A lot of men have trouble approaching women the right way. Anxiety, doubt, and fear start to set in and they suddenly don't know what to say when approaching a girl. This can lead to a lot of missed opportunities and endless frustration.
That's why I'll show you exactly how to approach a girl you fancy and also explain how women want to be approached in general. Because if you want to be successful in dating, you need to know how to initiate a great conversation in the first place.
You won’t be able to get anywhere if you don’t even know how to begin properly.
How to approach a girl the right way
First of all, I'd like to make one thing abundantly clear about how to approach a woman you like: There's no "perfect moment" or "best time" to approach.
If you keep looking for that perfect opportunity, you'll only end up psyching yourself out and not approaching at all. And then you'll feel really bad about it.
Instead, I'll let you in on a little secret . . . You don't wait for the perfect moment, you create it!
This means you can approach absolutely any woman at any time, provided she's not showing obvious signs she's busy, in a hurry, or unavailable. She might even be giving off signs she wants you to approach.
Yes, you can even approach women who are with their friends and who are talking to other men. Because when a woman's talking to another man, it doesn't necessarily mean she's taken or that they have any relationship going on whatsoever. You'd be surprised by how often that's not the case.
As long as they’re not in each other’s embraces or holding hands, it’s not a big deal.
Besides, you can easily find out the nature of their relationship during the course of your conversation. By saying “So how do you guys know each other anyway?”
Where you're approaching also has a huge impact on how to think about this. If you want to successfully approach a girl in a club you're going to have a different approach than if you're on a bus.
The Basics: Look Like a Friendly Stranger
I grew up in a conservative culture and the majority of women aren't equipped with social skills to deal with a conversation with a stranger. It's not surprising that a good percentage of women I approached can end up freezing up when you approach her.
This means looking like a friendly individual is going to make all your conversations and interactions with women a hundred times easier. Whilst most pick-up artists obsess over arbitrary lines or techniques when talking to girls, you should focus on making her feel comfortable initially.
This is nonnegotiable.
You don't have to go overboard and go walking in suits. However, you got have a minimal sense of fashion. This means clean shirts, jeans, and shoes that fit.
Your First Impression
Psychological research shows humans base the majority of our perception of people on the first couple of minutes we spend with each other. This initial perception extends and influences our relationship to the person for weeks, and even months. So, assuming you approach a girl you’re attracted to, how can you make a good impressing upon her through your first couple of minutes in your approach?
You'll need to be dressed minimally well. You’ll need minimally a fitting t-shirt, jeans, and shoes. You’ll also need to be well shaved, with your hair is taken care of. You’ll be surprised how many men don’t invest in their daily appearance.
Secondly, factors such as tonality and body language should be taken note of.
Body Language, Eye Contact and Tonality
You want to be going for neutrality and coming from a curious standpoint. You'll also want to have assertive by soft eye contact. Neutral body language and an assertive tonality will demonstrate that you're comfortable with starting this conversation, that you're no threat, and you're also confident with asserting yourself.
Understand Social Norms
When you’re approaching a stranger on the streets and hitting on her directly is something that’s out of the norm, and hence: should be recognized as out of the norm.
Going up to a girl and saying you find her cute is quite an unconventional behavior. It's not something that happens to the average woman daily and should be recognized as that. Because I recognize this and I call it out in my own interactions, I rarely creep girls out. Most women I approach are willing to listen to me at least for 30 seconds.
What to say when approaching
With that out of the way, do you know what to say when approaching a girl?
The answer is pretty simple: Whatever is on your mind in that moment!
This may sound weird at first but it's essential for success. It's also something most men fail to understand. Because men usually believe they have to think of something amazing or "perfect" to say when approaching a girl. But that couldn't be further from the truth.
Just like there's no perfect moment to approach, there's never a perfect thing to say. Whether you're approaching a woman at a club, trying to approach a girl at the gym or flirting with a girl in college, just make your move!
That's why I always discourage men from learning and relying on canned pickup lines. Because there's no perfect line for every occasion and each approach is unique. Since every woman you approach is a unique individual with her own likes, dislikes, desires, wants and needs. Which is why you should treat every approach as a new opportunity.
Plus, it’s mostly not about what you say, but how you say things. That’s why body language, tone, attitude, eye contact and similar things are significantly more important than some “line.”
Granted, if you're filled with anxiety and have trouble saying anything at all when you're talking to women, then a canned line may be helpful. Or if you’re a complete beginner and are just starting out on your journey of becoming a man who’s social and successful with women, a pre-built line can be good.
That said, a genuine, off-the-cuff remark will always trump any canned phrase nearly every single time. Because it’ll be genuine and you'll seem at ease with yourself when you say it. As opposed to saying things that aren’t congruent with who you are and your personality.
Besides, doing it this way will be much more lighthearted and fun, which is how women want to be approached in general.
An example of approaching women based on appearance
Since I want to teach you how to approach a woman you like the right way, I'll give you a couple of great examples.
Let's say you're going about your business in a bar and you notice an attractive woman walk by. She's caught your attention and you want to approach her. But how do you do that in a successful way?
Well, you take a good look at her and notice something you genuinely like about her.
It can be anything that catches your eye; her style, hair, clothes, figure, eyes or even her smile. It can even be how she carries herself, what purse or accessory she's wearing, or something you notice about her demeanor and personality. As long as you notice it and genuinely like that about her as a person.
Let's take something simple and say you noticed her hair and then thought to yourself "Wow, her hair looks awesome!"
What you do next is simply walk up to a girl at a bar and say exactly what you were thinking: "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice what an awesome haircut you have! It instantly caught my eye and I just wanted to tell you that. My name's Andy, by the way. What's yours?"
Do you see why something like that would work?
What you said in that situation was completely improvised on the spot, so there's no pressure on you or her.
There was no rehearsing this line. You didn't wait for the perfect moment to say it and you didn't try to figure out what the best thing to say was. You just told her what you thought about when you saw her.
If you say something like this in a normal, relaxed and friendly manner, it's incredibly endearing and disarming. It’s also a very authentic thing you do, which is always attractive. There's no clever line here and you're not trying to impress her; you simply tell her what you're thinking. And then you wait for her to reply.
Most of the time, this will open her right up and you'll be able to have a decent conversation with her. When she tells you her name, you can just continue talking to her about whatever you fancy.
At this point, engage her in some light and fun small talk. If things go well from there and she sticks around, then begin flirting and take things from there.
A great example about fashion accessories
Let's say you thought her shoes were unique. It's as simple as saying "Hello! I saw you walking by and your shoes instantly caught my eye. So I thought to myself I just HAD to meet someone who's got such great taste and I'd be very disappointed in myself if I didn't come over and say Hi! What’s your name?"
You see, if you do it this way, you’ll never have to wonder what to say when approaching a woman. Because you’ll always be able to improvise and rely on your genuine thoughts.
This also helps you rely on yourself and your personality more. This is perfect since women want to see who you are and not who you pretend to be when approaching.
That's how women want to be approached most of the time anyway. Nothing fancy, nothing grandiose, no ulterior motives and no trying too hard to impress. This is the essence of how to approach a girl and start a decent conversation.
Just remember that you also have to get your body language, tone of voice, attitude, and eye contact in order, or you may seem a bit creepy.
Most importantly, straighten your back and don’t slouch. Keep steady eye contact and don’t look away in a nervous fashion. Don’t let your voice crack and speak loudly and clearly. Once you get these things handled and rely on this technique of genuinely saying what you’re thinking, you’ll be unstoppable.
If you aren't a complete anxious mess and can say these things with genuine enthusiasm and a smile, you'll have a lot of successful approaches. Because they'll be completely unique to the woman you're approaching and to your situation. And women tend to really notice things like that.
Overcoming The Key Roadblock To Approaching Women
How to Get Over Approach Anxiety
Even when you made a decision to go up to talk to that beautiful stranger, your stomach churns, your heart beats faster and you're almost always left dumbfounded, unable to utter a single word, much less move your feet to go up to talk to her?
You get the same feeling when approaching in shopping malls, nightclubs, parties, and social events. I'm no stranger this feeling called approach anxiety. Up to this day, I still get that crippling feeling of taking my feet off the floor, pointing it at her direction and walking up to her.
However, compared to the average person, I'm a lot more competent at it. So how do you actually get over your approach anxiety?
Create an Environment of Inevitable Success
Firstly, you'll need to create an environment of inevitable success. You need to use your environment to help you succeed. The only reason why I bothered to take action in my dating life back then was that my ex-girlfriend broke my heart. I had so much leverage on me that not taking action wasn't an option.
In my entrepreneurial career, I feared doing something I hate, getting bossed around by someone that I didn't respect, and serving clients that didn't enjoy serving. I hated all of that so much that publishing long-form guides, editing, and blogging to promote myself as dating coach became effortless to me.
In your dating life, what kind of leverage can you use? For me, some of them include deleting all online dating applications. Today, I don't use Tinder or any of the online dating applications. I don't hang out with people I don't like just so hopefully they can introduce me to their girlfriends. I don't do any of that. I run this business alone. I do not have colleagues, friends of friends that 'hopefully' fall through the cracks so that I get to know them.
This is why I have leverage. I have no alternative and created an environment of inevitable success.
How to Overcome Approach Anxiety
You can work your way through your approach anxiety through the progressive desensitization technique. Progressive desensitization is a psychologically researched technique that is used to help people overcome their anxieties in a step-by-step manner. Compare this to the flooding technique where most dating coaches force students to approach twenty attractive girls at a go. Firstly, it isn't sustainable. Secondly, you're not building a sustainable habit.
Okay, here's an example on how to use progressive desensitization:
Step 1: Remove Headphones in Public and Being more Socially Connected
Firstly, you can remove your headphones when going about your day. I removed my headphones and was shocked at how much difference it made how connected I felt to the social world. You should try it. This forces you to be much more socially engaged with the outside world.
Step 2: Ask For Time and Directions from Strangers
If you're crippled by approach anxiety, you can start off with total strangers and then work your way from guys, non-threatening girls and then attractive girls. You can also start off by asking for time or directions, moving up to compliments and then eventually the direct approach. You get the idea.
Step 3: Making Small Observations and Compliments
Small observations and compliments can be stacked on top of asking for time and directions from strangers. When you add a compliment: “that’s a nice shoe, you look great in it" in your conversations with random strangers, you'll not only make their day, but it'll put you in a better social mood when you get positive social feedback.
You’ll be surprised how much just stopping strangers to ask for time and directions will help in getting the social juices flowing.
The Minimum Viable Action
One tool I find helpful when I find myself stuck when approaching is called the minimum viable action. It’s the one action that you can do other than the direct approach itself. That can be approaching her for time and directions. This not only gets you comfortable walking up and stopping her, but it'll also help you become more desensitized and get in a more social mood.
Blast Through Your Excuses
Through the years of getting into this, I realized that success with women boils down to one key factor. That's personal integrity. Not your kind of school integrity, but integrity to push through your social fears. It's a personal badge of honor you conform to push through your fears.
When you’re pushing against your approach anxiety, you’re bound to fight against your own psychological defences. They are called defense mechanisms. Here are some common excuses you'll tell yourself.
- Avoidance and Procrastination
"I am going to start on this girls thing tomorrow. I'm just not feeling it today."
"I am going to starting hit the clubs next week."
"I don’t feel like it today."
There was once I was practicing to approach at the mall and tons of excuses and defenses popped up. First I told myself I was tired and had to grab a meal first, then a sweet drink…
I didn't do any approaches for the first half an hour. I spent the time, eating, drinking, and waiting around. It was only when I started paying attention to the monologue in my head that was able to start calling myself out on the excuses that popped out.
Here's the truth: There's no perfect club night and no perfect mood to approach. Just because something feels absolutely terrible in a certain moment does not mean that it is. It's only when you get your butt off and start approaching that you feel much better. I can't tell you the number of times I've felt horrible and not wanting to get out of the house and then feeling much better after stepping out.
The self-help, dating advice industry is notorious for this. If you consume dating advice and watch videos without taking any action, you're intellectualizing your problems. I used to do this a lot when I first start out where I would just read, read and read some more. Overloading myself with one theory after another. It's also a false trap. That's because reading and watching videos make you feel like you're doing something. However, it's often the opposite.
'I genuinely don't care and it doesn't bother me.'
If you’re watching porn and telling yourself that you don’t give a fuck about your sex life... you’re running into apathy. You convince yourself that you don’t care about your dating life. I know for sure, I was there. Truth is, I do care about my dating life. This bled over to my school, life and all other areas in my life. It's something I've had to fight against for the last 3-4 years of my life. It’s a defence mechanism I run even up till today.
- Helplessness and Surrender
'I just suck at this.'
'I'll never get good at this'.
I found myself running into this defence mechanism sometimes. I get too anxious and then I surrender to the anxiety and just admit that: 'I suck and have no courage.'
This is the opposite of apathy. Caring too much and acknowledging that you’re powerless to taking action against the anxiety.
- Blame and Anger
This defense mechanism mostly comes in the form of generalizing and stereotyping chunks of the human population. When I first started out going out to approach girls I told myself this approaching girl thing only works in Westernized cultures. That it'll never work for Singaporean women. Singaporean women are too materialistic, socially retarded, bitchy, and emotionally immature. Needless to say, I was comfortingly wrong.
If You Measure Your Cold Approach Results, You're going to Get Better
If you’re actively attempting to better your dating life by cold approaching. Sooner or later you’re going to realise that dating is a numbers game.
One new heuristic I adopted over the years is: whatever gets measured, gets accomplished.
You can measure:
- The number of times you go out to cold approach a week
- The number of women you talk to in a session
- The number of numbers you get before one turns into a date
If you make it a point to approach 3 women everyday, that’s 90 women a month.
How to be Rejection Proof: Don’t take things Personally
It’s human psychology to overvalue the bad than the good. I find this human effect similar in business and our dating life. If you went out and approached a hundred women, 10 of them that you’re extremely attractive and 90 of them told you that you’re an asshole, you’re going start thinking that you’re an asshole without valuing the fact that 10 out of a 100 thought you’re extremely attractive. That’s part of our human psychology.
In social psychology there’s an argument that people behave accordingly to their situations, as opposed to their innate personality traits. There’s nothing you need to take personally, especially so if it’s from a stranger.
These days I learned not to take things personally, in business or in dating. I get rejected a ton (if any tells you otherwise, they are bullshitting you) and I get labels and opinions on me as a person. They can range from being an asshole, to being foolish, to being smart to ‘X’ personality trait.
Leading in Conversation for The First 5 Minutes
You'll be expected to lead and initiate 99% of the time. And I do mean a good 99%. I've lost tens of interactions because I played it chill and laidback. It's incongruent to the girl if you approached her and expect her to lead. She'll be wondering what is up. You just approached her and you're playing in chill?
She's not going to lead the conversation or add to the conversation. That's because you're approaching her in an unconventional manner and she may be shy and reserved. You're going have to make statements, ask questions, tease her, and laugh at yourself to put her at ease. You're going to have to communicate to her within that 10 minutes that you're an attractive individual that's socially aware as well.
- The Approach
The fundamental principles of cold approaching girls in nights clubs and/or daytime situations are similar. 1) You need to present yourself assertively and positively 2) you need to be willing to back off. If she's taken aback, you need to be able to show that you're willing to back off through your body language. Secondly, try not to heavily touch her when approaching: use hand signals or a light touch to stop her.
If you're approaching groups, you should also engage her friends, both male and female.
I recommend beginners to get comfortable with going direct first. Going direct puts you out there and let your intentions get known. It's also time effective method. It’s genuine and authentic for beginners. I personally am a huge fan of going direct, however, as you progress, going indirect can be more effective and feel less socially awkward. Especially in a conservative culture like Singapore.
These days, I start off by saying “I know this is random", followed by: "I think you look interesting (indirect), and just wanted to say Hi".
The majority of girls are going to figure out what you're trying to do anyway. The indirect approach simply subtlety conveys: hey, I'm officially invested in the prospect of getting to know you better.
She can also mostly tell if you approach her for any other reason than being attracted to her. You should not approach girls to impress your friends, for thrills, or for ego kicks. I have approached girls that I am not genuinely attracted for ego reasons to impress my friends and it usually doesn't work out.
Your motivation behind your behavior is equally as important as the behavior itself.
- Questions and Statements
There’s nothing more boring than getting to know someone by asking a bunch of questions. If you're only asking her questions after questions, you’re putting all the spotlight on her and you don't get to share your identity to her. The easiest way to have a two-way conversation is to include 'I' and ‘you’ in your conversation.
Stop asking questions and turn them into both statements about her, and yourself. If you only ask monotonous questions, you're severely limiting yourself. There's no connection and no rough edges. Through the art of cold reading, you turn questions into statements. You can also find out about her occupation, her hobbies in a way that doesn't come off as being an interviewer.
- Tease Her about Something She’s Doing in the Moment
Teasing helps ease the interaction between you and her. Old friends tease each other all the time. You do it with your family, you do it with that childhood friend, most of all, you do it about your most embarrassing personality traits. It also adds a man to woman element to your interaction.
One of the easiest ways do it is to tease her about something is doing, about to do or wearing in the moment. If she says she's an accountant, you can tease her that she probably lose money for the company rather than account it.
For Eg. I was at a beer pong party and she was telling me how good she was at beer pong. I told her that, that playing beer pong was probably her college major, insinuating that, that's probably everything she knew about life.
Lastly, you qualify by finding something unique about her lifestyle, job or occupation and appreciate something about her by saying: that's really interesting, I've never met a girl...'
Imagine if someone took the effort to notice how you put in effort something you care a lot about, perhaps your business. Imagine if someone went on to say: ‘you know, I really like the details of your work, there must be a lot of effort and attention that goes into that, not everyone is willing to go through the pain of building a business’. How will you feel about that? You’ll feel amazing. That’s right! Now, flip that around and find something unique about her and appreciate her for that.
Note, you can't fake it when you say something, you got to mean it. Take this as an opportunity to cultivate a genuine appreciation for others.
It can be as simple as:
‘You’re really friendly for someone that looks pretty young’ (I use it all the time in Singapore because girls here are usually shy and reserved)
‘You seem like a friendly and interesting person to talk to’.
Make Future Plans on the Spot
Here's the deal when attempting to get her number. Only ask for her number after a positive interaction and you can tell that she's minimally interested. Secondly, get straight to the point by asking her out for coffee or drinks right then and there.
Through making future plans right there, you'll solidify yourself as someone she's potentially going to see again. You can also add in a little qualification before asking for her number. Let’s say you found out that she has quite an upbeat personality, you can say:
'That’s awesome, you seem like a fun and adventurous person, let’s hang out and go bungee jumping together some day.'
Or, if you just find her pleasant to be around with. You can say:
'You seem like a cool person to be around with, let's party someday together. Do you have WhatsApp?’
Note: If she's only willing to give you their Facebook, Instagram or Snapchat, then she probably isn't attracted. I don’t buy that, I’ll just treat it as a rejection and move on.
Benchmark: Staying in a Cold Interaction Longer than a Minute
The rule of thumb is this: IF you are able to hold a conversation and stay in the interaction for longer than a minute, you are approaching correctly. If you are getting blown out interaction after interaction in less than thirty seconds, then you're not approaching correctly.
Ultimately, you can’t really completely objectify or quantify social interactions. However, if you aren't getting results then it's time to put some metrics into action. How long are you staying in an interaction? Is she smiling at you? What does her body language say?
You need to look at the basics: your body language, your dress sense, your vocal tonality and your intentions. Girls aren't stupid, in fact, they are a lot more emotionally intuitive than men. If you are approaching her with the wrong intentions, she'll figure.
Note on Crazy Pick Up Techniques
There are many pick-up artist techniques popularized like spinning girls off the approach and outlandish behaviors from Youtube videos produced by other dating advice companies.
Here's my verdict on them: they aren’t sustainable. I’m sure those instructors are good. However, they are only showing a tiny fraction of the interaction. They are also showing these flashy techniques for marketing purposes. It also rarely works when approaching women in conservative Asian cultures like Singapore. Secondly, if you can’t even get a girl to stop and speak to you for half a minute, then don’t even bother about all the other techniques.
There were times I ran around the club like a headless chicken approaching girls just for the sake of it. I was relying on ineffective dating theories and not approaching from a place of effectiveness. They are also socially uncalibrated behavior. Needless to say, I got rejected repeatedly.
Results and Success
The majority of your approaches are not going to go anywhere. It's the name of the game. There are just too many external circumstances that cannot be controlled. For example: she has a boyfriend, the last guy that approaches her on the streets freaked her out etc.
The better you get, you’ll be able to point out the interactions that aren’t going to get anywhere and you're going to spend a lot less time on these interactions.
Ultimately, if you wish to get good at approaching women who are complete strangers. You got to get good at the fundamentals: intentions, relaxed body language, eye contact and conversational skillsets. Lastly, remember that it's always your responsibility to approach her. It's always your responsibility to move the interaction forward. It's always your responsibility to spark an interesting interaction between you and her. Cause if you don't, she'll never do it for you, ever.
You now have all the necessary knowledge on how to approach a woman you like.