10 Rules For Texting After a First Date You Cannot Break

Younger man and older woman texting after a first dateMany guys don't really know what the right approach is when texting after a first date. First dates always make for an exciting time. Sadly, the sheer volume of rules you’ll find about it online can make it stressful too. 

While I’m sure these rules come from a good place, they’re often conflicting and quite unnecessary.

I’m going to simplify all of that noise for you right now: there are no steadfast rules. You’re just talking to another person and viewing it any different only complicates it further.

Texting After a First Date - What You Need to Know

With that notion in mind, I’m going to cover a few basic tips as well as breaking down some prevalent advice. One common thing I share throughout my articles is to have fun with these things and experiment. The more you experiment, the better developed your personal style will become.

Texting after a first date is no different. Use these guidelines a branch out from there. Most importantly, let us know in the comments how things went for you and what you discovered.

It doesn't matter if you two meet in a yoga class or on one of the hookup apps that are actually worth using. These tips will work for you.

Let’s get started with my top-10 tips for texting after a first date.

Let’s start with rule #1.

1) Text when you feel like it

Decades ago, in a time long before smartphones and texting after a first date was an option, the rule was three days before calling. You weren’t meant to call her earlier than three days after your first date or you’d appear desperate.

These days we tend to laugh at such an arbitrary rule and yet modern advice is to wait at least 24 hours. Instead, I say text whenever you feel like it. What you say is far more important than when you say it. On many occasions, I’ve had women message me before I’ve even made it home.

At a party last summer, I exchanged numbers with a woman as she was leaving. To the horror of my friends I messaged her 10 minutes later. I even got a, “Dude, no. You can’t message that quickly!” from one of her friends. 30 seconds later I had an excited reply and we went on a date the following night.

My point is, I’m not going to give you a “safe” time frame to message her because there is none. Common sense will give you all the guidance you need.

You need to try this

2) No “pickup artist” nonsense when texting after a first date

If you’re still learning your way through the dating world, the Pickup Artist (PUA) community can seem pretty appealing. Their “field reports” of their dates can sound like the ideal scenario, right?

Don’t worry, I’m guilty of falling into it briefly too. The biggest problem though is that the majority seem to forget they’re dealing with people. Everyone becomes a number and the whole thing is a game.

This was off-putting for me so I decided to figure things out for myself. As it turns out, you can just have a conversation with women like they’re regular people. Who knew?!

The same goes for texting. No need to make her beg for your attention by shutting her out. No hot and cold. No insults or backhanded compliments. If you’re into her and had a good time, let her know.

If she seems like she had a good time too, go ahead and set up the second date when the timing feels right. Honestly, it’s that simple and the fact that you appear confident enough to go for it will be appreciated.

3) Texting after a first date -- Don’t be desperate

Remember how I said there are no rules around this stuff and you should experiment? Maybe keep the experimenting to a minimum with this one.

All the best dating books agree that confidence is key when trying to attract women. But don’t come off as desperate.

You don’t want to overwhelm her with messages, photos and date invites after you’ve met her once. Texting after a first date should be fun and exciting for both sides.

Man or woman, getting hit with a barrage of messages begging for your attention isn’t attractive. If the conversation starts to get one-sided there’s a good chance she isn’t really into it. Best to cool it for a while, see if she initiates and if you get radio silence, it’s time to move on.

Any time you’re unsure if you’re texting her too much, there are two things you can look at.

1) How many times have you messaged her without getting a reply?

2) If she was just one of your friends, would you have messaged her this much?

Asking yourself these two questions can be very telling.

4) Pay attention to message length

Another easy way to see if there’s mutual interest is in the length of messages in your conversation.

If you’re sending long messages each time and she responds with just a few words, she’s just being polite. Just like my previous point, if you notice this start to happen, try to go easy on the conversation for a while and see if things improve.

If you both have the right sense of humor you can bring some attention to this mismatch with a joke but tread lightly. It can be easy to make her feel bad if you approach it the wrong way and that isn’t the aim here.

5) Be cool

Simple advice but after a great date, it can be tough sometimes. If you’re really attracted to her and had a great time on the date, there will be a lot of excitement going on.

This is one of the more common causes of guys overdoing it when texting after a first date. It’s only natural but try to play it cool until you get to know each other.

The more you can learn to treat her similar to your friends, the better things will go. Don’t go declaring your love for her after the first date or showering her with compliments. As much as I’m sure you mean well, it’s going to raise a lot of red flags.

6) Always with the humor

This is another common theme throughout my articles and for good reason. Having a good sense of humor and being able to make her laugh is a very powerful thing in the dating world.

The aim of my follow-up message after a date is always to make her laugh for that very reason. It’ll usually be something related to our conversations over that date. Maybe some type of joke about how I didn’t have a terrible time with her.

By this stage, she’s already spent enough time with me to know my sense of humor and that it’s just a joke. It does allow me to get away with a lot more than if I were serious so play your hand accordingly.

Time and time again I’ve heard “funny” being listed as the single most important factor for women when dating.

7) Texting after a first date -- Stay positive

Positive people are infinitely more fun to be around. This fact alone makes far more likeable and allows you to build rapport quickly.

It’s a helpful trait to have throughout life in general and one you should be applying here. If you can combine positivity and humor from Day 1, you’re going to be so much more attractive.

Having been a very cynical person in the past, this is something I had to work on. I can tell you from experience that the benefits are significant for me in every part of my life. If you struggle to project positivity too, I’d recommend taking the time to work on that.

8) Go ahead and suggest a second date

Okay, so maybe not immediately (see point No. 3) but there’s no magical amount of time for you to wait. While some articles suggest you should drag this out to build intrigue, I say just go for it when the time is right.

Rather than trying to “game” her, let the conversation flow naturally. Somewhere along the way you’ll end up talking about a shared interest or somewhere you’d like to check out. It really is as simple as suggesting a day to go do it.

“I’ve been meaning to check that place out. Why don’t we head over there Thursday night?”

See how easy that is?

9) Sex is okay, in moderation

I don’t mean having sex, that’s a different article entirely. I’m talking about sexual conversation when texting after a first date.

It’s not something you should ever shy away from but if every message is sexual, it gets a little creepy. Trying to initiate sexting this early on will probably be received as a bit sleezy too.

Over time you’ll find the right balance for you but you’re better off with too little here than too much.

10) Be comfortable with silence

Almost an extension of point No. 5 above, you don’t have to be texting daily. In fact, if you feel you need to force the conversation like this, it’s not going to go far.

If you have something to say, by all means message her. There just isn’t a need for you to come up with something to text her daily until your next date.

In regular conversation, long periods of silence can be awkward and are often a bad sign. It makes sense that you might get anxious if you two don’t talk for a few days but believe me, it’s fine.

For many women I’d even go so far as to say that it’s a slight positive. You’re busy, she’s busy, neither of you are feeling desperate and so things are allowed to happen naturally. It’s a refreshing change.

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4 Comments

  • Matt C.

    Nice post - good advice here. Definitely agree that it's key not to text her the first day after a first date. Never, ever, ever...

  • Leigh

    I'm a woman I feel like the advice to women is exactly the same I give up actually because this is too much mind games.I just hope my soul mate arrives and that the are no mind games because all this advice makes it hard for both genders to actually meet. The advice for women is wait for him to text, keep it minimal and so on. Wow ! I mean I went on a date with an amazing guy now it's two weeks post and I'm like what the actual hell and now I've got another guy I like I texted him I'm looking forward to the date he ghosts like okay I really have tons of options I really do. Why can't we all just be honest. Like if it doesn't work out it doesn't but lets get rid of the games man

  • Pam

    O yes i agree with you both like each other why do u need to be held in suspense yoh. Get it over and done. Yes or no and move on.

  • Amir

    I think focusing on yourself is important. If a girl is not into you or lukewarm, sending shorter messages or waiting longer or the like will make exactly 0 difference to your chances of dating her. (Because if she is excited - believe me, she will let you know and you won't have to wonder, and your message lengths will make 0 difference.)

    It's not that slowing or curtailing messages to her will magically respark her interest. (It won't.) Or that showing her attention / messaging promptly will make her lose interest in you. (If she likes you, she'll be all into that!). It's just about freeing yourself to not be distracted/concerned about someone who isn't into you. That's the real benefit of just backing off and moving on as needed.

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