikely to be tolerated. If you bore her out of her mind, she might just pull the "I have a boyfriend" card on you.
Polite pleasantries and small talk should be kept to a minimum. No-one cares. She didn't go to the club to talk about work, politics or whatever is in the news.
You can get to know each other, but keep it light-hearted and FUN. Tease her, make jokes or ridiculous assumptions. On top of this, add in some physical flirtation when you make a move on a girl. Perhaps this starts with light touches or playful pushes before it escalates on the dancefloor or a more secluded part of the venue. Don't make the mistake of just talking.
6. Buying her drinks
There are plenty of guys who got laid in spite of buying a woman drinks. However, this often sends the wrong message and can work against you when picking up girls at the bar.
It might suggest:
- You're trying to impress her by flaunting your money. This is often a huge turn-off.
- You feel the need to "pay for her time" because she's above you in the social hierarchy.
- You're a sucker. The type of loser that bottle rats are nice to for two minutes, so they can get a free drink and run away.
Even if you're buying her a drink just because you want to, she might get the wrong end of the stick. Put simply, you're better off not doing it.
7. Ignoring her friends
It's incredibly rare that a woman will defy friends who tell her not to go home with a guy. By default, these friends will assume you're a creepy drunk weirdo--because most guys at the bar behave this way--and will therefore try to protect their friend from you.
As such, it's your job to impress the peer group before they drag your special woman away. This is especially true when you're trying to meet women in college as the opinion of their peers matters a lot.
t's a good idea to make her friends like you before she does. Simply be your fun charismatic self without the flirting and teasing. Once the whole group likes and trusts you, it’ll be easier to drag your favorite one away for some private time.
Yet, even this might not be enough.
If she's out with only one other friend, you'll often need to find a guy to occupy her. There's no way she'll leave a friend stranded on her own to go and hook up with you. Hopefully, you're out with a buddy who is a good wingman.
If she's out in a larger group, you might have more leeway, as her friends can occupy each other. It'll be easier to isolate her from a bigger group too. But you should still put in some work to show them you're a cool trustworthy guy.
8. Going home too early before you can pick up girls at the bar
If you’re aiming to pick up women at the bar, you’ll have to bide your time. No matter how cool you are, it's unlikely she'll be going home with anyone after only an hour of being there. It probably took her two hours to get ready!
If it's before midnight (in most of Europe and the U.S) or before 3 a.m. in the likes of Spain and Italy, focus on having fun. Maybe grab phone numbers from the women you meet at this time, or prepare to put in the hours with them. After all, it's incredibly rare to pull anyone home at this stage of the night.
9. Having no plan to pull home
Your plan for picking up girls at the bar should consist of two parts: how to get home and your excuse to go there. Women want to be able to tell their friends (and convince themselves) that sex “just happened” and an excuse allows them to do that. It can be as simple as heading back to your place for a nightcap, an afterparty or to see something cool you have in your house.
Dilly-dallying with your route home will kill the spontaneous party vibe, and will often cause her to change her mind about going with you.
Without a plan, you're going to fumble a lot of opportunities with women who would have been down to hook up.
10. Getting too wasted
There are a lot of guys who are fantastic at picking up women while they're completely blasted. These guys tend to be terrible at doing so while they're sober. If you're one of them, by all means, carry on. Sure, there are health and financial benefits to giving up drinking, but this guide isn't about that.
However, it must be said that sloppy-drunk guys are a huge turn-off for a lot of women. Slurring your words, missing social cues and looking like you're ready to pass out just doesn't do it for them.
Of course, it's incredibly likely you don't realize (or don't care) that you’re scaring away women when you're wasted. Hey, when you're wasted you don't realize or care about anything!
Still, why not spend one night trying to pick up women while you’re sober if only to see how you fare? It's tougher to get over your approach anxiety, but once you do, you’ll be sharper and wittier than the sloppy drunks. What's more, you'll learn from the mistakes you made, because you'll actually remember them.
As an added bonus, you're far less likely to take home a hideously unattractive woman.
The Right Way To Pick Up Women In Bars
As Wayne Gretsky famously said, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. The only way you’ll have success picking up women at the bar is to go and try it. So, round up the guys, put on your best shirt and prepare to run some game. It’ll be a blast!
The average guy is absolutely useless at picking up women at the bar but they don't have to be!
So, let’s not waste any more time.
Let’s take a look at the five essential tips you need to know when it comes to picking up women in bars.
1. Dress the part
First impressions matter, especially in a loud nightclub where the women you want are surrounded by their friends. If you’re dressed like a chump, she’s going to treat you like a chump. Women can be ruthless in bars, especially after a few drinks. Instant rejections are a lot more common.
However, if you’re dressed like a high-value guy who takes care of himself, she’s going to be far more likely to give you the time of day.
2. Be the social hub
It beggars belief how many single guys go to the bar hoping to meet a nice woman, only to spend the whole night standing against the wall or glued to their circle of friends.
News flash, guys: women don’t like approaching men. Most of them will only be attracted to the guys who are brave enough to make a move on them. That’s why a lot of women won’t give the slightest hint that they’re attracted to you, even if they are.
You have a much better chance of hitting it off with a great woman if you’re the social guy who is having fun with everyone at the bar. Maybe you can introduce new people to others you have already met, making you the “social hub” of that venue.
For starters, by approaching lots of women, you’re more likely to find those who are really horny/already attracted to you. Also, this is going to put you in a more sociable mood, allowing you to be more charismatic around the women you like
And, as a bonus, a lot of the women who see you having so much fun with everyone in the club will want to be a part of that. They may automatically assume you’re a high-status man with lots of connections, and that will work in your favor too.
If you don’t have friends who are outgoing enough to want to be the social hub in a bar or nightclub, it’s time to start going out with new friends.
3. Be loud and engaging
In most bars - and most definitely in large nightclubs - there is a lot of stimuli competing with you for a woman’s attention. There’s loud music, her friends, other guys, cocktails, shots, etc. Sometimes there are celebrity DJs, on-stage entertainment and foam cannons!
You have to be more engaging than all of these things to even start a conversation! As a bare minimum, you need to be loud enough so she can hear without straining. You also have to commit to trying to talk to her. That means squaring up with solid eye contact. Don’t half-step it.
Then, once you’re in the conversation, you still do need to be funny, interesting, confident and all these other traits that encompass “good game.”
On top of that, don’t be afraid of a little gregariousness. People are at the bar to let loose! You can talk about the wildest, most outrageous topics and a lot of people at the bar will be into it. Be fun, not serious!
Women also come to the bar to let loose sexually. So, once a woman starts to show signs of interest, you can be a lot more direct when physically and verbally flirting. Her boundaries for this type of behavior will typically be a lot looser, compared to when you meet her in the daytime.
4. Make her friends like you
The typical “girl at the bar” will usually value her friends’ opinions more than her own! So, if she wants to go home with you, but her friends think you’re a creepy loser, she’ll almost always side with them, leaving you high and dry.
The typical “guy at the bar” is viewed as creepy and dangerous by default. So, no woman in her right mind is going to let their friend go home with you until you prove to them that you’re a great guy. At the very least, you need to prove you’re safe.
On a similar note, no woman in her right mind is going to leave her friend alone in a bar while she goes home to have sex with someone. So, if the woman you want is in a group of two, you better find a cool friend to keep her friend occupied.
5. How to pull back to your place
Below is a list of ways to pull a woman from the bar back to your place to have sex. These are ordered by the likelihood of them working, presuming she wants to go. Try them all, starting from the top of the list, moving downwards if the first one doesn’t work.
- Isolate the woman you want from her friends (by inviting her to the bar/smoking area, etc). Then, sneak off back to yours. She can text her friends if she has to.
- Get the friends’ permission to take the woman you want back to yours.
- Pull the woman you want and her friend(s) back to yours (for an afterparty etc). You’ll need someone to keep the friend(s) occupied at your place or hope they eventually go home/fall asleep.
- Swap contact details with the woman you want and arrange a date for a later time.
Whatever option you choose, it helps to have an innocent excuse to go back to yours. This helps her to rationalize her promiscuous behavior because she can tell herself that sex “just happened.”
Yes, swapping contact details is dead last on the list. When you meet this woman at the club and win her over, you are at the front of the queue to sleep with her RIGHT NOW. You’ve whipped her into this horny and spontaneous emotional frenzy, so tonight is your best shot.
If you save it for another date, her emotional state will have dropped back to its default. To get her out, you’ll have to compete with all her Tinder matches and every other guy with her contact details.
Yes, it’s possible to get the “girl at the bar” out on a date, but your best shot of sleeping with her is on the night you met her. By implementing the tips above, you have every chance of making that happen.